


Hit You Like a Shotgun Shot Through the Heart

by SathTrash



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Canon-Typical Violence, Crush confessions, Dark Past, Enforcer Ryan, Fake AH Crew, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Gavin doesn't understand that people shouldn't treat you like an object, Gavin's a cheeky bastard, Gavin's maybe too pretty for his own good, Getting Together, Gun Violence, Gunshot Wounds, Insomnia, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mentions of past child abuse, Mutual Pining, Mysterious Ryan, Near Death Experience, Negotiator Gavin, Nightmares, Pining, Requited Love, Telling the Family, They love each other so much they'd die for each other, Vulnerable Gavin, awkward Ryan, awkward confessions, bed sharing, mentions of past trauma, mild depictions of gore, save them from themselves, soft Vagabond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-03-27 06:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13875111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SathTrash/pseuds/SathTrash
Summary: Gavin is completely and utterly fascinated by Ryan, he is mysterious, quiet, evasive, and utterly, devastatingly, lovely. He would give absolutely anything to learn more about Ryan, to be let into the secret inner workings of the Vagabond's mind.And Gavin always gets what he wants, even if he does so in particularly unusual ways.





	1. Delicate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Torishire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torishire/gifts).



> I started writing this for my friend Tori (harleysgirlsunday on Tumblr) because she keeps drawING LOVELY THINGS FOR ME AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO REPAY HER  
> So have some gratuitous Freewood angst/fluff

Gavin Free was known for his determination. A Golden Boy with a silver tongue who could talk circles around anyone he so pleased to get the information that he wanted in the easiest, most efficient way possible. Gavin had talked kingpins into giving up their assets and their turf, he had bargained his way out of the backseat of a police car with ease on more than one occasion, and of course he could always work his way to the best possible deal at any negotiation or job he may need. It was easy, and it came naturally to him, he had always been persuasive, and had had a habit of drawing out a person’s darkest secrets from the time he was a little boy, and while it had gotten him in trouble on more than one occasion, it was typically more to his benefit than anything else.

But there was one person he just couldn’t seem to get his words to work on.

Ryan was an enigma. He was a mystery wrapped up in excuses and half-truths, hidden behind masks and leather jackets and face paint.

And it drove Gavin utterly insane.

He had never been denied something he wanted so brutally and constantly as he was with Ryan. Any time he tried to get him to open up, Ryan would offer nothing but a grunt in reply, or perhaps a witty response that got Gavin no further from where he had started. It was completely infuriating.

But Gavin was nothing if not determined, and he absolutely loved a challenge. The tougher the nut to crack the harder Gavin worked at it, he was like a dog with a bone, he wouldn’t let up until it was finished or buried.

And, whether he was willing to admit it to himself or not, he wasn’t just fascinated with Ryan because of his mystery, he was fascinated in him because he was bloody incredible.

Gavin was one of the taller amongst the crew, and Ryan dwarfed even him by several inches, he was striking and visibly confident with his long ever-so-pullable blond hair and his amazingly bizarre heterochromatic eyes that made the filmmaker in Gavin’s brain scream at how much he wanted to capture their movement, their colour palette, the expression, and the way Gavin would always catch sight of that sparkle in his lovely mismatched eyes before he put his mask on for a job drove him up the wall.

Ryan had utterly wrecked him.

And Gavin couldn’t even get past the awkward crush stage to move any farther forward because bloody Ryan wouldn’t bloody open up about himself.

God if he could _just_ get him to talk about himself _somehow_ he might be able to get over this feeling, but with Ryan’s reluctance to talk about his time before the Fakes it seemed bloody impossible that Gavin would ever get rid of the feelings of butterflies in his stomach whenever he caught sight of Ryan doing anything.

Gavin had always loved a good chase, it was always good fun to flex his skill with words and try his hand at a more difficult conquest, but Ryan frustrated him deeply. He dropped hints, he asked blatant questions, he made implications and innuendos and vague references, and Ryan either didn’t notice, or didn’t care, because no matter how hard Gavin prodded Ryan remained stoic and avoided answering questions with a clever rebuttal or a raise of his somehow perfect blond brows, or by hiding his reluctance in a sip of Diet Coke.

Gavin knew only a small handful of things about him;

  1. Ryan was his middle name, and he refused to answer to James.
  2. He grew up in Georgia
  3. He was a crack shot with just about any weapon handed to him
  4. He laughed like a bloody idiot and the harder he laughed the weaker Gavin got in the knees
  5. He had some sort of bizarre need to house plants in his room, a small hobby Gavin had discovered by accident when he’d been sent to fetch him for dinner one evening only to find his door ajar, and Ryan not in his room. He hadn’t snooped _per say_ , but Ryan did have several potted succulents littered across his desk that he could see from the open doorway.
  6. He was an utter madman when it came to the lives of the rest of the crew, Ryan would rather die than see another member hurt during a heist, and so help him God if he knew who had fired the shot, or inflicted the injury, their last vision would be the Vagabond dropping upon them like an avenging angel.



And that was all. Only a few solid things and a head full of distracting speculations about who or what Ryan held hidden deep inside a vault in his own mind.

And no matter how hard Gavin tried, no matter how much he pestered, it was utterly impossible to get Ryan to give him even an inch.

After several months of what he thought was simply frustration at his questions being avoided, Gavin finally had a realization that it wasn’t simply frustration.

It was pining.

Of course the mystery intrigued him, Ryan was utterly fascinating, but he was also sweet and secretly kind, and the way he always seemed to flub his words around Gavin was oddly endearing. It drove him completely mad once he realized exactly why it was he was so completely fascinated.

He wanted to know more about Ryan because he fancied him like mad and he couldn’t do a single thing about it.

Gavin had never been shy about anything, he reveled in his freedom no matter what that freedom was at any given moment, he was open about any and everything in his life, it was why he dressed the way he did, did things the way he did them, and the way he worked. He had a specific way of doing things in a negotiation, a specific way of moving, of speaking, of using his accent to his advantage, he had grown up posh and while he often didn’t speak with a ‘posh’ accent anymore it came in handy in jobs, it made him seem more threatening, more powerful, more controlled.

And, of course, with the Vagabond towering behind him with his mask on and his arms crossed it was as if he had the whole world in the palm of his hand. A captive audience was something Gavin relished, and with Ryan playing his enforcer and his getaway driver, Gavin had everything to his advantage for a flawless job.

And knowing this, along with his utter infatuation, Gavin made it a point to take Ryan along with him on his jobs. Ryan, of course, was a formidable enforcer, he played the role well, he was so tall and well built that even if he were unarmed, and he rarely ever was outside the penthouse, he would have been too much of a threat for any sane person to take on, and he did also have the tendency to over threaten for the safety of the crew, if anyone were to try anything that could lead to Gavin being hurt on the job, Ryan would step closer, tower behind Gavin, a hand at the pistol on his hip, a quiet threat that if the other didn’t back down and back away they would never leave their meeting place. It nearly always made for a rather successful deal when the Vagabond got protective.

However, things occasionally didn’t go quite to plan, newer gangs who didn’t believe the Vagabond’s reputation, didn’t respect that Fake AH Crew’s ownership of the city, cocky new recruits who somehow thought they’d be a faster draw than a seasoned mercenary like the Vagabond, and it did get them in trouble on more than one occasion. Usually on behalf of the other side, someone would try to pull a weapon on Gavin and before they could cock the gun or pull a trigger Ryan’s pistol would be out of it’s holster and there’d be a bullet between the other man’s eyes without so much as a Ryan’s gun snagging on the snap of his holster.

But occasionally, very occasionally, the other person may be able to land a shot or a knife on one of them, and usually it was Ryan, he would move in front of Gavin quick as lightning and take whatever had been aimed at Gavin himself, shielding him with his own body without even a second thought. Ryan wore a Kevlar vest he’d somehow gotten a hold of at some point in his career, and was typically unscathed from an encounter like that, and it just served to build his reputation, his bulky leather jacket, and loose t-shirts served to hide the vest easily, and made many a naïve enemy fear a somehow invincible Vagabond.

But Gavin didn’t wear body armor to small jobs, it was too visible beneath the clingy silks and cottons of his well-tailored button-ups, bulky in a way that distorted his thin frame too obviously to gain the trust of someone unfamiliar with them who would likely assume that Gavin distrusted them, and may possibly lead them to make good on that distrust.

And it was that choice that ended up getting Gavin hurt.

-

It was a simple job, a meetup over some disturbed turf downtown. A new crew was trying to move in on some of their territory that, seemingly unknown to this crew, belonged to the Fakes, like much of Los Santos did, but they were new, relatively small, and Geoff was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, so he sent Gavin and Ryan in to speak to a higher up on his behalf.

It should have been textbook.

But this gang was far too ambitious for their size. Too cocky, too inexperienced, too new to Los Santos to know to tamper down their ambition. The Fake AH Crew owned nearly the whole city, and the few places they didn’t own belonged to their allies, and the fact that this gang thought they could move in and take over was utterly laughable.

But not only was their overconfidence their own downfall, it was nearly Gavin’s as well.

It was a simple meeting that went to hell in a handbasket in less than ten minutes.

Gavin and Ryan had arrived early, five minutes or so before the agreed meeting time. The other side were ten minutes late and couldn’t have cared less how disrespectful that was; the Fakes had better things to do than have the Golden Boy waste his damn time on an Icarus-esque gang leader, flying far too close to the sun that was the Fakes. And when they finally decided to show up Gavin was getting ansty, he was angry beneath the surface, he didn’t like people who couldn’t keep their schedules straight, it was disrespectful and Gavin hated to be disrespected.

“Thanks for joining us” he said pointedly, keeping his voice steady and as casual as he could, able to force down his anger for the good of the deal.

“Sorry, traffic” said his counter-part, Gavin thought his name was something like Laurier, he couldn’t remember exactly, sounding flippant. The flip tone made Gavin’s blood boil. How bloody _dare_ he waste their time, and then act like it wasn’t a problem.

“Well, now that we’re _all_ here, let’s get down to business” Gavin said, moving towards his counter-part, hands casually shoved in his pockets, trying to keep his posture relaxed despite his bitten-back anger. He heard the heavy movement of Ryan’s boots behind him and knew he had stepped up as well, keeping his presence visible, and himself nearby. That set Gavin on edge, clearly Ryan had picked up on something Gavin hadn’t quite gotten yet, and that was a bad thing. If Ryan was picking up on something he felt the need to protect Gavin over this early into it that meant things were likely to go bad fast.

“What’s the point?” Laurier asked, giving Gavin a once over, taking in the carefully crafted demeanor of the Golden Boy, his button-up, his plain dark jeans with their knee rips, the carefully styled hair and sunglasses.

“The point is you don’t get to wander into this city with your thumb in your arse and think you can move in on our territory” Gavin replied, venom in his voice “Do you know how long we’ve been here? This is our damn city, and we’ll thank you to get the hell out” he said, his heart racing, he was angry as it was, but to have received such a careless reply in the face of a blatant disrespect of their territory and their gang made him all the angrier. His demeanor was calm, but underneath his rage was just palpable enough the he heard Ryan take another step forward, could feel him towering over him, just behind his right shoulder.

“If you’ve been here that long sounds like it may be time for new blood” the other man said, smirking at him, taking a step forward of his own, trying to square up to Gavin, though he was considerably shorter.

Gavin was about to reply when a loud bang rang out through the small room and something hot and fast ripped across his side and sent him spinning, his knees hit the floor, and he managed to catch himself with his hands before his face smashed down, and behind him several shots rang out and he could hear his counter-part begging through a loud ringing in his ears, and then there was another shot, and everything fell silent.

His heart was racing, and it took a long moment to register the searing pain in his side, it was hot, like burning your hand on a hot pan, and it took pressing his hand to his side, feeling the tear in his shirt, and the warm ooze of his blood to really understand that he had been shot.

“Ryan” he managed to croak out, surprised at how weak his voice sounded, he didn’t _feel_ weak, he felt almost okay, aside from the burning pain in his side, which lessened slightly as he pressed his hand harder against it.

In an instant Ryan was at his side, on his knees, he’d ripped his mask off and his lovely mismatched eyes were frantic as he searched Gavin over, trying to see what had happened, when he noticed the blood staining Gavin’s shirt his face went pale beneath his face paint.

“Shit” he gasped out, and without a second thought he reached up and started tearing off the bottom of his shirt, Gavin tried to protest, but couldn’t seem to find his voice, Ryan liked that shirt a lot, it was a soft plain black cotton one Gavin had gotten him for Christmas as an apology for ruining another one on a heist, but Ryan didn’t even hesitate as he ripped off a thick length of it, tearing at it with the knife he always kept on him, to wrap around Gavin’s waist to put pressure on the wound. Gavin shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was that Ryan was adept at bandaging, he had learned from Jack after all, for the cases when she was wounded and couldn’t do it herself.

It was as Ryan was binding the end of his shirt under his opposite arm that he realized he was speaking.

Shock. Of course, it was shock, there was no escaping a bullet wound without going into shock.

“I’m so sorry Gavin, it was my fault, my fault” he kept muttering, his voice rough, over and over again “It was my fault, my fault” as he helped Gavin up and unceremoniously pulled him up into his arms and carried him back out to their car. Once outside he set him down on the passenger seat and buckled him in, and Gavin though distantly how mad Geoff would be that they’d have to get the seats reupholstered because he’d stain them with blood.

Gavin was in and out of lucidity the whole drive, he knew instinctually that he wasn’t going to die, he could tell the wound wasn’t terribly deep, but it had bit through enough of his side that the blood loss was somewhat worrying, but Jack would fix it, it would be fine.

And when they got to the penthouse, Gavin fully passed out, the only thing that broke through the darkness was Ryan’s voice mumbling to him, but he couldn’t make out what it was.

-

He woke up hours later, feeling fuzzy and sore, the shock and adrenaline of earlier had worn off entirely, and he simply felt exhausted and uncomfortable, his side throbbed painfully with the beat of his heart, and his head felt almost floaty, likely from the blood loss.

It took him a moment to register voices outside the door, hushed and concerned, he could make out Geoff and Ryan, and a third, quieter, voice that he wasn’t as sure of.

“What happened back there Ryan?” Geoff didn’t sound mad, just concerned.

“The other guys, they had a guy with a long range gun outside the door, he was outside my line of sight, I didn’t see him, I shoulda fucking seen him” Ryan’s voice was frustrated, upset, far more emotional than usual “I had one fucking job and I failed it”

“It happens Ryan” said the other voice, and Gavin finally registered Jack’s soft bedside tone, trying to calm him “We’ve all gotten hurt on jobs, no matter the backup we had, it happens”

“It shouldn’t have. I’m an enforcer, it’s my fucking _job_ it’s supposed to be what I’m fucking good at!” Gavin didn’t like the way Ryan sounded, his voice broke in a few places, and he sounded utterly distraught. It bothered Gavin that it was his fault that Ryan was so upset.

“He’s going to be just fine Ryan” Jack soothed, and Gavin could almost see her place a hand on his arm in his mind’s eye “Things happen, I’ve gotten hurt too, even when I had backup, Michael missed a gun once too and it caught my thigh, these things happen, the important thing is that you’re both okay”

“But he’s _not_ fucking okay!” Ryan’s voice rose abruptly, and Gavin was surprised to hear that he sounded almost genuinely choked up “He needed fifteen stitches! He lost way too much blood, he looked like he was gonna fucking _die_ Jack! He’s not fucking _okay_!”

“But he _is_ Ryan” Geoff argued back “You did the right thing and got him back here fast and he’s gonna be just fine, he might be out of it for a couple days, and maybe we need to make a rule about body armour, but he’ll live”

“He’s going to hate me” Ryan replied, and this time his voice was almost flat, as if he were forcing the emotion out of it.

“No he won’t Ryan” Jack soothed “Michael beats him about the head nearly every day and he doesn’t hate _him_ ”

“That’s different” Ryan shot back “Michael does that himself, as a joke, I didn’t hurt him, I _let him get hurt_ when it should’ve been me, I had the vest on, I should have caught the bullet, I should have seen the guy, I could have kept him _safe_ and I fucking _didn’t_ , and he’s going to fucking _hate me_ because I couldn’t do my only fucking job!”

Gavin was struggling to follow what was happening at this point, the painkillers still in his system threatening to drag him back down into sleep at any moment, but he needed to resist it, he needed to stay awake, just a little longer, he needed to tell Ryan that it was okay, it was an accident, accidents happen to everyone, they happened to him all the time, nearly every day. But he was fading fast, and no matter how hard he clawed at consciousness it was keeping itself just out of his arms reach, just far enough away that he still tried to scramble for it.

But it just wasn’t going to happen, and he crashed again.

-

The next time he woke up soft morning sunshine was filtering in through the partially open curtains of his bedroom windows. He didn’t feel quite as fuzzy in the head this time, but his side still ached badly, almost enough to overwhelm his still partially asleep mind.

He closed his eyes again, and took a few deep breaths to center himself and push the pain off, and opened them again, taking in the room without the pain blacking out the edges of his vision.

It was still early, the sunlight filtering in was soft and the orange-yellow of sunrise, not yet strong enough to brighten out to a more white-yellow, but not quite early enough that it was still that before-sunrise sort of mid-grey. The room around him was cool, that was how he liked it, he still wasn’t used to the California heat after so many years in chilly, drizzly England.

Jack’s medical bag was on his bedside table, a small pile of extra suture thread and needles needing to be sterilized sat on the table next to it, awaiting tidying after what was likely a rather frantic stitch job. The other debris had been cleared away, there were no clothes left anywhere from cleaning the wound, and Ryan’s makeshift bandage was gone as well, in favour of a proper cotton bandage from Jack’s kit.

And in his comfy nest of a window seat sat Ryan. His head leaned back against the wall of the window sill, and his tall frame was cramped up on it, knees bent so that he could get his feet up onto the seat to try and get comfortable while Gavin had slept. He was rumpled, still wearing his ripped shirt and Kevlar – and  Gavin could see where part of his shirt had crusted with his own blood from when Ryan had carried him – his hair was still pulled back in his ponytail, though it had clearly been disturbed because it was looser than Gavin remembered it, and he had yet to take any of his face paint off.

“I guess I owe you another shirt” he said, his voice somewhat hoarse, mostly from sleep, and Ryan’s head whipped up, his eyes wild. There was a moment of pause on Ryan’s part, the largest deer in headlights Gavin had ever seen, before he said anything. His eyes met Gavin’s for just a moment and then flicked down away from his face, looking ashamed.

“You don’t owe me anything” he replied after a moment, his voice flat.

“No, I do, I ruined another one of your shirts, and I owe you a new one” he said, pushing himself up on his elbow, turning to look at him fully “I owe you a t-shirt”

“Gavin you almost _died_ , you don’t owe me shit” Ryan said, and this time Gavin heard a break in his voice, that he tried to hide.

“I would have if you hadn’t been there” Gavin said seriously “You saved me with that shirt, so I owe you a new one” he said through gritted teeth, he wasn’t going to let Ryan get away with this ‘my fault’ shit, it wasn’t his fault, it was no one’s fault.

“I shouldn’t have had to” Ryan replied, his voice tight “I had the vest on, I should have seen him, I should have taken the bullet, and I didn’t”  
“Ryan, accidents happen, it’s no one’s fault except the other crew, Ryan! You didn’t do anything wrong, you did the best you could with what happened, and it kept me damn alive Ryan!” he said, his voice rising, he couldn’t stand the thought that Ryan would rather have been hurt.

Slowly, Ryan unfolded himself from the window seat and stood, walking slowly over to the bed, unsteady on his feet from a long period sitting in an uncomfortable position.

“Gavin, it’s my _job_ to keep you safe during meetings like that, it’s why I’m there, I’m crowd control, I’m an enforcer”

“You’re my backup” Gavin said, interrupting him “And backup isn’t all knowing, you did exactly what Michael or Geoff or Jeremy would’ve done in that situation, you bound the wound and got me home so Jack could fix it. You did your damn job Ryan, your job is to make sure I bloody live when something like that happens, and I _did_ ” It made his heart ache that Ryan had clearly taken all the blame on his own shoulders “I had a clearer view of the door than you did, but I was so angry at their tardiness and their disrespect that I didn’t see it coming either” he sighed heavily, rubbing his hands over his face “It was neither of our faults, but it was especially not yours.”

There was a long pause after Gavin finished speaking, and he could see Ryan mulling over his words, and truly he looked lovely in the weak morning sunlight, the pensive look on his face scrunched his blonde brows together in thought, his lovely mismatched eyes dark, hard for a moment before slowly softening, blond hair glimmering in the soft morning like that filtered into the room. If Gavin hadn’t already been short on breath from the pain he may have stopped breathing from how gorgeous the sight before him was.

“Still” Ryan said slowly “I should have done something” Gavin watched him slowly close his eyes, rubbing has hands over his face “It was still my fault Gav”

“No it wasn’t, it wasn’t your fault, if anyone’s in was my own, I don’t wear body armor, everyone knows I don’t, they took advantage of my own tactics and used it against us” Ryan looked like he was about to argue but Gavin raised a hand, suddenly exhausted “I don’t want to argue with you Ryan, I’m tired and sore, and you know I can out argue you any day of the week with enough energy, so can we please call it quits?” he asked, straining to keep his eyes open.

Ryan nodded slowly, clearly eager to give Gavin what he wanted, or at least to let him rest.

“I’ll go if you want to go back to sleep” he mumbled, moving to stand from the bed. Gavin shook his head and reached out, gently grabbing at Ryan’s hand, pulling him back.

“Please, stay?” Gavin asked quietly, he didn’t want Ryan to leave, too scared that if he did Ryan may never speak to him again.

“Okay” he said after a long pause, and pulled his hand out of Gavin’s, going to sit back in the window seat.

“You can sleep too if you want” Gavin offered, scooting over as much as the pain in his side would allow to give Ryan a bit of extra space on his bed. Ryan hesitated for a moment, clearly torn, but upon seeing the open, earnest, nervous look in Gavin’s eyes, he watched him steel his resolve, and return to the bed, kicking off his boots and sitting down on the other side of Gavin’s king bed.

When Ryan finally managed to get himself comfortable he carefully slipped his legs under the comforter on Gavin’s bed, and leaned back against the pillows, still mostly seated. Gavin slowly shifted closer to him, using his exhaustion as an excuse, he laid his head gently against Ryan’s stomach, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

-

When he woke up again it was much later in the morning, the light streaming through his partially open curtains was brighter, and before he had time to take everything in his door was creaking open slowly, and Jack peaked her head in, smiling a little when she saw he was awake.

“Hey sweetie” she said, sliding into the room on quiet feet, her grin wide as she took in the sight before her. It was then that Gavin registered the warm arm, heavy on his waist, large hand lightly grasping the opposite side of his waist, holding him close, his head lightly pillowed just below Ryan’s shoulder, his chest rising and falling slowly, still asleep. Gavin flushed, his face getting hot, and likely going rather pink, but Jack bade him no mind and bustled into the room, snapping on a pair of gloves.

“If you can pull yourself out of there I’d like to check your bullet wound” she said, her voice quiet and teasing, not wanting to wake Ryan. Slowly, Gavin managed to wiggle out from Ryan’s grasp, and slid to the side of the bed. Jack knelt slightly and gently peeled back the bandage on his side, He watched as she gently probed and prodded around the stitches along his side, just slightly above his hip, it wasn’t a terribly deep wound, but it was long, spanning at least six inches, starting an inch to the right of his navel.

“Looks alright so far” she said as she gently checked it over “Bleeding stopped pretty easily, and it doesn’t look inflamed all things considered” she smiled, pleased with her own work, and pulled an alcohol swab out of her med bag, gently cleaning the wound before recovering it “I doubt it’ll even leave much of a scar”

“Well you do know what you’re doing Jack” he said, his voice echoing her teasing tone from earlier.

“That I do, darlin, that I do” she smiled and pushed herself back to her feet, gently squeezing his shoulder.

There was a short pause between them as Jack looked over Ryan where he lay on the bed, flat on his back, the arm that had been wrapped around Gavin flung out across the bed, seeming to search for him even as he slept.

“He was worried about you sweetpea” Jack said softly, gently stroking Gavin’s hair out of his face “He couldn’t stop blaming himself for what happened, no matter what we said” she sighed softly, shaking her head “He’s got far too big a heart for someone in this profession” she let out a short huff of laughter “But then again, I’d say that for all five of you boys”

“I’d say the same for you Jack” Gavin replied, smiling.

“Thank you honey” she replied, smiling “Be careful with him, okay, Gav? I’m not sure even he understands how much he cares about you” she said, and leaned down to kiss the top of his head lightly, and Gavin felt the warmth of her love in the pit of his stomach.

“I’m sorry I scared you guys” he said softly as Jack helped him to lean back against his headboard “It was stupid of me to let that happen”

“We all make mistakes Gavin” she said gently “They’re bound to happen, and considering over the course of five years this is the first time you’ve been shot on a negotiation job and you’ve never worn body armour in your life, I’d say it could have been much worse” she smiled, running her fingers through her hair “I think maybe the person you should apologize to is Ryan, he was scared half to death that you wouldn’t pull through”  Gavin nodded slightly, and glanced over at Ryan, closing his fingers around Ryan’s outstretched fingers.

“I will” he said. Jack nodded slightly, and went to leave, but paused at the door.

“Don’t get your stitches wet, and don’t get out of bed on your own” she said, her voice taking on that familiar no-nonsense tone Gavin knew far too well “You lost too much blood to be without help right now. Ryan can help you when he wakes up.” She said, and winked at him before she left, grinning in a way that made Gavin’s face hot.

The door closed quietly behind her, and Gavin was left in his quiet room, fully awake, with a sleeping Vagabond taking up a rather large amount of his bed.

And no goddamn idea what to do about it.


	2. The Ties Were Black, the Lies Were White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's a date, or maybe Gavin's just reading far too much into things

It wasn’t until ages later that Ryan awoke, Gavin had stayed in his bed upon Jack’s advice, and had simply begun doing some work on his laptop, a few little tech things Geoff had asked him to look into the day prior before he and Ryan had left. It was nothing major, easily dealt with on his laptop without needing to move to his computer station across the room with it’s extra monitors and equipment for the sake of his work.

Ryan woke slowly, rubbing his hands slowly over his face, smearing the leftover face paint across his face, stretching his arms up, letting out a slow, quiet groan as his back cracked and popped after having spent hours on the window seat before actually laying down in a bed. Gavin watched him as he came out of sleep, he looked vulnerable, younger than he did when he was awake in this moment between sleeping and waking, and it made Gavin’s heart feel like it was bursting because he just looked so lovely.

When his eyes opened they were clouded with confusion. A quiet moment of anxiety as he realized he was not in his own room, and had been sleeping in an unfamiliar bed, until his eyes shifted over Gavin and he seemed to register where he was, and remember what had happened. His brows furrowed as he sat up, checking Gavin over, his eyes landing on the bandage on Gavin’s side, and closing, taking a deep breath to calm himself, having seemingly remembered why exactly he was here.

“You should wash your face Ryan” Gavin said softly, pausing his work. Ryan’s face paint was smeared and messy, the black around his eyes smudged and stuck to his lashes and the corners of his eyes, and smeared up his forehead from rubbing at his face in his sleep, and the white had mostly worn away across his cheeks, though much of it had gotten stuck in his hair just at his hairline. Ryan grunted quietly, frowning.

“Why?” he asked, his voice rough, looking confused.

“Your face paint’s still on love” he said, brows furrowed, reaching up and wiping at his cheek with the corner of his quilt. Ryan frowned, obviously confused, still fuzzy from sleep, or possibly lack thereof.

“Yeah, I guess so” he said, slowly standing from the bed, moving towards the door that led into Gavin’s bathroom. Gavin watched him go, curious as to why he seemed so confused, so off kilter, and he thought that perhaps it was because he had been awake on adrenaline for far too long, and hadn’t managed enough sleep to be able to fully function.

Ryan closed the door softly behind himself, and Gavin heard the lock click into place, and then the water being turned on in the bathtub, he listened to the water run for a few moments before it paused, the pipes hissed, and the sound changed from the tub’s faucet to the shower head raining down on the porcelain, and then the pattering sound of the water changed from hitting the floor of his tub to the more muffled sound of it pattering down on Ryan’s skin.

And Gavin would have given anything to be in there with him.

The thought of Ryan, wet and naked in his bathroom was completely overwhelming, and he was so distracted for a moment that he completely forgot about the work he was meant to be doing, instead listening to the constant soft patter of water on skin. Gavin shook himself out of his distraction, flushing red and turning his eyes away from his closed bathroom door and back to the screen of his laptop, going back to his work, scanning over the lines of code he’d been messing around with before Ryan had woken up.

A while later, as Gavin was just managing to finish up his work, the water shut off in the bathroom, and there was silence again, besides the quiet shuffling of Ryan’s feet on the soft bathmat next to his tub, and likely the towel he was drying off with. Just the idea of it was driving him to distraction. Now it would be utterly impossible to ever let go of this ridiculous crush he had on Ryan, not until he had sated his curiosity over everything about him.

Ryan returned shortly after the water had turned off, wearing his jeans from the day before, and toweling his hair dry where it hung loose around his shoulders. The sight utterly destroyed Gavin. Ryan’s baggy t-shirts and jackets did no justice to the body beneath; his shoulders were broad and strong, dimpled adorably at the joint between shoulder and well-muscled chest, and his jeans, without their belt, hung low on lean hips and taut stomach in a way that made Gavin’s mouth water, wanting to taste, to touch, to do just about anything Ryan asked him to do.

But he remained silent, and flicked his eyes back up to look at Ryan’s face, where the black face paint still clung to his lashes, outlining his odd, light eyes in a way that flattered their mismatched colours, accentuating the difference between the golden-green left and the cobalt blue right in a way that made Gavin want to weep with how beautiful they were.

“Feeling better?” Gavin asked, watching Ryan as he walked towards the bed again.

“Yeah” he said, clearing throat slightly, and draping the towel he’d been drying his hair with over the wooden footboard of Gavin’s bed “Gavin, I…” he paused, looking somewhat uncertain, running his fingers through still wet hair “I wanted to apologize, for yesterday” he said after a moment “I know you argued with me about it earlier this morning, but I’m honestly sorry that I couldn’t do more to protect you” he said, the look in his eyes was so sincere that it caught Gavin off-guard, seeing Ryan so… unguarded like this was so incredibly unusual that Gavin wasn’t sure how to respond. His mouth gaped, and his jaw worked as if he were going to speak, but no words came.

After a long pause, Gavin set his laptop aside and sat up on his knees, allowing himself the small movement without help to get closer to him, eyes searching over Ryan as he tried to curl in on himself, make himself smaller, less threatening.

“I should be the one apologizing” he said, biting his lip “I should have been wearing body armour, but I let my own hubris get in the way of my safety, and I’m so sorry that I scared you” he said quickly, worrying at his lip “I know I often take risks I shouldn’t, and it puts you all, and especially you Ryan, in a rough spot when I do get hurt”

“You really don’t need to apologize Gav, I mean it’s my job to –“

“I know it’s your job Ryan, but it’s also mine to make sure I stay safe, I’m not a child, and I should be more careful, I’m a threat to far too many people to be going out willy-nilly with no body armour to meet up with some new upstart trying to steal our ground” he said, cutting him off before he could finish.

Ryan’s eyes hardened for a moment, his brows pulled together in contemplation of what Gavin had just said, before softening again, offering him a somewhat sceptical look.

“And what if I can’t accept your apology?” he asked, his voice low, but not necessarily threatening.

“I’m not sure” Gavin mumbled, casting his gaze away from Ryan’s eyes and to the floor “I suppose I’d find a way to make it up to you somehow” he said, he could feel Ryan’s eyes on him, searching, almost predatory, and then the moment past, and Gavin felt a large, warm, calloused hand on his shoulder, and he looked up, finding Ryan quite a lot closer than he’d been a moment prior, and he couldn’t help but jump a little as he found himself nearly nose to nose with Ryan, his eyes soft and almost vulnerable.

“I can’t accept your apology” he said slowly “Because you don’t need to apologize” he said softly, his breath ghosting across Gavin’s lips, and he swallowed hard, not sure how to reply for a long moment.

“Than you don’t either” he replied, trying very hard to keep his eyes from flicking down to Ryan’s plush pink lips, trying to keep his mind on task and ignore the very tantalizing, and very real, man before him. Ryan looked almost taken aback at the suggestion, clearly having been sure that Gavin would accept his apology then.

“But-“ he started, confused.

“No buts” Gavin replied, staring hard into his eyes “If I don’t owe you an apology than you don’t owe me one”

Ryan considered this for a moment, looking confused at the suggestion, having clearly been so sure it was all his own fault, though neither of them was really to blame in the grand scheme of things.

“No more apologies, but I’ll let you make it up to me” Gavin said, at least partially giving into what Ryan wanted.

“Yeah? And how would I do that?” Ryan asked, finally stepping back from Gavin, raising a notched, slightly scarred, blond brow at him in a way that made Gavin’s knees go weak.

“Not sure yet, I’ll let you know love” Gavin said teasingly, grinning “First of all you can help me get to my real computers so I can do some work, and then I’ll decide” he said, filling his voice with as much cheek as he could manage. Ryan narrowed his eyes at him playfully, a grin sliding across his lovely mouth, and gently hauled Gavin to his feet, causing the lad to yelp in surprise at the sheer strength and fluidity of the movement as Ryan helped him hobble over to his computer chair.

“Text me if you need anything” Ryan said after wrapping Gavin’s quilt back around him once he was seated again, and Gavin grinned, nodding, and without another word, Ryan swept out of his room, closing the door with a soft click.

And Gavin wasn’t sure he had ever felt quite so alone.

-

Michael and Jeremy both came by his room not long after Ryan left to check on him. His two Lads had been far more worried about him than either of them would likely care to admit, and upon seeing him alive and well, albeit somewhat weak, both were able to relax, and threw themselves down into the comfortable chairs Gavin had gathered together near his computer set up.

“You gotta be more careful Boi” Michael said casually, but Gavin could hear the note of worry in his words.

“Yeah, I mean, we know you can take care of yourself, but you can’t be so reckless with your own life” Jeremy chimed in.

“He’s right, that’s our job” Michael said, grinning, and Jeremy nodded along.

“It was a fluke” Gavin said, shrugging slightly “One time out of a hundred isn’t bad odds I’d say” he said, eyes scanning through his work, flicking from one line of code to the next.

“Still Gav, you need to get some kinda body armour or something man” Jeremy protested, his brows drawn together “I don’t know what we’d do without you buddy, you can’t just be careless like that” Gavin was shocked by the sincerity of Jeremy’s words. He and Michael were the kings of reckless abandon, it was so unlike them to lecture him on safety that he understood just how much he’d scared them in that moment.

“I’ll be more careful, I promise” he said, matching Jeremy’s sincere tone “I’ll stay off one on one jobs like that for a bit, unless I need to” he said, hoping to quell their fears. Jeremy gave him a tight nod and Michael simply grunted in ascension, and Gavin could feel their relief as the tenseness rushed out of the room. They fell back to regular conversation for a time as Gavin worked, it was casual, easy, a deeply comfortable conversation that moved from random subject to even more random subject, interjected with terrible jokes and puns, and someone making a playful stab at Jeremy’s dress sense followed by Jeremy interjecting some comment about Rimmy Tim. It was an ease of years that didn’t care about the bullet wound on Gavin’s side, or the burn scars on Michael’s hands, and Jeremy’s nearly permanently scraped and tattered knuckles, it didn’t necessarily always ignore those things, but it certainly didn’t harp on them the way others might.

As the morning wore on Jeremy and Michael turned their focus from Gavin and his work to the television droning the news mounted on his wall, commenting on this and that story as it came up, making jokes about the LSPDs incompetence, and casually chatting about this or that news story possibly connected to them or someone they knew. Gavin half tuned them out, wanting to get his work done, but not wanting to sacrifice the comfortable company that was having his Lads in his room.

It was several hours later, Gavin’s work finished, and Jeremy and Michael having helped him over to his window seat, when he had a somewhat nerve wracking remembrance that had been fully pushed out of his mind by all the pain and excitement of the previous day, and the tech work he’d needed to get done after he had come to.

He had agreed to case a party on Geoff’s behalf. A rather big deal as far as working parties went for the Fakes. It was the first time they’d be able to get eyes on a rather illusive target, and Gavin had been entrusted with either taking the man out then and there, or finding a way to do so quickly and easily within the days shortly thereafter.

The party was scheduled for two nights from then, on Saturday, and Gavin wasn’t so sure he’d be able to go. He’d been meant to go alone for the sake of anonymity. But he was in no shape to be out by himself, though he’d likely be able to walk easily by then he’d still likely be too weak on his feet if the man put up a fight somehow.

It took him a short moment of panic to realize that he didn’t need to go in alone. He had allowed Ryan to owe him, he could easily call on that and Ryan would ask no questions.

The idea of Ryan playing his backup again made a warm feeling roll through his gut, butterflies bursting into his stomach. He would be safe with Ryan. He would be able to enjoy himself with Ryan as well, of course he could enjoy himself with any of the others, but being able to take Ryan out on a task like this was different, Ryan’s specialties seemed mostly to lie in his role of reinforcement, his intimidating height, his broad shoulders and fast reactions, his brutal force, his odd eyes that always seemed to glow behind his mask when he worked.

But, despite his endearing flubs, Ryan was good with words, he could deflect Gavin’s questions with an ease that was almost criminal. He knew how to work with his words and his voice.

And Gavin assumed it was because he had been voiceless for so long. He wanted, now more than ever, to make his own voice count where he could.

Gavin looked down at his phone, cradled in his hands, no new notifications, and made the decision then.

Ryan would go with him.

He unlocked his phone quickly and pulled up Ryan’s contact, his fingers shaking, all sound gone out of the room.

_Wanna go to a party with me?_

Ryan’s reply was almost immediate.

_Aren’t you a little injured to go out tonight?_

_Not tonight Ryan, Geoff asked me to do a job that’s scheduled in a few days and I can’t go by myself now, but I also can’t cancel at this point either._

There was a longer pause between messages this time before Ryan replied, but it was a simple one when he did.

_Well, I do owe you_

_So you’ll do it?_ He shot back quickly, holding his phone perhaps too tight.

_Yeah, I’ll do it, but on one condition_

_And what’s that?_ Gavin’s stomach rolled, nervous excitement roiling at the prospect of Ryan actually being his date to a party.

Well, maybe not a _date_ but still, having him go along would be lovely.

 _That you owe me a favor_ Came Ryan’s reply a few moments later, and Gavin’s stomach flipped at the very thought.

The favor would likely be something small, nothing of much consequence, probably asking him to pick up some Diet Coke, or clean his guns, or something else that wouldn’t really matter in the grand scheme, but the idea of owing Ryan something, however small, made him feel almost weak in the knees at the very idea of what kind of favor he might call in.

“Gav, hey! Gav!” Michael’s voice managed to break through the nerves that had blocked out the sounds around him, and Gavin jolted, looking up at him “Who’re you texting Boi?”

“Oh, just Ryan” Gavin said quickly, shutting his screen off and locking his phone.

“Seemed pretty intense to just be Ryan, we’ve been asking you if you wanna Party for like five minutes” Jeremy said, looking confused “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, I just need a hand with something Saturday evening and he owes me a favor” Gavin said, trying to force his tone to stay casual.

“You need a hand alright” Michael said, his voice dripping with sarcasm “A hand with your fuckin sex life Boi”

“Michael!” Gavin crowed, immediately flushing bright red.

“What!? I know what you’re like when you get pining over someone, and these are all your classic symptoms” Michael held up a hand, starting a count “You text em a lot even if they’re in the same house, you tune out everything else to focus on what they’re saying, you get all red when we ask what’s going on, you locked your screen the second you heard my voice” Michael shrugged, shaking his head “It’s textbook buddy” he said, and Jeremy nodded along, and Gavin hated in that moment just how well they knew him.

“It’s not like that Boi” Gavin protested, even though he knew it was really no use.

“Seems like it is” Jeremy countered, looking sceptical.

“Maybe not on his part Gav, but it sure is on yours” Michael said, shrugging “It’s okay if you like him, we aren’t gonna make fun of you” he said, and Gavin knew he meant it, and sighed heavily.

“None of this leaves this room” he said firmly, watching as Michael crossed his heart and Jeremy mimed zipping his lips.

“He and I have been paired together a lot, and I already liked him, but we’ve been spending so much time around each other and I’ve gotten to know him a little bit and” he paused, sighing “Not as much as I’d like to know him, but a bit, and he’s just a really nice guy, and I guess I really fancy him, but I don’t know what to do about it because he’s just so quiet and mysterious and he won’t open up about it”

“Here’s an idea” Michael said, rolling his eyes “When you go out with him on Saturday maybe make it more like a date, like get dinner first, or compliment him, I dunno, but like make him feel like it’s a real date and not just a job” Gavin nodded slightly along to what Michael was saying, knowing that he was right, if this was going to happen then he’d need to make the first move. Ryan was too reserved, and while Gavin always preferred to reel someone in instead of making the jump himself, for Ryan he’d do just about anything to get him where he wanted him.

And where he wanted him was closer, physically, mentally, emotionally, he wanted to know Ryan in every way it was possible to know a person. He wanted to know what his face looked like when he was dreaming, what he’d wanted to be when he was a kid, he wanted to know his favorite colour, what he did in school, why he had been dying his hair before he joined the Fakes, why he grew it out, he wanted to know the sound he made when he slid into a bath after a long day, what the last thing he did at night before he went to bed was, he wanted absolutely everything he could get from Ryan, and there was only one way to do that.

Make the leap.

-

They ended up agreeing on grabbing dinner before the party. The whole thing was meant to start at around eight o’clock, which meant they had until about nine to arrive, fashionably late, to curb any suspicion as to why they were there, so they agreed on dinner at seven-thirty, and Jack managed to pull a few strings at their favorite Italian place downtown to get them a reservation last minute.

By the time Saturday rolled around Gavin was jittery with nerves for the dinner. The job would likely be quite easy, Gavin was charming, and it was hilariously simple to pull a target in where he wanted them, no matter how cautious they may usually have been.

But the dinner. Gavin was so utterly nervous that he had changed his outfit choice four times over the course of a few hours, and was so flustered and frustrated with himself about it that Michael and Jeremy had to shout him down from just canceling the dinner, before finally helping him decide on a dark green suit jacket and waist coat that brought out the green and gold of his eyes, with plain black slacks and a matching black button-down, no tie, unbuttoned two buttons down from his throat, and shining black dress shoes. He wore his typical jewelry, a thin gold chain that disappeared beneath his shirt collar, several glittering gold rings, a lovely pair of sapphire studs Jack had given him for his last birthday, and a nose stud that matched the earrings, all three quite small and set in shining yellow gold.

He agonized over wearing makeup, and decided against it eventually, because if he did he’d need to shave for his own personal comfort, and he didn’t really feel like shaving.

He was ready to go by seven, slipping his wallet, keys, phone, and a small glass vial into an inner pocket in his jacket, and went to meet Ryan after many assurances from his Lads that he looked nice, and that he’d be alright.

He made his way out to the living room to meet Ryan, and found him already there, waiting for him, plucking at the cuffs of his jacket in an uneasy way. Gavin stopped dead in the doorway as Ryan turned to look at him.

He looked so James Bond it made Gavin weak in the knees for a moment, made him want to reach out and brace himself on the wall because he looked so bloody gorgeous.

He wore his hair pulled back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck, and Gavin couldn’t tell if he simply couldn’t get the black paint out of his lashes or if he’d put on eyeliner, but either way the black rimming his eyes made them look wider, brighter, more curious and soft.

And the suit, God! The _suit_. It was a clean cut classic tux, it reminded him of something Geoff might have worn to a function like this, but so unlike Geoff’s tuxes that it made his head spin. It was a soft almost blue black two piece suit, the jacket had black silk lapels that Gavin could have spent ages running his fingers over. The suit jacket was perfectly tailored, hugging his broad shoulders without straining the fabric, and tapered in to his thin waist and hips, accentuating his build in a way that made Gavin’s mouth water. The shirt he wore beneath it was a deep scarlet, buttoned to his throat with a black tie done up not quite as tight as it should have been, the knot a little wonky, the shirt was tucked formally into his suit trousers, which hugged his arse and thighs in such a flattering way Gavin couldn’t look for fear of never being able to look away. He swallowed hard, and started moving again.

“Ready to go?” Ryan asked, his eyes flicking over Gavin in a way that made butterflies burst in his stomach.

“Yeah, just about” Gavin replied, surprised at the steadiness of his voice as he finally approached Ryan, and without a second thought, he reached up and fixed Ryan’s slightly wonky tie, tightening it a little and setting it correctly against his throat. “Alright, now we’re good” he said, looking up into Ryan’s face and smiling at him.

The look he found on Ryan’s face was confused, almost startled, by Gavin’s closeness and gentle hands. Gavin’s brows furrowed, cocking his head to the side slightly.

“What?” he asked in reference to the look, quickly Ryan’s expression changed, flattening out a little bit.

“Nothing” he said, almost too quickly, which roused a sense of suspicion in Gavin that he couldn’t quite place the exact route of.

“Alright” he said, sceptical.

“Come on, let’s go” he said quickly, moving towards the door quickly, Gavin followed, deeply confused by what had just happened, but decided to leave it be, in favor of trying to have a relatively calm evening.

-

The drive to the restaurant was mostly quiet, Ryan drove, while occasionally calling on Gavin as his navigator, and Gavin couldn’t tell if perhaps he’d done something wrong by fixing Ryan’s tie, or if perhaps Ryan was just in a foul mood.

When they got inside the restaurant and were seated Ryan finally spoke to him in a much more casual way, though still about work.

“So what is this job about?” he asked curiously as they looked over the menus, “I know you mentioned you were supposed to go alone, so I’m curious”

“Oh, well, Geoff’s been trying to get to this reclusive business guy for ages, he’s been dipping in quite deeply where he shouldn’t be, but other than that he’s not much of a threat. He’s supposed to be at this party, his daughter owns the venue it’s being held at because it’s her birthday, and Geoff asked me to go in and case the place and see if I could get close to him” Gavin shrugged slightly, flicking his eyes up from the menu to look at Ryan “You having second thoughts?”

“Never” Ryan said quickly “I guess I’m just confused as to why you asked me to come along, I mean you’re doing okay now, right? Why would you need my help?”

“Well maybe I wanted the company, these things can get dreadfully boring when you’re by yourself, and I like having you around Ryan” he said, hoping Ryan couldn’t see his cheeks go pink.

“I…” Ryan started, seeming genuinely confused “I didn’t know you liked having me around that much” he said, blinking at Gavin confusedly.

“I Like having you around a lot” Gavin replied, biting his cheek to keep from saying more.

“I-I’m glad to hear that Gav” he said, and Gavin noticed the tinge of pink that crept up Ryan’s neck, or perhaps he was just imaging it.

He didn’t have the time to say anything more before their waiter arrived and took their orders. While they waited for their dinners they had a few drinks, and for Ryan by drinks it really means a glass of water, and chatted casually about Gavin’s plan for the party to get their target alone.

Gavin would corner him once they found him, pretend he knew him from some prior engagement, and try and get him away from the main room of the party, slip something into his drink perhaps, or use the knife he had concealed in a secret pocket just inside his sleeve if he couldn’t find the chance to slip the poison from the small vial he’d grabbed before leaving into a drink for him.

The dinner was nice, Ryan had been avoiding him since he had woken up in Gavin’s bed on Thursday morning, and actually being able to sit down and speak with him one on one again after that was really nice. He had, inexplicably, missed him.

When they were finished their dinner, Gavin paid for them both after waving away Ryan’s attempt to do so, they left quickly to make it to the party.

And Gavin felt like he was walking on air from all the attention Ryan had lavished on him over dinner, the compliments to his suit, to his plan, the thanks for his invitation, it all had him thrumming with pleasure.

Gavin loved praise more than anything else, and to receive it from Ryan felt like a true accomplishment.

Their casual conversation continued through the drive to the venue, and their quiet entrance about forty-five minutes late, and lasted up until they began mingling.

For a time Gavin kept Ryan close to him, relying on him perhaps a little too much as he scoped the room out, trying to find their target.

Finally, after two loops of the room Gavin caught sight of him, he was older, but otherwise relatively healthy looking and well built, Gavin couldn’t understand why a man like this would choose to remain so reclusive. In his excitement at locating him Gavin’s hands flew up and gripped at Ryan’s elbow, holding onto him like they were taking a casual stroll together. Ryan looked down at him with a look of alarm in his eyes and Gavin nodded towards their target where he stood near the bar, trying to keep himself away from the general attention. Gavin released Ryan’s elbow and made a casual bee-line towards him, strolling up to the bar and ordering himself a scotch on the rocks, and taking a few steps towards him as the bar tender made his drink.

“Seems like a lot of fuss” Gavin said, putting an edge of exasperation in his voice.

“I’d be inclined to agree” the man replied non-commitally, sipping at his whiskey.

“It all seems like far too much” Gavin said, thanking the bar tender as he handed him his drink, he glanced over at the man, very aware that Ryan had stayed several paces away from him to observe without obstruction.

“Seems like you’re one to talk about too much” the man said, looking him up and down, taking in Gavin’s carefully constructed outfit.

“Perhaps, but I believe there’s a firm line between a single person being a little much versus, well, all of this” he said, waving his empty hand to indicate the massive room packed with people. The man nodded, a smile playing on just one corner of his lips.

“I suppose you’re right” he said, sipping at his drink again “What brings you in here than, if you feel like it’s all a bit much?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“A friend was invited and wanted someone to accompany her, lost her five minutes after we got here in the blasted crowd” he said, shrugging slightly “I’ll find her eventually.”

He and the man engaged in casual conversation for a time that Gavin managed to slowly shift into something more flirty, gaining the man’s interest and trust with light touches and falsely sincere compliments, until he managed to get him to agree to head back into a quieter room to continue speaking, and Gavin ordered them both another drink to take along with them, and while his back was turned to the man, facing the bar, he pulled out the small vial from his inner pocket and uncorked it, pouring the clear liquid into the man’s whiskey, before slipping the vial back into his pocket, picking up the drinks, and turning back to the man. He handed him the whiskey, and they moved out of the crowd, towards a door tucked away a few feet away from them in a dark corner, and Gavin watched as he sipped his drink, giving him a cheeky smile, that the man simply took for flirting.

Once back out of the room the man sat down in a plush armchair and invited Gavin to sit with him, he obliged and perched on the arm of the chair, sipping slowly at his scotch as the man downed his whiskey quickly. They spent a few more minutes talking casually, the man’s hand slowly creeping up Gavin’s thigh, before he decided enough was enough.

The poison he’d slipped into the man’s drink was somewhat slow acting, but impossible to survive, and so with an assurance in his own mind of the man’s death, he excused himself to the loo, leaving the man with a wink and a cheeky, lopsided grin, and slipped out of the room.

He found Ryan and gently took hold of his elbow, not noticing, at first, the anger in his eyes as he approached.

“Time to go Ryan, job’s done” he said, trying to lead him to the door, but Ryan’s body was stiff and unmoving, Gavin’s brows furrowed and he looked up into Ryan’s face to find a sharp annoyance had settled itself into his usually quite sweet features, and Gavin was taken aback for a moment.

“Did something happen while I was gone?” he asked, his eyes darting around the room, wondering if they’d been caught out.

“No” Ryan said firmly, his voice sharp, the word coming out clipped and angry, Gavin’s brows drew further together, not understanding what had happened to make Ryan so angry when everything had been fine earlier. “Let’s just go” he said sharply, pulling his arm out of Gavin’s grasp, and striding forward fast enough that Gavin needed to walk much faster than usual just to keep on his heels.

Out in the parking lot Ryan drew in a deep breath of the cool night air, his eyes closed, but his features still sharp, and let out a loud huff of air.

“Don’t go off by yourself like that again” Ryan said simply, his voice a little calmer, but still with that edge to it that Gavin didn’t care for.

“That was the whole point of the job” Gavin said defensively “You knew that going in”

“I can’t protect you if you take off like that without me” Ryan said as they got into the car, trying to keep his voice even, but Gavin could tell just how upset he was, and it brought him back to their last job all over again.   
“I-I’m sorry, Ryan” he said softly, picking at his fingernails as he got in on the passenger’s side.

“Just” he paused, sighing heavily “Don’t fucking take off like that again” he said, and Gavin wasn’t quite so sure that was the only thing bothering him, but he was too scared to actually ask him what had happened while he was out of the room, he hated to see Ryan so upset, and with no idea how to fix things, he didn’t want to make things worse by prying, Ryan was so private that pushing things would only make them worse, and as much as he wanted to know more about Ryan, of the few things he knew for sure, he wouldn’t push on this.

A Ryan who was this upset over something he was unwilling to share was not a Ryan to be poked and prodded for information. He would leave it for now.

He reached across the center console and gently laid his fingers on Ryan’s forearm, and waited for him to look over.

“I’m sorry Ryan, I didn’t mean to scare you, or to upset you, I’ll be smarter about it next time.” He said, biting his lip. Ryan’s eyes softened slightly when he heard the sincerity in Gavin’s words, and he sighed heavily, his eyes flicking back out the windshield as they pulled out of the lot.

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose” he said after a long moment of silence “I should have known you’d wander off, that’s always been your style” he said, the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips “Flirt until you get what you’re looking for and then do whatever it is you need to do” he said, and while the edge had mostly dissipated from his voice there still remained a sense of upset just beneath his words that kept Gavin from saying anything more.

The drive home was quiet and somewhat tense, and they were back at the penthouse by eleven o’clock, plenty of time for either of them to get anything else done, but Gavin, for one, just felt somewhat exhausted, and when they reached their floor and stepped out he started moving back towards his room, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he went.

He was just about to turn the corner in the hall that lead to his bedroom when he felt Ryan’s large, warm hand on his shoulder, gently turning him back to look at him.

“Thank you, for inviting me out” he said, not quite meeting Gavin’s eyes, and he could’ve sworn the tips of Ryan’s ears had gone pink “I know you were supposed to go alone, and I appreciate that you invited me, and treated me to dinner” finally his lovely mismatched eyes met Gavin, an uncertainty in them that made Gavin’s stomach roll with nerves “And, I’m sorry that I overreacted, I’m just nervous to lose sight of you after the other day” he said and Gavin took a step towards him, offering him a slight smile.

“It was a pleasure, Ryan, I think I’d like to have you along on more of these jobs, if you’re willing” he said, biting his lips together after he finished. Ryan gave him a somewhat awkward, tense, smile and nodded slightly.

“I think I’d like that” he said, there was a long pause where they just stood looking at each other for a long moment, before Ryan looked away down the hall and cleared his throat “I think I’m gonna head to bed” he said slowly, Gavin nodded and smiled at him slightly.

“That was my plan as well” he said tentatively.

“Goodnight, Gav” Ryan said, moving to walk away, but Gavin caught him by the elbow quickly and pulled him back, leaning up on his toes slightly to press a soft kiss to his cheek.

“Goodnight, Ryan” he said, smiling shyly. He watched as Ryan processed what had just happened, blinking in confusion, before he just nodded slightly, cleared his throat after swallowing hard, offered another mumbled goodbye, and sped off down the hall.

Leaving Gavin standing in the hallway with a massive swarm of butterflies in his stomach, and a light feeling that carried him all the way to his bedroom, and kept him awake, staring at the ceiling until the soft grey light of dawn started filtering through his window blinds, and he finally fell asleep.


	3. All of This Silence and Patience, Pining and Anticipation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin isn't sure how to deal with silence, his work had always revolved so heavily around his words, so what happens when all he receives from the one person he wants to speak with the most remains silent? And how does he deal with him finally opening up about something?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this chapter yesterday (literally four thousand words of this were written yesterday, yay hyperfixation!), and this is one of the fastest chapters I've ever written, I feel like I'm setting up some kind of expectation of me actually having a posting schedule lmao, but I'm really loving this story, so I've been focusing a lot of time on it, hopefully I can keep up with this posting schedule and actually continue posting at least once a week!

After the party Gavin noticed Ryan avoiding him again. He couldn’t understand it, what had he done wrong? He understood that taking off like he had at the party had upset Ryan, and that perhaps his apology just hadn’t been enough, though Ryan had seemed to accept it at the time.

Maybe it had been that kiss?

To deal with this not-so-subtle rejection, Gavin threw himself into his work. Geoff had asked him to set up a new security perimeter around their apartment building, and the penthouse itself. It wasn’t an absolute necessity, but Geoff had asked him to look into setting something up, and powered by his own distress at Ryan’s silent treatment he threw himself into it and created an extremely complex, and extremely thorough security perimeter around their building. He had spent hours updating their already existing cameras and purchasing and reworking new ones to set up in blind spots he had discovered in the years since he had originally set up their security measures.

It was quite late, more towards dawn than he had realized when he finished, but it had been nearly a week since he had taken Ryan out on that job and he was so anxious now about Ryan’s avoidance that he couldn’t sleep. So, he had stayed up testing their systems until so late that the soft grey light of dawn was starting to filter in through his partially open curtains. He had been drinking coffee through the night and was a little jittery from the caffeine as he stood from his computer, finally happy with their new systems, and wandered out of his room in search of something to eat, having realized he was starving as he was finishing up the last round of tests on one of the new cameras.

Out in the hallway he paused, listening to the quiet sounds of the penthouse at night, the wind whistling past the windows, the crew shifting in their beds, the creaking of the floorboards under his bare feet, it was peaceful, this late at night, or perhaps this early in the morning, and he found an odd sort of comfort in that as he moved quietly down the hall to the kitchen to rummage through their snack cupboard.

On his way back to his bedroom, loaded down with some sweets and a bag of crisps, he noticed a disturbance in the quiet house sounds that hadn’t been there before.

It sounded like someone was crying.

Or, perhaps it was simply the wind whistling across an open window someone had forgotten.

He paused outside his door, waiting for the sound again, trying to discern if the sound really was human, or if it were simply his tired mind overreacting to a house sound.

After a long moment of silence, the sound came again, a sort of strangled, whimpering grunt of noise that came from just down the hall. Gavin frowned, confused, and went into his room, setting down his snacks, before going back out into the hallway, following the sound down the hall, pausing in front of the room it seemed to be coming from.

And found himself standing in front of Ryan’s partially open door.

Slowly, hesitantly, he pressed his hand to the wood and pushed the door open further and stepped inside.

In that moment Gavin realized he’d never actually been in Ryan’s bedroom.

The walls were a soft dove grey and he had blackout curtains on his windows, his desk was dark wood and pressed against the wall opposite his bed, a dresser just beneath his window, and a set of comfy chairs by his window, and every flat surface seemed to contain at least one plant, two potted succulents on his desk, a cactus on the windowsill, what Gavin thought was an aloe plant on the dresser, and a few others here and there.

Ryan was curled up in a ball in the middle of his bed on his side, his face was pale and his forehead was shining with sweat, and his legs seemed to be tangled in his sheets. He let out another distressed sound and Gavin moved towards him without hesitation, dropping to his knees by the side of Ryan’s bed.

Slowly he reached out and touched a hand to Ryan’s forearm, and his eyes fluttered slightly. Gavin gently wrapped his hands around his arm and shook him slightly, and suddenly Ryan’s eyes flew open, looking wild and terrified, he ripped his arm away from Gavin’s hand seemingly on reflex and threw himself backwards away from him, scrambling to shove his hand under his pillow to grab… _something_ before his eyes cleared and he fully came too, looking over Gavin’s face with pure fear for a long moment.

“I-I’m sorry” Gavin said quietly “I didn’t mean to frighten you” he watched as the fear slowly left Ryan’s eyes, the tension of panic dropping out of his muscles, and he released whatever he had been grabbing for under his pillow, which, in the near pitch black of his room, Gavin thought might be a knife of some sort.

“It’s okay” he said slowly, shaking himself “I was bound to wake myself up anyway” he said. Gavin nodded slightly and pushed himself up from the floor, unsure of what to do.

“Are you alright?” he asked softly, biting the inside of his cheek. Ryan shrugged slightly with one shoulder, and sighed heavily, leaning over to turn on the lamp on his bedside table.

“I don’t know Gav” he said, rubbing his hands over his face. Tentatively, Gavin sat on the edge of the bed, leaving a comfortable amount of distance between them so as not to frighten Ryan more.

“We all get nightmares you know” he said softly, not quite meeting his eyes “Every single one of us, including me” he flicked his eyes up to Ryan’s for a moment, finding confusion in Ryan’s lovely eyes, seemingly unbelieving of the very idea that Gavin could possibly have nightmares.  “It’s a symptom of all this I think, no matter how long we’re in it or how much we’ve seen there’s always something we cling to in our pasts that resurface” he shrugged slightly, rubbing at his neck.

“I guess” Ryan mumbled, his tone non-comital, avoiding looking at Gavin’s face.

“Just before I left England one of my best friends was killed” he said slowly, he’d only ever told the full story to Jack, it was too painful still to talk about, even over five years later, it had been his fault after all. “I was a negotiator and a runner for a rather large gang back in London, I’d gotten quite close with the boss’ three daughters by virtue of being valuable. They were good girls, all three of them, his middle daughter is why I know BSL, she was born deaf after her mum got ill during her pregnancy, and it felt rude to make her read my lips and get her sisters to translate all the time.” Gavin smiled a bit, remembering how to an extent, he had been that for Ryan when he’d first joined, a translator, a key to the rest of the world that was their family, their crew.

“His oldest was closest to my age, we were both seventeen at the time, and other than Dan and his mum she was the only person I was out to then, and we got quite close” he sighed heavily, staring hard at the lamplight on Ryan’s table, trying to force back the lump in his throat “She was poised to take over her father’s business when she was old enough, she was extremely valuable to him, because she was his heir, and because he was a good dad and he really loved his girls” Gavin paused, not quite sure how to continue.

“What happened?” Ryan asked after Gavin had paused for too long.

“They killed her” he said simply, shaking his head “She was kidnapped over a deal gone sour, and used as a bargaining piece, we set up a meeting with the other crew, told them to bring her and we’d see what we could work out” he shook his head “I managed to walk away with what I thought was her life for a relatively small piece of territory and some weapons, I thought it’d gone perfectly. But it hadn’t” he sighed heavily, trying to push back the mounting grief in his chest, trying to keep it from strangling him “They’d killed her long before we got there, they’d had her sat on a chair behind them with a bag over her head, so I couldn’t quite see if she was moving, and I was too stupid then to know to force the other group to let me look at who I’m bargaining for first, too arrogant. But when they’d left I went to untie her and pull the bag off, and her head tipped forward and the back of her head was blown open, there wasn’t anything I could do about it, I couldn’t bring her back, and I couldn’t have saved her, I’d bargained for a corpse without even knowing I was doing it. It’s never left me, _she’s_ never left me, and I think about her all the time” he rubbed his hands over his face, pressing his palms into his eyes “And then something similar happened to Michael a few months after we took him on, and I was so sure I was going to find him with a bullet wound nestled in his curls, just like her, and I think about it all the time, what if something happens and I can’t save you, what if I’m going in to bargain for a life when there isn’t one to bargain for?” he looked over at Ryan, finding him looking stricken, and he let out a harsh laugh, standing up quickly, pacing across the room, separating himself from Ryan.

“It haunts me, Ryan” he said, his voice rough from emotion “So I understand having nightmares about your past, it’s something you can’t avoid in this life, no matter how hard you try, and I’m goddamn _terrified_ of it” he shoved his hands in his pockets, avoiding looking at Ryan’s face, sure he’d find judgement in those enchanting eyes, waiting for the angry words, the insults to his one talent in the whole world, his words.

But it didn’t come.

Ryan remained silent where he sat on the edge of his bed.

Slowly, Gavin looked up, met his eyes, and saw… _something_ there that he couldn’t quite identify, but not the judgement, the anger, that he had assumed he’d see there. After all, he’d just admitted to allowing a girl he’d loved like his own family to die on his watch, but there was something that was perhaps compassion in Ryan’s mismatched eyes as he studied Gavin.

“You can’t possibly think that that was your fault” he said after a long moment of silence, his brows furrowed in genuine confusion.

“Of course it was!” Gavin countered, almost defensive “I should have checked, I should have known, my arrogance not only lost her her life but a lot of time and money on my boss’ behalf, and all I got was a murdered friend for my attempt” he swallowed hard, shaking his head.

“But it wasn’t, Gavin, they had no idea it would be you that came in, they made the decision to kill her in the first place, they didn’t do it because you did something wrong, they did it because they had no concept of humanity” he said firmly. Gavin sighed, shaking his head, Ryan didn’t get it, it had been his fault, he was their number one negotiator so of course they’d known it’d be him.

“Mine are about my family” Ryan said when he had gone too long without replying “More specifically my step-father” he said, his voice hard. Slowly, Gavin moved back towards the bed, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“My dad passed away when I was a kid, and my mom married a psychopath after that. He tried his damnedest to ruin me, and I guess he did in some ways. I left home the second I could, graduated high school early, and left our small town in Georgia to go to college to get away from him. I stayed away as long as I could, got a Bachelor of Arts in theater, lived on campus the first year, then got an apartment in the summer so I wouldn’t have to go home. I was fucking terrified of him. And when I graduated I was alone. I went home one last time to pick up a few things, and it all went to shit.” He shook his head, and Gavin inched closer to him, watching as he ran his hands through his hair, thinking everything over. “I got home to find my mother gone, which was odd because she hadn’t worked since she married him, and he wasn’t either. I went through my old bedroom and took anything from it that I hadn’t taken in the first place that I wanted, and packed it all up, brought it out to my truck, and went out behind the house, thinking maybe the bike I’d had in high school might still be in the shed, and I could take it with me. What I found was a hole. It had been dug back up by some animal after he’d filled it in. And in the ground was my mother.” He paused, letting out a bitter laugh “I guess they’d gotten into some kind of argument over me, my mom had texted me a few days before asking when I was coming home, asking if I wanted to get dinner with her while I was there, I think she was thinking of leaving him or something, and he went nuts, and he killed her.” He said, and Gavin was stricken, he hadn’t known, he’d had no idea that Ryan had gone through this, he’d never spoken about it before “I just snapped. All the stress and fear and trauma I’d gone through at his hands all came bursting forth, and all I could think to do was what he’d done to her. I waited for him to come home, and I dealt with him. I’m still wanted in Georgia for both of their deaths, even though I’d only been involved in one. He still haunts me though, and I think he always will, but sometimes all of it just comes back, and it just hits me, like tonight I suppose” he sighed heavily, shaking his head “That one was my fault, I should have been home to protect her, but I wasn’t, and I can’t forgive myself for it.”

Slowly Gavin moved towards him, and sat down next to him on the bed, leaving only a little bit of space between them, but still being mindful of Ryan’s personal space, not allowing himself to sit too close.

“It wasn’t your fault Ryan” he said softly “If you’d been there when it happened he’d have just hurt you, or worse, there wasn’t anything you could’ve done about it, you’d likely have died with your mother then and there, and then who would’ve made him pay for it?” he looked into Ryan’s face, finding genuine surprise there.

“But –“ he started, but Gavin stopped him, putting a hand on his arm.

“No, it’s not your fault, you did the best you could have done by getting out and saving yourself. I can’t imagine where we’d all be without you here” he said softly, and Ryan frowned, searching his face.

“You probably wouldn’t have gotten hurt” he said, his hand lifting up, his fingers hovering just above Gavin’s bullet wound, not touching him, but seemingly wanting to.

“You’re right. I’d probably have died.” He said simply “I love my Lads but they would’ve panicked for me, and by the time we got back I might not have been savable, but you didn’t, you saved my life.” He said simply, refusing to let Ryan think he was useless, that it was all his fault.

“You shouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place”

“Well I did, and we can’t change what happened, we just have to accept it and move on” he said “There’s nothing to be done, except think things through better next time” Ryan cocked his head slightly, and nodded a little, sighing.

“I suppose” he conceded slowly.

“It’s the same with our pasts, I’ve accepted what happened to my friend, I’ve accepted that blame, whether you believe I should or not, but her death was my fault, and even though it sticks with me I’m not letting it rule my life, if I did I wouldn’t be working the way I do, I’d never have been a negotiator again, so you just need to accept these things, and keep going, because getting stuck on the past doesn’t help at all” he said. Ryan studied him for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh, shaking his head.

“I guess you’re right” he said, letting out a long breath “I can’t let my past ruin me” Gavin scooted a little bit closer to him, biting his cheek.

“And you’re safe here, no one here is going to let anything happen to anyone” he said, giving Ryan’s wrist a gentle squeeze “I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, I promise” he said, and he saw a flash of something in Ryan’s eyes that he couldn’t identify, which seemed to be a theme for these early hours.

“You don’t need to promise that” he said, brows furrowed, almost confused.

“If it helps you sleep better than yes, I do” he said, his heart racing “You’re safe here, and I would rather die than let you get hurt here” he said. Ryan didn’t respond, staring at him in what Gavin assumed was open confusion that such a thin, clumsy boy would even attempt to promise that, but Gavin was good with a gun, and a knife for that matter, and he’d be damned if he let Ryan get hurt in this house after making that promise. He was as fast as he was cunning, and he was quite cunning, he could easily protect Ryan if it ever came down to it. Not that he thought Ryan really needed protecting, but it was the thought that counted.

After a long enough pause on both ends Gavin stood from his bed, smoothing his hands over his jeans, starting to feel awkward with Ryan’s eyes on him.

“I’ll let you get back to sleep” he said, moving around the bed, going to leave, feeling suddenly completely exhausted.

He had just made it to the door, his hand on the knob, when Ryan finally spoke.

“Thanks for waking me up” he said softly, and Gavin tossed him a small, tentative smile and shrugged slightly.

“No problem” he said, and slipped out the door, and back down the hall to his own room.

-

Gavin ended up sleeping for most of the day, he’d spent practically a full week awake, and while he felt a little better after waking up at almost seven pm, he still felt mostly awful, and completely exhausted. He’d been fueled by caffeine, determination, and a perceived, deeply upsetting, rejection, and the crash off of it was so brutal he felt like he was dying, it’d been absolute ages since he’d gone so long without sleep, and he’d forgotten how rotten it made him feel.

He managed to drag himself out of bed and to his bathroom, he needed to relax his muscles, his body ached from having been hunched over his work for so many days, so he drew a bath to try and relax both his body and mind, setting his phone on a little table he kept next to the tub, playing a nature documentary he’d been wanting to watch on Netflix, and settled back in the hot, bubbly water, thankfully Jack had removed his stiches the morning prior, deciding the wound had closed up well enough, so he needn’t worry about avoiding getting them wet., a few tall, lavender scented candles burning away on the lip of the tub to soothe his nerves.

Something about his conversation with Ryan in the early hours that morning had left his nerves shaken, perhaps it was his admittance, and remembrance of wrongdoing on the part of his old friend, or perhaps it was learning what had caused Ryan to leave Georgia, but he felt heavy in a way he couldn’t explain, but it made him feel a little unsettled. He thought perhaps it had more to do with his own story than Ryan’s fearing how Ryan might look at him now that he knew what he’d done.

But then, Ryan had just as awful a story in his past, and while Gavin didn’t blame Ryan for his actions, knowing full well he’d likely do the same, it had hit him in a place and just hung there that left him upset, deeply sad on Ryan’s behalf, for what he had gone through. It made his heart ache to think of a young Ryan, twenty-one and still trying to cling to the positive moments of life, only to be immediately thrust into something so awful the moment he thought he was finally free.

But then, if it hadn’t been for that, he never would have met Ryan, and the mere thought of that made his stomach lurch, his heart race, it made him want to cry at the mere thought of never having known Ryan.

He was so deep in thought that he didn’t hear his bedroom door creep open, squeaking softly on it’s hinges like it always did, and the sound of his documentary drowned out the footsteps that made their way through his room to the door to his bathroom.

He only realized that someone had come in when he registered the bathroom door, which he’d left slightly ajar, creaking open, and suddenly Ryan was filling the doorway, looking calm at first before he registered how he’d found him.

“Fuck, shit, sorry Gavin!” he sputtered, pulling the door closed quickly, but not before a very startled Gavin had seen his face go bright red. He sat bold upright in the tub, feeling somewhat comforted by the high sides of the tub, the bubbles, and the dim lighting, as it hid most of him from Ryan’s accidental intrusion.

“Jack wanted me to come make sure you were alive” he said through the door, his voice breaking, sounding wildly embarrassed. Gavin felt his face flush, and he sunk further down in the water.

“Well you can tell her I am” he said, trying to force down the awful discomfort that formed in his gut at just how embarrassed Ryan was, if he’d known someone would be sent to check on him he’d have locked the door or something, and spare them both the awkward encounter.

“Okay, uh, glad to know you’re okay” he said through the door before Gavin hear him walk off quickly, and he slid fully beneath the water, his face burning.

-

When he left the security of his bathtub an hour later, after the water had started going lukewarm, he got back into clean pyjamas, and wandered out of his room in search of something to eat.

He found all three Gents sitting at the kitchen island having a chat over tea and Diet Coke, Jack grinned at him as he came in, and nodded her head towards a mug sitting on the counter by the kettle, an Earl Grey tea bag already sitting on the bottom waiting for him, he flicked the kettle on and leaned back against the kitchen counter, pulling out his phone, checking the news, and then Twitter, seeing what had been going on in the world while he’d slept.

“Security stuff all done Gavver?” Geoff asked casually, sipping at his Coke.

“Yeah, got it finished this morning, everything’s set up and good to go if you want to take a look before I transfer the main feeds to your office” he replied, and even he couldn’t miss the exhaustion in his voice that made Jack look at him with concern.

“You alright honey?” she asked gently, brows pulled together in concern.

“Yeah, just tired, it’s been a lot of late nights” he said, not truly indicating just how little he’d slept in the past week, though he knew he must’ve looked exhausted, he’d seen the bags under his eyes when he’d gotten out of the bath, he knew he looked awful.

“If you’re sure Gavin” she said sceptically, obviously not believing him in the slightest. He gave her a somewhat weak smile and shrugged one shoulder slightly, before turning to pour himself some tea.

“I’m fine Jack, don’t worry so much” he said, forcing his voice to sound less rough, less subdued, less exhausted, as he poured the hot water into his mug.

There was a long moment of silence as Gavin made his tea, his back to the gathered Gents, and as he was pouring milk into his tea he heard one of the bar stools at the island scrape back, and whoever it was that had been sitting in the seat, left the kitchen.

Gavin knew it had been Ryan before he even turned around.

He was so confused by this sudden change in Ryan ever since that party, especially after their very heartfelt conversation in the early hours of the morning, and it was making his head spin.

Jack and Geoff seemed equally confused when Gavin turned back to them and went to join them at the island, cradling his mug between his hands, suddenly feeling a chill sweep through him, and while he assumed that it was because of Ryan’s not so subtle exit, it could have been any number of things, but it was certainly Ryan leaving that made itself the most obvious cause of upset.

“Did you two get into a fight or something?” Geoff asked after Gavin sat down, genuinely confused by what had just happened. Ryan hadn’t said two words to him, but had taken off the moment he was able after Gavin had entered.

“No” he said, rubbing his hands over his face “I don’t know what’s going on Geoff” his voice, even to him, sounded almost desperate, he had no idea what it was he’d done.

“Does this have anything to do with your job last Saturday?” Jack asked gently.

“I don’t know, maybe? He got upset with me over how I dealt with our target, because I’d worried him, but I apologized, and I thought he’d accepted it, and we had a chat early this morning because neither of us could sleep, and I thought we were fine” he said, not wanting to divulge Ryan’s secrets, he sighed heavily “I dunno, but he’s been avoiding me all week” he said. Jack and Geoff shared a knowing look with each other that Gavin found odd, before either of them spoke again.

“Well he doesn’t seem _mad_ ” Geoff conceded, raising an eyebrow at him.

“In fact he seems more flustered than anything” Jack continued, her tone teasing, and Gavin frowned slightly.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying is correct” Gavin said, shaking his head in disbelief, trying to force down the hope that rose with Jack’s words.

“Well what happened after the party?” Geoff asked, raising his eyebrow.

“We drove home and went to bed” he said, confused.

“Was that it?”

“Well…” he paused “We talked a little, I apologized again, he thanked me for inviting him, and I told him I’d enjoyed having him there, and” he paused again, his cheeks flushing “I kissed his cheek” he said finally “I didn’t think it was a problem or anything” he mumbled, brows furrowed. Jack and Geoff shared another look, shaking their heads imperceptibly.

“And this morning?” Jack asked.

“Well, we were both having trouble sleeping, we talked about some shared experiences” he said, skirting the subject slightly “And I told him that he was safe here, that there was no reason for him to worry or anything” Jack nodded slightly with what he was saying.

“Anything else since then?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow at him in question.

“Well” Gavin blushed hard “He walked in on me in the bath when you sent him to check on me” he mumbled, avoiding looking at either of their faces.

Geoff burst out laughing, and Jack soon followed.

“No goddamn wonder he walked out like that!” Geoff said after a long moment of laughter, still wheezing a little between words “He’s got a fucking crush on you and he walked in on you in one of your most vulnerable moments! Of fucking course he’s embarrassed!” he said, howling with laughter. Jack managed to strangle her giggles after a long moment, though her grin remained plastered across her face.

“Sweetie I don’t think you realize just how much he likes you” she said, shaking her head “I mean could you imagine doing that to someone you felt that way about? Wouldn’t you feel embarrassed and awkward? Especially after not being totally sure of their feelings?” she asked, and Gavin considered it for a moment, not sure what to say in response, so he just sipped at his tea, thinking over what they’d both said.

“How do you feel about Ryan?” Jack asked after her previous questioned had gone unanswered too long, wholly unprepared for this level of questioning, Gavin spluttered into his tea, somewhat startled by the blunt question.

“Uh” he started, his cheeks flushing red “Well… I’m quite fond of him” he said, stuttering through the sentence, not quite sure he could put into words how much he fancied him.

“So that means a whole hell of a lot” Geoff said, rolling his eyes “What a surprise babe” he said, aiming it at Jack, who leaned over to smack at his arm playfully.

“Don’t antagonize him Geoffrey” she scolded affectionately, “He’s clearly flustered, don’t you remember what it was like to be like that” she said playfully, Geoff grinned and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, and the very thought of him and Ryan ever being like Jack and Geoff made his heart race, he wanted that for himself so badly it hurt, wanted that kind of relationship with Ryan, the kind where the other felt like coming home.

“Well, what do you suggest I do than?” Gavin asked, almost exasperated with their teasing, very aware of how red his face was.

“Why don’t you just talk to him?” Geoff said, deadpan.

“I’ve done that! I’ve talked to him quite a lot” he said defensively, because they had, and while Gavin still knew very little about Ryan’s life and past, he knew he was getting _somewhere_ , especially after their conversation early that morning.

“About your feelings idiot” Geoff shot back, rolling his eyes.

“I- Not really” he said, staring down into his tea, biting the inside of his cheek “I mean, a little bit, like I’ve told him that I like having him around, and that I’m very fond of him, and that I do care about him…”

“But did you make it clear that it wasn’t in a platonic way? I mean, we all know you’re very affectionate with all of us, you know our boundaries, and how to show your affection without pushing them, did you ever think that perhaps he just thought that you meant it platonically? You’re so sweet and careful of his very many boundaries, it’s possible he didn’t realize you felt any other way” Jack said, a little more gently than Geoff’s more prodding, direct advice. “We all know how Ryan is, he’s careful about who he allows past his borders, and he’s a little skittish about prolonged physical touch unless it’s necessary, and we all know he doesn’t like people in his room, the fact that you’ve managed to bypass all of this without upsetting him says something about how _he_ feels about _you_ , have you thought about how you can show him how _you_ feel?” she asked. Gavin knew she was right at the very least about the fact that Ryan clearly trusted him, because she was right, even though Ryan had happily assimilated into the family unit that was the Fake AH Crew quite well when he’d joined, his boundaries were stricter than others, more rigid, and more plentiful, and Gavin had slipped passed all of them without much issue.   
“I don’t know” he said, running his fingers through his hair “I’m not even sure my brain is working well enough right now to think about it, but I’m not sure _how_ to do it, I thought inviting him out might clue him in, or kissing his cheek, or letting him sleep in my bed after I got shot because he wanted to know I was alright, but I guess not” he paused, realizing how often he did those things platonically with the others, at least once a week he’d fall asleep on one of his Lads in the living room, and he often kissed Jack or Michael’s cheeks without a second thought when he was pleased or proud of them, and of course he’d gone out to jobs like that with every member of the crew at least once before.  
Why hadn’t he realized it sooner? Ryan obviously thought he was just acting how he usually would with the others, so of course he wouldn’t jump to Gavin fancying him, and it made sense that he would try to distance himself, because he didn’t think Gavin felt the same way.

“I’m a bloody idiot” he said after a long moment, putting his face in his hands.

“You’re not an idiot Gavver” Geoff said, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze “It’s not your fault that you didn’t realize you were sending off the wrong signals, because you thought what you were doing was right” he said, smiling a bit.

“How do I fix it than?” he asked, feeling completely exhausted, both from his lack of sleep and the way his mind whirled with all of these realizations.

“You need to actually talk to him about it, maybe give him a bit of time after what happened earlier, and sit down and have a conversation with him, and let him know how you really feel” Jack said, smiling a bit “The important bit is communication, honey, you need to ask him how he feels, and let him know how you feel, you can work together all you want, spend as much time together as you think you should, but if you’re going to move forward in anyway you need to speak to him.” Gavin nodded slightly, trying to take in everything she was saying, and retain all of it despite his tiredness.

“I’ll do that then” he said, yawning loudly, rubbing his hands over his face.

“You should probably sleep first” Geoff said wryly “You can’t have a serious conversation about your relationship if you can’t keep your eyes open” he said, patting him on the back, Gavin nodded slightly, sighing heavily.

“You’re probably right, I feel like shite” he said, dragging his hands through his hair.

“Go to bed, talk to him tomorrow, let him cool down after that… whole thing earlier, and get some real rest honey” Jack said gently. Gavin stood slowly, and went to set his half-finished mug of tea in the sink before dragging himself back to his room to sleep more.

He’d speak to Ryan in the morning, and things would be fine, whatever happened.

Even if Ryan ended up actually rejecting him to his face. He’d be fine because than at least he’d gotten the words out that he’d been too scared to say.

The worst thing that could possibly go wrong would be rejection, he could deal with that, probably, even if they worked together often and lived in the same place, he’d deal with it, if Ryan didn’t feel the same, than who was he to ruin Ryan’s relationship with both himself and the crew because he was rejected, because it wasn’t Ryan’s fault if he didn’t feel the same.

When he’d finally crawled back into his bed, curling up under his thick quilts, suddenly desperately wishing that he had Ryan laying next to him again, something he had longed for on and off over the past week and a half since he had been shot and Ryan had fallen asleep in his bed.

He’d speak with him in the morning. That was the best way to go about all of it, because Jack and Geoff were right, communication was key, and if Gavin was good with anything, it was words.

Words he could do. Words he’d always been able to do.

All he could do was hope they wouldn’t fail him, because lord knew he had a hard time putting how he felt about Ryan into words, no matter how good he was with them.

The important thing was that he could get the nerve to actually say anything.

He fell asleep quite quickly once he’d gotten comfortable, despite the nerves fluttering in his stomach, resolved to speak to Ryan first thing the next morning.

Gavin would just have to hope that Ryan actually did return his feelings.


	4. Cause I Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a realization of Ryan's mortality laid before him, Gavin has no idea what to do, except tell him everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to thank everyone who's stuck with me so far while I've been working on this, it's been so rare for me to find people who really love my writing, and you guys that keep coming back are really what's keeping me going, so thank you, and enjoy chapter four! This is in no way the end, so stay tuned!

Gavin’s plan to speak with Ryan in the morning backfired a little on him. His exhaustion from the past week had been so intense that he ended up sleeping for nearly twenty-four full hours, and by the time he woke up it was just after six pm the next evening. He dragged himself out of bed, rubbing his hands over his face, dragging them through his hair, he felt better, but still quite exhausted, despite how long he’d slept, and perhaps it was simply because he had been awake far too long, or perhaps it was due to his fitful sleep, broken by nightmares, anxiety, and short moments of wakefulness the were only memorable because he’d been woken by a fear deep in his gut he couldn’t remember the root of by the time he was awake enough to realize he was scared.

It took him a long time to really get going after he’d woken and pulled himself from bed, he spent absolute ages standing under the stream of hot water in his shower, trying to force some life back into his brain so that he’d be able to walk Geoff through all the new security work, and, of course, to speak with Ryan when he saw him.

Which turned out to be far later than he’d hoped.

When he finally left his room in search of food and something to drink, the penthouse was mostly quiet, absent of the near constant noise supplied by his Lads, and most of the lights were off, save the kitchen lights, and the lights in the hall that led to the living room. He made his way to the kitchen first, and found Jack and Geoff at the counter, cooking together and talking business, it sounded to Gavin like a heist plan he’d missed while he had been working on security the past week. They turned when they heard him enter, and Jack smiled at him, setting down the knife she was chopping vegetables with to give him a hug.

“Where is everyone?” he asked when she pulled away from him.

“Oh, they went out, they’re casing the area around a bank we’re looking at for our next job, they should probably be back soon” she said, smiling, Gavin nodded slightly, he’d hoped to speak to Ryan as soon as possible after he got up, but it’d have to wait he supposed.

“Don’t worry about it Gav, it’s not a big deal” Geoff said “We needed to check escape routes, and Ryan, Jeremy, and Michael volunteered to go do it. They left an hour ago or so, they’ll be back for dinner” Geoff said, reassuringly, Gavin nodded slightly again, but something in his gut told him there was something wrong. He tried to shake the feeling off, because there was nothing he could do about it for now.

“Do you guys want help with dinner?” he asked simply, knowing that he needed something to do to keep his mind off the sinking feeling in his gut.

“Sure, Gavver, Jack’s got plenty of chopping to do, grab a knife and lend a hand” Geoff said, smiling, Gavin nodded, and went to grab another cutting board and a knife to help out.

-

Just as Geoff said, the others were home for dinner.

The problem was, that they had been chased around downtown by the cops for nearly a half hour before they’d managed to ditch Jeremy’s car, and grab one of Michael’s from a safehouse after they’d managed to lose the cops.

And they hadn’t come out unscathed.

One of the passenger side windows had been blown out, and it’d cut up Michael’s face and chest pretty bad, nothing that Jack couldn’t get fixed up, but it was still frightening. At one point Jeremy had nearly smashed his head off the steering wheel, and Jack was nervous of him having a concussion, and planned to keep an eye on him.

Out of the three, Ryan seemed to be the least injured, he said that they’d taken a turn a little hard, and he’d been knocked around while hanging out a window trying to shoot the police vehicles’ wheels out, but otherwise he claimed to be fine.

But Gavin wasn’t so sure.

Ryan’s voice had been hoarse, and he seemed like he was struggling to breathe when he spoke to fast, something Jack hadn’t noticed because Michael had needed stitches on his eyebrow from a large shard of glass that had cut through it, and it was bleeding quite heavily.

But Gavin noticed, he was so attuned to Ryan, the way he moved, the way he held himself, and something seemed off when he had helped Jeremy, who was unsteady on his feet, to the couch. After that he had slunk back to his bedroom to change out of his Vagabond attire.

After assuring that both of his Lads would be okay, Jeremy was simply a little unsteady from the adrenaline of the near miss, and Michael’s cuts were mostly superficial at best, he hurried down the hall to check up on Ryan, and make sure that he was alright.

Ryan’s door was slightly ajar when Gavin approached, but he still decided to knock instead of simply walking in, not wanting to embarrass Ryan.

A moment after knocking Ryan appeared in the doorway, now free of his mask, leather jacket, and his t-shirt, and Gavin had to look determinedly up at his face to avoid getting distracted by his muscular arms, though he was still wearing his Kevlar.

“Are you alright Ryan?” he asked softly, his eyes flicking down to look him over.

“Yeah” he said, his voice almost wheezy, which made him nervous. He was about to ask Ryan if he was absolutely sure he was alright when he noticed something gleaming and silvery black sticking out of Ryan’s Kevlar. He frowned, taking a step toward him, watching as Ryan fell back slightly, but Gavin wouldn’t be deterred. He reached up slightly and grabbed the object and pulled it out.

It was a bullet.

Gavin stared down at the bullet in his hand for a moment, his breath caught in his throat, before he looked up at Ryan, knowing how frightened he must look.

“Ryan!” he said, because he had no idea what else to say to him.

“I’m fine!” he replied quickly, trying to reassure him. Quickly, he undid the vest and pulled it off “See, I’m okay, I’m jut out of breath” he said, but Gavin could already see the dark bruise forming on his sternum where the bullet had hit his vest.

“Why didn’t you say anything!” Gavin said, and he hated how panicked his voice sounded “This could be really serious!”

“I’m fine! It’s gonna bruise the bone, but I’m okay, I’m alive aren’t I?” he said defensively, and Gavin could only stare at him, trying to force back the emotion rising in his chest. He would not cry in front of Ryan, not like this. He wouldn’t do it.

“You can’t overlook injuries like this Ryan!” he said, trying to calm the panic in his voice “You should have said something to Jack, what if it’s worse than a bruise? What if it cracked the bone? You’re breathing is funny it could have done something worse than bruise!” he said and realized he hadn’t managed to calm his panic at all.

“This has happened before, it was a handgun, there was nowhere near enough force behind it to do any real damage with my vest on” Ryan said, his voice much calmer than Gavin’s “I’m okay, I promise, yeah I’m breathing weird, but it’s because of the bruise, it hurts a lot but it’s fine, I’ll be okay. Jeremy and Michael needed checking out way more than I did”

“You should still get Jack to check it and make sure you’re right, depending on how it hit you, you could have internal damage” Gavin insisted, and he watched Ryan’s face soften, he closed his eyes, and sighed heavily.

“I will, just in a little bit, Michael needed stitches, I can wait” he said.

“Michael’s stitches are done, the cut in his forehead only needed four, go talk to Jack” Gavin said firmly, his hands on his hips, his heart raced as he spoke, though he did manage to force the distress out of his voice this time.

He was being faced with Ryan’s mortality and he was terrified.

If he hadn’t had the Kevlar vest on he would have died.

Where that bullet had hit, right in the middle of his chest, if he hadn’t been wearing his vest it would have ripped his chest open. It wasn’t a particularly large calibre gun, looking at the bullet lying in his hand he assumed it was probably a .22, and it was quite a far shot, but still, with enough velocity it could have ripped his chest apart.

The idea of that happening to him made him woozy, it made his stomach roll with nerves, and he had to brace himself by putting his hand heavily on Ryan’s desk and trying to hold himself up. Ryan looked at him with concern as he did this, stepping towards him, one hand out as if to grab him and hold him up. Gavin took a deep breath, trying to center himself and force his heart to slow down, he felt light headed. When he looked back at Ryan he could clearly see the bruise already forming across his chest, radiating out at least three or four inches outside of the impact zone, darkest at the center. He swallowed hard, steadied himself, and took a step towards Ryan. Tentatively he reached a hand up, lightly brushing his fingers across the bruise, his brows furrowed.

“It burned you” he said simply, his fingers sliding over a blistered, reddened patch about an inch below where the bullet had hit, burned from the gunpowder perhaps, or maybe the way the bullet had struck him, he didn’t know, he didn’t have medical training like Jack did, and he pulled his hand away quickly when Ryan flinched, letting out a quiet grunt of discomfort.

“I’m going to go get Jack” he said quickly, chewing on his lip “You just sit down, I’ll be right back” he said, and walked out faster than he’d meant to, he was so anxious to make sure that Ryan was okay, he couldn’t make himself move at a normal pace.

He found Jack in the living room, clearing away her supplies and the extra bits of suture thread, clearly having checked gotten Michael cleaned up, and made sure Jeremy wasn’t concussed.

When she saw the fear on Gavin’s face she immediately frowned and moved towards him quickly.

“What’s wrong Gavin?” she asked gently, gentle brown eyes searching over his likely extremely pale face.

“Ryan got shot” he said, swallowing hard, and Jack’s eyes widened, and before he could say anything else she was off down the hall, he followed after her quickly, still worrying at his lip. There was something about Ryan’s refusal to get checked out that upset him.

“Why didn’t you say something Ryan?” he could hear Jack’s voice coming from the open door, not scolding, just concerned, he paused in the doorway, watching as Jack prodded practiced fingers across the bruising on his chest, looking for fractures or breaks in the bones beneath, frowning as she did so.

“I’m fine Jack, I told you” Ryan said, an exasperation in his voice that he hadn’t had when Gavin had pestered him about it.

“Ryan you got shot. Yes, you were wearing a vest, yes, you’ve had that happen before, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to get checked over” she said, the worry in her voice harsh in the face of Ryan’s dismissal “If this had hit any lower you could have broken a rib!” she said, hands on hips “You’re lucky nothing broke! As it is it’s a bad bruise and you’ve got a friction burn from _another_ bullet skipping off your armor!” she let out a long breath, and slowly Gavin stepped into the room. “You can’t let protecting the others do this to you” she said gently.

“Putting everyone else first isn’t helping Ryan” Gavin said softly, and they both turned to look at him, the hard look that had settled itself into Ryan’s eyes as Jack had been speaking smoothed slightly at the sight of him.

“He’s right” Jack agreed, looking back at Ryan “We know you want to make sure we’re okay, and that you want to protect us when we’re out working, but you can’t let that overshadow you needing help, what if you’d broken a rib and you didn’t tell anyone? It could have stayed floating and punctured your lung, or hurt you even more” she said, rubbing her hands over her face.

“It’s my job to protect you guys”

“Michael and Jeremy can take care of themselves” Gavin argued “Sure, they may need backup but they don’t need protecting, and they’d be _livid_ to know that you tried to hide getting shot on their behalf” he said, biting at the inside of his cheek. Ryan sighed heavily and shook his head.

“But Michael-“ he started, but Jack cut him off.

“No But Michael.” She said firmly “Michael is fine, the cuts were mostly superficial at best, you could have broken a bone, and if Gavin hadn’t told me it could have been much worse” she said, sighing loudly “Now I’m going to stick a bandage on that burn, and I’ll get you some ice to keep the swelling down, and you need to be way more careful in the future” she said, reaching into her bag for one of her cotton bandages and some dermal tape. Gavin slipped out of the room as she was doing so to get an ice pack.

He felt almost nauseous at the very idea that Ryan valued himself and his place in the crew so little that he wouldn’t even tell them he’d been hurt.

In the kitchen he pulled one of their many ice packs out of the freezer, deep in thought, and grabbed a dishtowel to wrap it up in to keep the temperature of the ice pack from hurting his skin, and went back to his room.

He’d have to wait a little longer to speak with him about everything, what was important was that Ryan was okay, he’d deal with everything else later.

-

Gavin had completely screwed himself. Sleeping as long as he had, and so late into the evening had made it impossible for him to fall asleep again after everyone else had gone to bed hours later, so he found himself curled up on the couch in the empty living room, watching crap late night telly, and scrolling through Twitter on his phone. He was bored with no one else to keep him company, and he felt quite isolated after having rarely spoken to anyone for nearly a week. He was far too socially minded to go this long without his usual day to day interactions with the others, and it was beginning to drive him a little mad.

It was nearly two am, and he was considering downing some cold medication just to be able to fall asleep when he heard footsteps behind him in the hallway leading to the living room. His head whipped up and around, staring towards the darkened hallway where the few lamps he’d put on didn’t quite reach.

After a moment he saw Ryan’s face illuminated in the soft glow of the lamplight, and Gavin couldn’t help but frown in confusion as he watched him.

He was in his pyjamas, a pair of old, worn, red flannel pyjama bottoms and a soft looking white cotton long sleeve, his hair was piled on the crown of his head in a bun that was messy from sleeping, and he looked exhausted.

“Can’t sleep?” Gavin asked as Ryan approached, settling back into his comfortable spot in the corner of the couch.

“Nope, my chest hurts too much” he said, shrugging slightly as he came around the side of the couch and dropped himself down a little closer to him than Gavin had expected. “What about you?” he asked as he pulled his long legs up onto the couch, sitting with them curled towards his chest.

“I’ve wrecked my sleep schedule” he said simply, shrugging, “I slept too long after I finished my work, and now I’m not sure if I can fall asleep anymore.”

“Are you okay Gavin?” Ryan asked suddenly, a concerned look in his eyes that almost startled him.

“I – yeah, I’m fine” he said, almost automatically, he wasn’t quite so sure he was being fully truthful on that though, once it was out of his mouth.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked, leaning in a little closer, searching his face.

“Yeah, I am, it was just a very long week, and there was a lot that I needed to get done, so I wasn’t sleeping much” he said, which wasn’t necessarily a lie, and while he knew he sounded convincing Ryan still didn’t seem to buy it.

“There’s something on your mind though, isn’t there” he said, and it wasn’t a question. Gavin stayed quiet for a moment, not really sure how to respond.

“I suppose” he said evasively, biting at the inside of his cheek.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ryan asked, his voice soft, and Gavin was almost surprised by how gentle his tone was.

“I’m not exactly sure where to start” he said, picking at a loose thread on his pyjama bottoms, not sure what to say.

“Try starting at the beginning?” Ryan offered, smiling a bit.

Gavin rubbed his hands over his face, running his fingers through his hair, not sure what to say or do in this situation.

He was hoping he’d have more time to plan when he spoke with Ryan.

“Well…” he started, chewing on his lip “It kind of has to do with you” he said, eyes flicking up at Ryan and then away, not quite sure how to continue.

“How so?” Ryan asked, frowning a bit “If this is about that job and you getting hurt than I -”

“It’s not that!” Gavin said quickly, reaching out and laying his fingers gently on Ryan’s forearm “It’s not your fault at all… or – that is, not anything you’ve done wrong, it’s me, and my own shit” he said, ruffling his own hair.

“I’m not sure I understand” Ryan said, brows knit together in confusion.

“Because I’m not explaining it well” Gavin said, huffing out a harsh laugh “It’s not anything that you’ve done Ryan, nothing at the very least that you’ve done wrong” he sighed heavily, shaking his head “See, Ryan, honestly I think you’re brilliant, and I really enjoy spending time with you, and talking to you, and it’s been… hard this past week while you were ignoring me, and I’ve kind of been forced to think over some things for myself that I had been ignoring because I felt awful when you stopped talking to me after the party, and I just…” he sighed heavily, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes “I really like you, Ryan, and I just wasn’t sure how to say that” he said finally.

“I…I really like you too” Ryan replied, sounding uncertain.

“No, you don’t understand” Gavin said quickly, biting his lip “I _fancy_ you Ryan, quite a lot actually, and it’s alright if you don’t feel the same, but I just needed to say that” he said, avoiding his eyes, not sure what else to say.

There was a long silence after he spoke, his words hanging heavy in the air, wondering if he’d said something wrong.

And then there were warm fingers, calloused from years of trigger pulling, nails bitten to the quick and knuckles scarred, tipping his chin up, making him look into Ryan’s face. He looked almost angelic in the warm lamplight of the room, casting his features with a soft yellowish glow that brought out the gold flecks in his green eye, and seemed to deepen the shade of the blue, both of which were wide and open as Gavin looked at him finally.

“I don’t think _you_ understand, Gavin” he said, his voice soft, his lovely mismatched eyes locking into Gavin’s own, holding his gaze and fascinating him with the look of open devotion in them. “I _really_ like you too Gavin” he said, his thumb gently stroking over Gavin’s chin, and he could feel his cheeks get hot as his face flushed “You know I’m not exactly the best with words, but I do really like you, and I had no idea how to talk to you about it, and after the party I was…” he paused, looking for the right words “I was scared” he said, and the vulnerability in his face made Gavin’s heart melt. Slowly, Ryan’s hand moved up, cupping the bottom of his chin, and Gavin had never fully realized how large his hands were. “Being attached to people has never ended well for me… And I didn’t want to lose you”

Gavin didn’t know what to say, all of the was going far better than he could have expected, given that Ryan had stopped speaking to him over this.

“But this past week you’ve been avoiding me” he said slowly, confused.

“I was trying to distance myself” he replied simply, his thumb still gently stroking along Gavin’s jaw “I know the way you are with everyone, and I was scared to find out that I was just a friend, especially after that dinner, and the way you kissed my cheek, and I was scared to lose the possibility of… _this_ ” he said, gesturing back and forth between them slightly with his other hand.

“I thought you were mad at me” Gavin said quietly, and he couldn’t mistake the anxiety in his own voice “I thought I’d done something at the party, or when we talked after, and you were mad at me for it, and I had no idea what to do” he said, chewing on his lip again, not wanting to look away from Ryan’s searching eyes. Gently, Ryan placed his thumb just below his lip and slowly pulled it out from where he it was trapped between his teeth.

“I’m sorry” he said, finally breaking their stare, rubbing his hand over his face and through his hair, unthinkingly getting it caught in his mussed bun for a moment “If I had known you felt the same I’d have said something” his voice was almost tense, and Gavin could understand completely the anxiety that had come with the confusing placement of his feelings, slowly, he leaned in, scooting himself a little closer to Ryan, leaning down to press his face into his shoulder.

“We’re idiots” he said into Ryan’s shirt, and Ryan laughed loudly, placing a large, gentle hand in Gavin’s hair, and the pure intimacy of the moment made his stomach flip.

“Is that why you disappeared into your work all week?” Ryan asked softly, his lips brushing Gavin’s hair, his face closer than Gavin had assumed.

“Yes” he mumbled, biting at his cheek “I…I didn’t know what else to do, I was upset that you had stopped talking to me, and I thought work might help…” he pulled back to look up at Ryan’s face, his hand still gently twisted in his hair. The vulnerability in Ryan’s face made fresh butterflies burst in his stomach, after all this time, the very _idea_ of Ryan being so open with him felt warm, it felt like a comfort instead of the perceived vindication he had thought would come with Ryan opening up to him.

“I – I’m sorry” he said softly, his brows pulling together, and this close to his face he could see the small scars and marks on his skin, the shallow laugh lines around his eyes, the light dusting of freckles peppered over just his right cheekbone and temple, a small scar cutting through the top of his left eyebrow, and a similar one across the bridge of his nose. It was mesmerizing in a way he’d never imagined.

“You don’t need to be sorry” he said softly, trying to commit the small details of Ryan’s face to memory “You weren’t the only one who could have said something” he reached up, gently cupping his cheek in his hand, Ryan’s hand followed his slowly, and pressed his palm to the back of Gavin’s hand, engulfing Gavin’s much slimmer, smaller hand with his own.

They sat there like that in silence for several long moments, holding each others’ gazes before either of them spoke again.

“I’m kind of glad I couldn’t seem to fall asleep” Gavin said softly, punctuating his point with a long yawn, Ryan let out a quiet chuckle, reaching out to gently push his hair out of his face.

“I am too” he said, a small, nervous smile tugging at the corners of his lips. There was a part of him that wanted him to lean in, to press his lips to Ryan’s, kiss him until he was breathless, but there was another part of him that felt that, perhaps, Ryan might not be quite ready for that, maybe it was the nerves in his smile, or his fear of vulnerability, and that held him back.

He didn’t want to ruin whatever it was they were starting.

So instead he pushed himself up slightly on his knees and kissed his cheek softly, before settling back down, and leaning into him, resting his head on his shoulder, being careful of where he leaned, trying not to aggravate the extensive bruising to his chest and cause him anymore pain.

Slowly, almost in confusion, Ryan wrapped his arm around Gavin’s waist, pulling him closer. Gavin closed his eyes and settled his body against Ryan’s side, letting his eyelids drop closed, just taking in the feeling of Ryan’s warm arm, strong and comforting, wrapped around him, his own weight pressing comfortably against him, in a way that Ryan seemed to find comforting as he let out a soft sigh, settling further into the couch.

It didn’t take long at all before Gavin fell asleep, curling himself as close as he could into Ryan’s warmth, practically melting into his side, his face pressed into Ryan’s neck.

It was absolute bliss.

-

When he woke up much later that morning, the sun falling across his face, he couldn’t quite believe it hadn’t all been a dream.

But it hadn’t been. He was curled up practically on top of Ryan, who lay stretched out across the couch, Gavin mostly on top of him, his head leaning against his shoulder. Ryan snored softly beneath him, his arms wrapped tightly around Gavin’s waist, holding him as close to himself as was physically possible, and unable to move from Ryan’s tight grip, something he felt quite comforting, he settled more comfortably against, pressing his face against his neck, trying to commit the moment to memory.

Ryan smelled like gun oil, warm leather and, somewhat fainter, cedar, and the smell of fresh air was still just barely trapped in his hair where pieces had come loose from his bun to curl around the base of his neck.

Gavin would have done anything in that moment to stay there forever, freeze that moment in time and live in it for the rest of his life. He had never felt safer than he did right then, Ryan’s arms tight around him, listening to his breath rush in and out of his lungs where his head lay against his chest, his heartbeat steady under Gavin’s ear.

He lay there in the silence of the living room for a long time, unmoving in Ryan’s arms, until he heard footsteps coming down the hall. It was too early to be Michael or Jeremy just yet, though both tended to be early risers, they were never the first up for the day, and the soft patter of feet that sounded like the shuffling of slippers told him it was likely Jack, she was the only person in the house who ever wore slippers, her favorites were a pair of baby pink bunny ones Geoff had gotten her for Christmas one year as a joke, and she’d loved them.

The shuffling feet turned left at the edge of the hall and made their way into the kitchen, Gavin heard the water come on, filling the kettle, he assumed from the sound of water hitting metal, before the water was turned off and the kettle set on the stove top to boil.

After a few minutes the kettle started whistling loudly, and Ryan jolted slightly, his eyes flying open, clearly startled by the loud whistle. Gently, Gavin pressed closer to him, pressing a soft kiss to his chin, trying to softly reassure him that it was okay, that he was safe. After a moment, Ryan let out of long breath, his eyes squeezing closed, before he turned his face, pressing it into Gavin’s hair, breathing deeply to calm himself.

The footsteps slowly made their way towards the living room, and Gavin’s suspicions were confirmed when Jack let out a loud, long yawn on her way towards them.

As she rounded the couch and caught sight of them a grin split across her face, though he could see in her eyes that she was still quite tired, the smile on her face erased any other signs of sleep from her face.

“Well, good morning boys” she said, her voice tired but full of barely contained laughter “You know that you have bedrooms you could sleep in right? I know our couch is comfortable, but really” she said, a note of teasing in her voice as she scolded them. Ryan pushed himself up slightly on his elbows, his face had gone quite pink from Jack’s teasing, and Gavin couldn’t help but smile at how sweet he looked from being caught off guard.

“It was an accident” he spluttered, clearly unsure of how to react, and Jack started laughing, shaking her head.

“Don’t worry about it Ryan” she said when her laughter died down “I’m only kidding, I’m glad you guys had the chance to talk” she grinned, sitting down on the opposite end of their L-shaped couch, grinning “I’m also glad that I was right, because Michael owes me a grand” she said, and to Gavin’s surprise, Ryan started laughing, his chest shaking beneath Gavin. He laughed so hard that he started coughing when his laughter irritated his chest bruises too much.

“Would you mind holding off on cashing that in for a little bit?” Gavin asked, almost insulted somehow that his Boi had lost the bet “Obviously we’ll corroborate that you’re right, but I think Ryan and I need to have a proper talk first, before everyone knows…” he said slowly, and he could feel Ryan nod slightly behind him.

“My lips are sealed honey” she said, miming locking her lips, grinning at them “But I should warn you, Geoff’s in the shower, so if you want to keep things quiet, you’ll want to separate quickly, because he’ll be out shortly” she said knowingly. Reluctantly Gavin slid off of Ryan and got to his feet. Ryan resettled himself on the couch, fixing his disheveled bun. He gave Gavin a small, nervous smile, catching his hand quickly and giving it a tight squeeze before letting go.

“I’m gonna get some coffee, did you put the coffee pot on?” Gavin asked, turning to Jack, she gave him a quick nod, grinning.

“I did, it should be all ready to go, you know how Geoff is when there’s no coffee in the morning” she said fondly, and Gavin and Ryan both laughed, knowing just how annoyed he could get without his first cup of coffee.

“You want any, love?” he asked, looking down to Ryan, who smiled wider at the endearment, but shook his head.

“I’m okay, but thank you” he said, before standing quickly “I’m gonna grab a shower” he said, before heading back to his own room. When he was out of earshot and Gavin was moving towards the kitchen, Jack spoke again.  
“You be careful, okay hun?” she said, her voice soft “You two have been though a whole lot, and I think you’ll be good together, but you both need to take good care of each other for this to work” she said, and Gavin knew she meant every word.

“I plan to do everything I can to do that” he replied, determined to make good on his word, and Jack smiled brightly.

“Good, because you both deserve the best, and I think you’re it for him, and him for you” she said simply, sipping at her tea, and Gavin knew she had said all she felt she needed. He headed back towards the kitchen, thinking over their late night conversation, and resolved to take Ryan out on a proper date the moment he got the chance.

There was so much he had yet to learn about Ryan, and so much he wanted to tell him about himself, and while their conversation the night before had been a good start, they needed to have a full conversation about everything, including their boundaries.

Gavin absolutely refused to cock it up. And to prevent that, he needed to know exactly where Ryan stood on everything.

And he still wanted to learn everything it was possible to know about his lovely Ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone picked up on my title origins yet? With this one I sure hope so, I'm having a lot of fun fitting these title choices to the chapters


	5. All At Once This Is Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some tech talk, a flustered, vulnerable Gavin, and a Ryan willing to have him exactly as he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY THESE TWO GO ON A REAL DATE
> 
> Lmao have fun, it's a nice date, and uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh some Golden Boy and Vagabond humanization

Gavin didn’t get another moment alone with Ryan for most of the day. Shortly after Geoff had emerged from his shower, Michael and Jeremy had dragged themselves out of their rooms and into the kitchen for coffee and breakfast. Ryan had been the last to join them after his shower, giving Gavin a somewhat nervous smile when he entered the kitchen, before he asked Michael and Jeremy if they were alright after the previous day’s car chase.

“My head hurts, but not too bad” Jeremy had said simply, shrugging slightly in reply “My own fault really, shit happens” he said.

“I’m just pissed that we gotta replace that window before we can use your car again Lil J, it’s your only non-Rimmy vehicle, and now it’s too noticeable without even being Rimmy” Michael said, irritation clear in his voice.

“How are you Ry?” Jeremy asked, sounding concerned. Ryan shrugged slightly with one shoulder, leaning against the counter.

“Bruised but no worse for wear” he said simply, and there was part of Gavin that wanted to be upset with him for downplaying his injuries, but he wasn’t really lying, he supposed it was the protective streak in him that felt that way, and decided to leave well enough alone, he didn’t see the use in causing a scene over it.

He sipped at his coffee, listening to the conversations going on around him, the decision to remove the bank Michael, Jeremy, and Ryan had checked out on a No Go list, plans to check out a different one later on in the week, and other general business talk as Geoff fried up bacon and eggs.

When Geoff plated everything up, and brought breakfast to the table, Gavin had mostly zoned out, trying to figure out a way to approach Ryan to have a proper talk with him as soon as possible. Geoff waved a hand in front of his face and called his name, giving him a concerned look when he shook himself back into reality.

“Sorry, what was that?” he asked, confused.

“Just wondering if you’d be up for a party job next week buddy” Geoff said, his brows still creased in concern “If you don’t think you’re up for it it’s okay, Jack and I can go” he said quickly, Gavin jolted slightly at the suggestion that he wouldn’t be able to carry out a job.

“No, I’m fine, I’d be happy to do it” he said quickly, trying to reassure him. Geoff nodded slightly, giving him a sceptical look.

“Okay… Just, just let me know who you’re taking as backup so we can get it all set up” he said, patting Gavin’s arm lightly “And don’t push yourself too hard” he said, softening his voice so the others didn’t hear. Gavin nodded slightly, smiling somewhat awkwardly.

“Yeah, will do” he said, Geoff nodded and squeezed his shoulder before taking his own seat to eat. Gavin looked down at his food, took a deep breath, and made himself eat. He wasn’t particularly hungry, and he wasn’t sure if it was simply the sleep deprivation reeking havoc on his body, or if the anxiety of asking Ryan out on a real date was simply getting to him, but he managed to force himself to eat most of what Geoff had made, and thank him for making breakfast, before he retreated back to his room.

He was flustered and nervous, pacing up and down his room, raking his fingers through his hair. He knew it’d be best to take things slow, that a relationship with someone who really truly gave a shit was new to both of them, and he’d need to be careful how he acted so as to not cock it all up.

But all he had wanted at breakfast when Ryan had come back was to hold his hand, grab him and keep him close, because he felt so safe with Ryan’s hand in his, the warmth of his body just behind him, keeping watch.

Eventually, after pacing and mentally berating himself for acting so absurd, he collapsed onto his bed, putting a pillow over his face, not at all sure what to do.

He remained there, sprawled across his bed with one of his many pillows pressed over the upper half of his face before he was startled out of the position by a knock on his door. He sat up quickly, not wanting to be caught so frustrated with himself by any of the others, before he replied to the knock.

“Come on in” he called, frowning when his voice wavered slightly.

A second later his door cracked open and Ryan poked his head in, looking concerned.

“Are you alright Gavin?” he asked, slipping into his room, shutting his door softly behind himself. Gavin shrugged slightly, biting the inside of his cheek.

“It’s… hard to hide this from them” he said simply.

“We don’t have to” Ryan said gently, moving towards him.

“I know we don’t _have_ to” Gavin said quickly “But we agreed to take some time to ourselves, and talk about this and what we want, and I don’t want to say anything before we’ve done that” he said, worrying at his lip “It’s important to me that you know I’m serious” Ryan stepped towards him, coming around the side of the bed to sit next to him.

“I know you’re serious about this Gav” he said, reaching out to brush his hair out of his eyes “If you weren’t you wouldn’t have suggested waiting in the first place” he said, gently brushing his thumb over Gavin’s temple, trying to reassure him.

“I just don’t want to mess this all up” he said softly, leaning into his hand. Ryan smiled at him, and brought his face close to Gavin’s, pressing their foreheads together and looking down into his eyes with his lovely mismatched set.

“You won’t” he said gently “The fact that you’re so worried about messing it up tells me you won’t if you can possibly help it” his breath ghosted softly over Gavin’s skin as he spoke, warm and comforting where it brushed across his cheek.

“I’ve just never felt like this before, I don’t want to get selfish and ruin this” he said softly, looking up at Ryan through his lashes.

“How would you even get selfish?” he asked softly, smiling a little teasingly “You’re the least selfish person I know” he pulled back slightly, and kissed his forehead softly “How is it possible for you to be selfish when you’ve told me you’re ready to give up everything for me”

“I just want you to myself” he replied “I could get lost with you and not even give a shit about who came looking, because all I want is you to myself”

“Well, you’ve already got me” Ryan replied, grinning at him.

“Have I really?” He asked, his voice teasing.

“You do” Ryan confirmed, smiling broadly at him.

“Than if I’ve already got you, how would you feel about dinner with me tomorrow night?” he asked, smiling.

“Why wait until tomorrow” Ryan countered, grinning down at him. Gavin flushed slightly, somewhat embarrassed that he hadn’t even thought to ask him out for that night.

“Well… I just thought… Might be hard to get in somewhere nice” he said somewhat awkwardly, biting his lip. Ryan smiled, brushing his fingers gently across his flushed cheeks.

“Did you forget that we have a standing reservation at that Italian place you like?” and of course Ryan was right, they had a special table reserved using one of Ryan’s innumerable aliases, it was easiest to use his fake names considering he actually hid his face on most public jobs.

“I… I did” Gavin said, his face flushing darker still.

“So, any argument against dinner tonight?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at him, smirking slightly.

“No, I’m good for tonight, I just need to send the new security feeds into Geoff’s office and walk him through the camera placements, it shouldn’t take long, maybe an hour at most, and I can go find him right now” he said, going over how long it’d take to transfer the main feeds into Geoff’s office, and then explain to Geoff where everything was, and how to switch to larger screens of a specific camera if necessary, there was plenty that needed to be done for it, but it shouldn’t really need to take more than an hour or so.

“Don’t overthink it baby” Ryan said, cupping his chin and gently running his thumb across Gavin’s bottom lip “Just say yes”

“Yeah, I’m good for tonight” He said, feeling increasingly flustered.

“Be ready for seven?” Ryan offered, grinning.

“I will be” he smiled back, looking up at Ryan through his lashes “But I’m driving this time” he said, grinning wide, Ryan groaned playfully, falling back onto Gavin’s mattress.

“Fine, but we take a nice care” Ryan countered, laughing.

“Deal” Gavin replied, and he honestly didn’t think he could ever get enough of this man, no matter how hard, or how long he tried, it would be impossible.

-

Ryan left his room a little while later, after having assured that Gavin was alright, and left him to teach Geoff how the new security worked, and Geoff joined him shortly thereafter, leaning over Gavin’s shoulder to get a look at the new setup.

“We’ve got alarm trigger on all the openable windows now that can only be enabled and disabled by my fingerprint, yours, or the code FAHC, there’s a panel for it set up by the front door into the penthouse, the balcony doors, and the roof doors, which I’ve patched into the windows’ alarms as well, and is set up the same way” he explained, pointing to a small rectangle on the wall just next the front door “There’s another panel like that in the stairwell just before the door out to the roof that’s on the same system for the occasion where we need to get in from up there” he said, he glanced up at Geoff, who was nodding along, listening intently, following Gavin’s movements.

“Okay, got it” he said, signaling for Gavin to continue “Where are the new cameras at?” he asked, and Gavin started explaining where they were placed; one posted outside each crew members’ bedroom doors, as well as the doors to the library, and Geoff’s office, all of which were new, he had updated the cameras on each of the entrances, the two sets of balcony doors, the front door, and the door to the roof, as well as a few others posted here and there around main living areas, one nestled in behind a fake brick in the living room, and one sitting atop the refrigerator in the kitchen. They had eyes on anything and everything they could possibly need to have eyes on.

“This sure was a big project Gavver” Geoff said appreciatively, searching over the cameras “So every window and all possible entrances are alarmed?” he asked, clearly just for a quick clarification.

“Yep, only the doors were wired in before, which was good, but we’ve got a lot of windows, so I thought it best to wire them into the system as well, that’s what took the most time honestly, because I had to coax everyone into letting me do their windows” he said, smiling, Geoff laughed, shaking his head.

“That would be quite a fuckin task in this house” he said, grinning.

“Alright, so that’s pretty much everything, you can zoom in on cameras by clicking one specifically, so if you see suspicious movement don’t be shy to zoom in, and you zoom back out the same way.” He said, demonstrating the function “Everything make sense?”  
“Enough that I can use the damn thing” Geoff said, smiling.

“Alright, then I’ll get the feed sent over to your office” Gavin said, feeling quite proud of himself, Geoff patted his shoulder and grinned at him.

“I appreciate the work you put into this Gavver” Geoff said happily.

“I’m glad to help” he said, smiling.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it then, let me know when it’s all set up” Geoff said, moving towards his door.

“Will do” he said, turning back to his screen, to get everything done to transfer the feeds over to Geoff’s office.

He spent more time than he had anticipated getting things sent over, because Geoff’s computer had a backlog of updates that needed to be done before the feeds could be moved over, simply because Geoff had forgotten to do the updates, and then once they were moved over he had to adjust everything to work better on Geoff’s computer as opposed to his own, and by the time everything was all set up it was considerably later than Gavin had expected. By the time he had gone back to his room and checked the time it was nearly five o’clock, and he was quite startled to learn just how much later it was then he’d expected, and he only had around two hours until he needed to be ready for dinner with Ryan.

He hopped into the shower the second he could, letting his tense shoulders relax beneath the hot water, losing himself in his thoughts and the steam, his mind flying through half a hundred possibilities for the evening before he could even wash his hair. After spending far too long in the shower he got out, walking back into his bedroom to get dressed and do his hair, settling himself at his vanity table in a pair of briefs and an undershirt, sitting down to blow dry his hair before he styled it.

A half hour later, with hair as perfectly styled as he could get it, having finally given up on forcing it into the exact style he’d been hoping for, and with an hour left to get ready, he got out of his chair, and moved to his closet, shifting through the items hung up inside. He felt absurdly fussy as he picked through his clothing, this was too formal, that too casual, that top no longer fit him quite right, etc etc. Eventually, he settled on a soft, dark blue cotton button-up, with a charcoal grey sweater over top, and dark wash jeans. He couldn’t have said he was 100% happy with everything he had put together, but even he could admit that, despite his nerves, he looked quite good.

All said and done he had less than fifteen minutes left before he and Ryan were to leave, so he sat down heavily on his bed, rubbed his hands over his face, and wondered vaguely if perhaps he should have shaved, though he no longer had the time to do so, and instead simply pulled out his phone to mess around on before he left his room to meet Ryan, trying to calm the nerves rising in his stomach. He was really quite excited to go out on a proper date with Ryan, but at the same time, he was so scared of ballsing it all up that he felt like he was unable to relax.

Just before seven he stood from his bed, shoved his phone and wallet into his pockets, and left his room, going to meet Ryan at the front door.

There was still a few minutes left before he and Ryan had agreed to leave, so he wasn’t worried when he got to the door and Ryan hadn’t left his room yet, and leaned against the wall to wait for him.

A moment later, Ryan appeared, fussing with his hair, which he’d left loose, Gavin was caught somewhat off guard by this, Ryan never wore his hair down, it was always either pulled back in a ponytail at his nape, piled on top of his head in a bun, or, occasionally, Jack might convince him to let her French braid it, but he never wore it down.

His long blond hair framed his round face in a way that made him look younger than Gavin would have expected, and, with it down, he could see a few spots of black dye that had been missed when it had grown out enough that Ryan had felt comfortable to cut the dyed ends off several months before. He seemed nervous to have it down, clearly stepping outside his comfort zone, by the way he kept pushing it behind his ear and out of his face.

Gavin was suddenly struck by the vulnerability of the situation, Ryan was willingly putting himself into a situation that clearly made him feel vulnerable just to communicate to Gavin how invested he was in this.

“You look lovely” Gavin said softly, finally looking away from Ryan’s soft hair, and down to his clothes, Ryan had gone for black on black, a black button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows tucked into black jeans, all at once it was a completely Ryan outfit without really being him at all, and he looked absolutely gorgeous.

He seemed startled for a moment at the compliment, but quickly recovered, smiling at him a bit uncertainly.

“Thanks” he said slowly, tucking his hair behind his ear again “So do you” he said, and Gavin beamed him.

“Shall we go?” he asked, nodding towards the door, Ryan smiled and nodded, and they walked out into the hallway, shutting the door softly behind them, before Gavin reached out and took his hand gently as they stepped into the elevator and made their way down the ten stories to the parking garage. Once in the elevator Gavin turned to him, smiling, and reached up to gently run his fingers over one of the still-black pieces in his ends.

“Why did you start dying it black anyway?” he asked softly, and Ryan seemed caught off guard by the question “I mean, you really seemed to hate it by the time you cut the black out, why do it in the first place?”

Ryan considered this for a moment, mulling the question over before he answered.

“I was trying to divorce myself from the Vagabond” he said after a long moment of consideration “I was trying to keep a part of myself just for myself, dying my hair was a way to have control I guess, it was my choice to dye my hair, and to grow it out, my hair was the only thing that felt like it was mine when I worked alone” he said, glancing down at Gavin, smiling somewhat sadly “When I joined up with you guys I didn’t need to anymore, because I could be myself, and not just the Vagabond, I was Ryan first, and the Vagabond second, for the first time in a long time, so the black hair didn’t feel necessary anymore” the explanation was simple, but it made Gavin’s heart want to burst. Ryan felt more himself with them than he ever had, and that meant so much to Gavin.

“I pierced my nose for a similar reason” he said a little shyly, hoping that perhaps reciprocating with a story of his own might convey to Ryan how much that admittance really meant to him.

“Yeah?” Ryan asked, clearly wanting him to continue.

“My parents were… extremely strict, and not particularly involved in my life. When I came out they made it their business to hide who I was for their appearances, and tried to force me to stay quiet. So I did the next best thing to open sexual rebellion and got piercings, it started small by getting my ears done, and then within couple months I’d gotten five or six piercings in my ears, and decided I wanted more, so I went and got my nose done” he said, he could remember how nervous he’d been, how he’d had to get Dan to talk him in and out of it at least three times before he did it. “It was the best thing I could think to do, and besides that I love it, but back then I got them to feel more myself when I couldn’t be, which is quite different in and of itself, huh?” he said, feeling a little bashful, he had never told any of the others, save Michael, the reasons for all the piercings he’d had done while he was still in England, he’d only gotten one since he’d been in the states, and it wasn’t one that was visible most of the time, he’d gotten his navel done a few months after Michael had joined on, they thought it might be fun to do something together, Michael had gotten his helix done, and Gavin his navel. Michael only wore his occasionally now, but the memory was still a good one.

“It’s still a similar reason, maybe not the same, but we were both doing something to save ourselves some pain” Ryan said, squeezing his hand in reassurance “I’m sorry you had to deal with that” he said softly, giving Gavin a meaningful smile.

“It could have worse” Gavin said noncommittally, shrugging slightly with one shoulder “I know it could have been, they left me alone for the most part, beyond that” he said, thinking back to what Ryan had told him about his own past.

“Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean it wasn’t awful” Ryan said gently as they reached the garage, and the elevator doors slid open. They stepped out together, holding hands, and Gavin led him towards one of his cars.

“I just know that I could have had a far worse childhood, I was well off, I pretty much always got what I wanted, and my parents never hit me, so I could have had it much worse” he said, shrugging dismissively, his parents were quite wealthy, and he’d never wanted for anything growing up, he was very aware that his circumstances could have been far worse than they were.

“Just because they had the money to keep you alive doesn’t mean they weren’t fucking assholes” Ryan said fiercely, and when Gavin looked up into his face he could see fire in his mismatched eyes “Being well off enough to afford a kid is no excuse to treat that kid like a fucking bad dog” Gavin wasn’t sure how to reply, and just blinked up at him in confusion.  
“I’m fine with it now” he said after a long moment of silence “I haven’t seen them in a long time, and I’ve come to terms with my childhood, and it could have been a worse one, I had Dan and his mum, and they’re wonderful, I couldn’t imagine not having had Dan growing up” he said thoughtfully, shrugging a bit. Ryan remained silent, and Gavin thought he may have upset him already. He bit at his lip, and tried to pull his hand out of Ryan’s, hoping he could perhaps save the moment if he could withdraw somewhat, but Ryan held fast, tightening his fingers in Gavin’s, and pulled him slightly closer as they walked. Gavin was somewhat caught off guard, so used to people rejecting his oversharing that his automatic response was to pull away after doing so.

Still chewing on his lip he pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his car as they approached it, he opened the passenger door for Ryan, letting him get in first, before going around to the driver’s side.

“You’ll want to push the chair back” he said somewhat apologetically “I think Jack was the last person to ride shotgun” he watched Ryan reach down to adjust the seat, drumming his fingers somewhat nervously on the wheel, he felt quite nervous now, more nervous than he’d expected. Once Ryan had adjusted the seat to his comfort he buckled in, and Gavin pulled out of his parking spot.

They were several blocks away from the penthouse before either of them spoke again.

“Do you even have a US driver’s license?” Ryan asked, breaking the tension that surrounded them, and Gavin laughed.

“Nope” he said simply, grinning “Barely had my license back in England” he said, and Ryan laughed.

“We had better not get arrested because you can’t legally drive here” he teased, reaching over and giving his thigh a gentle squeeze.

“It’s been more than five years, and I haven’t been pulled over yet, and I don’t intend to be” he replied, feeling his cheeks flush at the familiarity with which Ryan touched him.

“I’ll hold you to it” Ryan said, grinning.

With the tension significantly lessened the rest of the drive was quite pleasant, Ryan asked about the security work Gavin had been doing, and Gavin chatted him through it, with Ryan supplying little noises of affirmation as he spoke, until Gavin had gone through the long and short of it, and he glanced over at Ryan, who was looking at him almost in awe, and he blushed deeply when he caught him, looking quickly back at the road.

They pulled into the parking lot a moment later, and parked relatively near the door. Before he could move, Ryan had hopped out of the passenger’s side, and strode around to the driver’s side, pulling Gavin’s door open for him, and offered him a hand, which Gavin took, feeling almost dazed as Ryan helped him out of the car.

They walked inside hand in hand, and Ryan gave the aliases name at the hostess stand, charming the pants off the hostess incredibly quickly, leaning in close to her and offering her a disarming smile as he asked for a private booth near the back, away from people as much as possible. She nodded, somewhat stunned, and led them back to a quiet table, someone secluded from the rest of the tables around them, she left them with menus, and a mumbled note that their server would be by shortly.

“That was new” Gavin said as they sat down, giving Ryan a somewhat sly smile.

“Well, I’ve been hanging around the king of words a lot recently” he shot back, grinning proudly.

“If I didn’t know better I’d think that was a compliment” Gavin teased, smiling.

“Well, clearly you don’t know better because that _was_ a compliment” Ryan replied, laughing a bit, and Gavin joined him, blushing a bit. It was almost odd to hear a compliment about his speech, it was always his appearance, never the words he worked so masterfully with, and it made his stomach flutter in the most startling way possible. Ryan grinned at him, and Gavin watched him slide slightly closer to him across the rounded booth seat, and smiled, moving a little closer as well.

“I feel like there’s so many things I want to ask you about, and I’ve no idea where to start” Gavin said, smiling a little awkwardly, Ryan laughed softly, smiling crookedly, and Gavin felt his stomach flip as he watched him, Ryan’s laugh had always made him weak in the knees, but that soft chuckle coupled with a smile solely for him made his heart feel like it would burst.

“If I’m honest, I feel the same” Ryan said, looking somewhat bashful “I know we all kind of avoid talking about the Before, but I must say, I’m fascinated by yours” he said, reaching up to brush Gavin’s hair off his forehead gently, rough calloused fingers trailing lightly over soft, tanned skin, Gavin blushed a little, flicking his eyes up to catch Ryan’s, and smiling softly at him.

“Well” he started, smiling “I grew up in England, you know that” he said, and he was about to continue when their server approached, interrupting him. She was pretty, and quite cheerful as she took their orders, though she seemed to focus in far too much on Gavin for his taste, feeling quite uncomfortable with her extra attention as she took his order, and barely acknowledged Ryan’s until Gavin repeated it for him, lips pursed. She left a moment later after filling their water glasses, and Gavin felt his shoulders sag slightly, having tensed while she spoke. A warm hand on his thigh brought him back down, and he looked over at Ryan, who looked somewhat concerned.

“You okay?” he asked gently, leaning down slightly, bringing his face closer to Gavin’s and keeping his voice low.

“Yeah… I just hate when people do that” he said, shrugging slightly “But it’s alright, I’m used to it” he said simply, and watched as Ryan frowned slightly, his brows pulling together.

“Used to it?” he asked gently. Gavin sighed heavily, closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath.

“I dunno, it’s happened ever since I was a kid, people just like to… erase the people I’m with because of what they think of me, in England it was because people knew me as a politician’s kid whose parents were rich, here it’s usually because people think I’m good looking, and can’t help but make arses of themselves” he said, shrugging again, running his fingers through his hair “It’s superficial rubbish, and it shouldn’t get to me as much as it does” he said, avoiding Ryan’s eyes.

“You shouldn’t have to be used to people harassing you” Ryan said softly, his breath ghosting lightly over Gavin’s ear “You aren’t public property” he said. Gavin chanced a glance up at him, finding the sincerity in Ryan’s mismatched eyes that he knew he would.

“Yeah well” he said nonchalantly, shrugging one shoulder, leaning slightly closer to Ryan “It is what it is” he said “Can’t exactly change how others act around you because you’ve been deemed some sort of bizarre societal ideal.”

“Well, if all they think about you is that you’re a pretty face than it’s their loss” Ryan said simply, giving his thigh another reassuring squeeze “There’s a whole lot more than a pretty face to you, and I’m lucky that I get to see it” Gavin flushed at this, not sure how to reply.

In all his years he couldn’t remember a single romantic prospect who’d wanted him for himself, beyond his, admittedly lovely, face, or his family’s money, and yet here was Ryan, an anomaly in every way possible, a surprise even to Gavin himself. A seventeen-year-old Gavin, still in England with Dan, would never have imagined this for himself, not simply a date with a beautiful, wonderful man, but a beautiful, wonderful man who saw who Gavin was at his heart, for all his flaws and baggage and screw-ups, and thought _Yes, this is exactly who I want_.

“A lot of people wouldn’t agree with you” he said simply, smiling slightly “In fact, most of the people I’ve met in my life would disagree.”

“And how many of them did you let see past the façade?” Ryan countered, raising an eyebrow “Dan, his mom, Jack and Geoff, Michael and Jeremy, myself, any others I’m missing?”

“My old boss’ daughters” Gavin muttered, casting his eyes down, looking away from Ryan’s face.

“And how many of those people know who you are outside of the Golden Boy? All of us.” Ryan said simply “And how many of us have ever treated you like that?”

“None of you…”

“Exactly. If the person gives enough of a fuck to actually know you as a person, as the man you are behind the gold and jewels and skill with words, they know you’re way more than that” Ryan said, clearly boggled by just how few people saw Gavin in any sort of favourable light, and Gavin was simply confused that Ryan was so willing to look past everything, and in a way, surprised that he had so easily bypassed his walls.   
“I mean you’re incredibly intelligent, not just with words, but with technology, you’re about as clumsy as they come at home, nowhere near as poised as you are on jobs, and you’re gentle and sweet” Ryan said grinning, and Gavin flushed “If I only saw the Golden Boy and his cold calculations and his words I’d never think you were, but you are, the way you check up on Michael and Jeremy when they get hurt, or  how you always go out of your way to find Christmas gifts you know we’ll all like no matter how hard to find they are, and the way you are around Jack and Michael specifically is so different from anyone else, it’s really like Jack is your mom, and Michael is your brother, I could never get away with half the shit you pull on Michael” he said, smiling and shaking his head.

“You sound as if you don’t think you’re the same” Gavin said after a short pause. Ryan frowned, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I’m not sure I get what you mean” he said, genuinely confused.

“I’m not the only one that deserves to be seen for who he is” Gavin said simply.

“The Vagabond is different” Ryan said, somewhat defensively “It’s not the same as people refusing to look past things, I do it on purpose”

“I play the Golden Boy on purpose” he replied “Haven’t you noticed that? I exaggerate the posh tones of my accent, I stand differently, I dress differently, sure I usually wear quite flashy clothes in life as is, but have you ever noticed I don’t tend to wear sentimental jewelry for most jobs, if I’m trying to blend in I might, but otherwise I don’t” he said, leaning in slightly “The Golden Boy is just as much a character as the Vagabond is, the only difference is that I speak as him, and the Vagabond doesn’t speak much at all”

“I would still disagree with you” Ryan said simply, shaking his head. Gavin understood the feeling, there was an unwillingness to let go of a persona as part of yourself, Gavin was very aware that the Golden Boy was a different entity from Gavin Free, but once upon a time he hadn’t been, but now he made sure to differentiate, the Golden Boy dressed almost exclusively in blues and golds, soft silks and cotton button downs, ostentatious jewelry that may or may not have cost several grand, the façade he put forth as the Golden Boy was harder, crueler than himself, colder than he could ever be when he needed. But the Vagabond was different for Ryan; he had lived in the Vagabond’s skin for far too long, from the time he left Georgia he wasn’t James, or Ryan, he was the Vagabond, for a time, a traveller under half a hundred fake names, false pasts and fake accents he played all too well. The Vagabond, in some ways, was inextricable from Ryan Haywood, but he wasn’t the only thing Ryan could ever be, and Gavin knew that, even if Ryan didn’t.

“How long did you spend as a mask with a nickname? Playing someone you weren’t to keep yourself safe? A long time, right? It isn’t so different, I may not like the way I’m treated for it, but I don’t let people past the surface to protect myself, that’s who the Golden Boy is, the surface level, cold and cruel and lovely, kind of like one of Geoff’s antique knives, but that’s not me, I’m not the Golden Boy, so much as I created him. You aren’t the Vagabond, he’s a part of you, not the other way around, the Vagabond is a bomb shelter for Ryan, a safe way to keep yourself sane” he said simply.

He looked up at Ryan and found that he looked almost… Awestruck at Gavin’s words. Ryan had spent so long within the Vagabond that he clearly no longer knew there was a difference between them.

“The Vagabond is a completely different man than you. The Ryan that _I_ get to see is soft, he’s uncertain and vulnerable, because he lets himself be those things with me, but the Vagabond is different, though I appreciate him just as much, willing to take a bullet for any one of us, quite literally, though you’d do that either way, wouldn’t you?” he said gently, plucking Ryan’s hand off his thigh and lacing their fingers together. Ryan didn’t reply, but he did smile at Gavin’s words, his face pink as he shook his head. Gavin could tell that Ryan didn’t really believe him, but that was alright, it would take time to pull down his walls, and when he needed to, he had the patience of a saint.

-

They talked for hours, about big and little things. Gavin learned that Ryan’s favorite colour was forest green, that he’d done a double major in college, theater and computer science, and his days working as a mercenary for hire, the friend he’d worked with for a time back then, who had disappeared several months prior to his joining the Fake AH Crew. In turn, Gavin told him that his own favourite colour was blush pink, though he owned precious little of the colour, about his days as a gymnast in high school, and all the trouble he’d gotten into with Dan and his old boss’ daughters. They talked about their worked before the Fakes, their favourite subjects in school (Gavin’s was his A level photography, and Ryan’s was a computer tech course he did in high school), and what they’d wanted to do when they grew up (Gavin had wanted to be a filmmaker, Ryan had considered acting).

They talked so long the candles on the table before them burned themselves down to nubs in their holders, and their server had to come let them know that they would be closing shortly, it was only then that they finally left, having paid their bill hours before.

They drove to the beach afterwards and walked along the water front hand in hand. Ryan told him a story of going to the coast for the first time as a kid and seeing the Atlantic ocean spread out before him, he’d only been five or six at the time, and according to his mother, the vast expanse of water before him had terrified him at first sight, but within an hour he’d been playing as happily in the water as any little kid could have. Gavin could see in his face as he spoke that it was likely one of the last really happy memories he had of his mother.

In exchange Gavin told him about the stars he could see at his parents’ summer home in England. He’d never seen the night sky like that since he’d come to America, standing atop Mount Chiliad came close, but it didn’t match the clear sky above him out in the countryside, no neighbors for nearly ten kilometer, he had known all the constellations once, and he was lucky to see a handful of the stars he’d seen as a child in England, and he could never see the stars in the city.

It was only when the streetlights started turning off along the road near the beach, and the boardwalk carnival was shutting down its neon signs that they decided to finally head home, happily avoiding any cops that may have been out at that hour, and thus getting Gavin in trouble for not having a license, among several other warrants besides.

“I told you I’d be fine” Gavin said smugly as they pulled into the parking garage and he pulled his car in next to one of Michael’s.

“I’m glad to have been proven wrong” Ryan said, grinning at him. They got out of Gavin’s car and headed up to the penthouse together, this time in a peaceful silence, Ryan’s arm lightly wrapped around Gavin’s waist, his large hand resting on his hip.

They walked inside the quiet, darkened penthouse like that, toeing shoes at the door lest Jack yell at them in the morning, she somehow always knew when people wore shoes on her carpet, and headed back towards their rooms. They paused in front of Gavin’s door, and Ryan pulled his arm from around him, smiling a little bit shyly.

“I had a really nice evening” he said, leaning down slightly, putting himself closer to Gavin.

“I did too, I’m glad we decided to go tonight instead of waiting” he said, leaning in slightly himself.

“We’ll have to do this more often” Ryan said, his breath ghosting lightly over Gavin’s lips, he shivered, his eyes closing slightly, leaning closer.

“I’d be happy to” he said, smiling somewhat shyly. Ryan leaned in closer, their faces less than an inch apart, Gavin’s eyes closed, and he started to lean forward to meet him.

They were startled apart seconds before their lips could meet when Michael’s bedroom door slammed open, and Lindsay stumbled out, bleary eyed and her hair mussed from sleep, not an uncommon occurrence, but startling enough in their current situation. She yawned loudly, gave them a dazed little wave, and shuffled down the hall to the bathroom.

The moment lost, Gavin flushed brightly at just how startled he’d been by Lindsay’s sudden appearance.  
“That’s certainly one way to end the night” Ryan mumbled, his face red and eyes downcast.

“If I’m honest, I’m surprised we made it to the end of the night without one of them interfering” Gavin said fondly, his eyes flicking towards the bathroom door “We’re lucky we got home first.”

“I really did have an amazing time tonight” Ryan said softly.

“I’m glad” Gavin said, smiling “I still need a date for that party job Geoff mentioned this morning, you fancy putting up with that for another evening out?”

“I’d put up with just about anything for a night out with you” Ryan said, grinning. He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Gavin’s cheek before straightening, his face still quite pink, and possibly going pinker “Goodnight Gav” he said softly, Gavin smiled back, feeling suddenly shy.

“Goodnight, Ryan” he said, pushing himself up on tiptoes to kiss Ryan’s cheek, before settling himself back on his heels. Ryan smiled, turned, and walked down the hall to his room, and Gavin turned to step into his.

He would be lucky if sleep found him at all, he was wound as tightly as a spring at the very thought of the kiss he _almost_ got from Ryan. He wanted it so badly, and it had been _just_ within reach, and it’d been pulled away.

There was a part of him that, though he knew he’d have a hundred opportunities to kiss him soon enough, that wondered if he’d missed his chance somehow.

But Ryan _had_ agreed to be his date out for another party job, which meant he really did care because he’d always hated working parties.

Hours later, as dawn broke over Los Santos, Gavin finally fell asleep, a pillow pressed over his face, and a half a hundred fantasies about where and how his first kiss with Ryan might be.

And it was enough, somehow, just the thought of it, of a future with Ryan, of helping him grow more into himself, and having Ryan help him grow, and all the hundreds of thousands of kisses he’d get soon enough.

All at once it was enough.


	6. Touch Me and You'll Never Be Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael owes Jack a whole lot of money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, so far, chapter wise, this is officially my longest fic. Which is maybe a little sad, but the fact that I've managed to stick with it is, frankly, a fucking miracle.  
> Anyway, have this, and enjoy your Sunday.

When Gavin woke in the morning he laid in bed for a long time, wondering if perhaps the whole previous evening had been a dream. There was something about his date with Ryan that seemed to have a hazy, almost dreamlike cast to it, the hand holding, the deep conversations, the lighter little facts he’d learned that he’d always wanted to know.

And the kiss.

Well, the almost kiss.

If he were an angrier person, someone easier to a bout of temper, like Michael, he may have gotten angry with Lindsay for interrupting them, but he wasn’t, and he knew Lindsay hadn’t done it on purpose, she’d simply needed to use the bathroom, it was their own fault for being out in the hallway like that, if they had stepped into Gavin’s room, or stayed near the front door, they wouldn’t have been broken apart by Lindsay, they would have kissed, and Gavin’s heart probably would have exploded. He felt so strongly about Ryan that he wasn’t sure, somehow, that he was quite ready to kiss him. Ryan’s lips looked soft, and they were so tempting, but Ryan also needed a somewhat slower approach, a gentler hand, no need to rush anything, and Gavin didn’t want to do anything yet that might frighten him off, he had only just drawn him close, he may just die if he did something to lose Ryan now. Ryan was so skittish when it came to his feelings, clearly unsure of how to express them in a lot of ways after so long not allowing himself to feel his feelings and burying them deep down inside himself where Ryan’s true spirit had lived when he worked alone as the Vagabond, to protect himself. As much as Gavin wanted it, and as organic as almost-kissing him the night before had felt, he wasn’t quite ready to initiate it himself, if it happened he would wait for Ryan to lean in again, because then he’d know for sure that Ryan really wanted it. Wanted him.

He rolled out of bed ages after he’d woken up, and padded out to the kitchen, following the morning sounds of the kettle boiling, spoons stirring in mugs, and soft, subdued chatter to find Michael, Jack, and Jeremy already at their morning routines. Michael was at the counter, stirring cream into his coffee, and Jack and Jeremy sat at the kitchen island, Jeremy was on his phone, sipping at his own mug of coffee, and Jack was looking over a newspaper, her glasses sitting low on her nose, and running her forefinger along the rim of her mug. It was a perfectly normal scene, the Fake AH Crew going about their own mornings adjacent to each other in companionable silence.

“Morning” he mumbled as he made his way across the kitchen, pulling open the fridge door and grabbing the carafe of cold brew he’d made a few days before, and took it over to the counter.

“You got in late last night” Michael said casually as Gavin poured his coffee and added a bit of the cream Michael already had out.

“I suppose so” he said, trying to match Michael’s casual tone as he stirred in his cream.

“Yeah, Lindsay said she saw you guys come in at like almost two am, what were you guys up to?”

“Oh, just a bit of work, nothing big or anything” Gavin said, shrugging slightly, he hated hiding things from his Boi, but he and Ryan had only just started this, and he didn’t want to let go of it just yet “Has Lindsay left yet?” he asked, trying casually to change the subject.

“Nah, she was still asleep when I got up” Michael said fondly, grabbing Gavin’s discarded carafe, and the cream, putting both back in the fridge. Gavin nodded slightly, taking a slow sip of his coffee, resolving to speak to Lindsay about staying quiet about what she had seen. He didn’t want his and Ryan’s relationship getting back to Michael before he could tell him himself.

Michael seemed like he was about to move back to his questioning around Gavin and Ryan’s ‘job’ the night before, but was interrupted by Geoff and Lindsay, both somewhat drowsy, but already talking business. Gavin, seeing an escape, moved away from the counter and wandered out to the living room to put on the morning news. The kitchen suddenly filled with work talk, Jack and Jeremy took their drinks and joined Gavin on the couch, wanting to maintain the morning’s peace before Geoff roped them all into something. Gavin flipped onto their preferred morning news show, and the three of them settled into the couch, chatting softly about the morning’s trending topics.

Gavin felt quite relieved to have escaped Michael’s questions without having said anything for now, but he knew they’d have to tell everyone eventually.

But the morning after their first date was not that time.

-

After Geoff and Lindsay had left the kitchen, going back to Geoff’s office with their coffees to talk more business, Michael joined them again, and was followed shortly thereafter by Ryan coming back home from some sort of outing he’d apparently been sent on early that morning. He approached the couch after toeing his shoes at the door and pulling his mask off.

“Morning” he said simply, leaning against the back of the couch, putting Gavin just within his reach in front of him.

“How was the bank?” Jack asked casually, not looking up from her phone.

“Everything seems normal, security cameras inside but not out, easy enough to disable beforehand too, plenty of escape routes around the bank, it’s a good spot” he said simply.

“You gonna go tell Geoff?” She asked, setting her phone down and looking up at him, smiling fondly.

“Yeah, he back in his office?” Ryan asked, reaching up to smooth his hair back and fix his ponytail, Gavin watched the movement with something like awe, there was just something about Ryan, dishevelled from work and wearing his mask, that made his heart race.

“Mhm, Lindsay’s back there with him, so you had some good timing” Jack said, Ryan nodded and pushed himself back up, heading down the hall towards Geoff’s office, his fingers lightly trailing along the back of Gavin’s neck as he left, forcing a shiver down his spine at the touch, before he looked around to see if anyone but Jack had noticed.

Luckily, Michael and Jeremy were too absorbed in the TV, but Jack gave him a sly wink as she looked back down at her phone.

Gavin blushed and looked down, pulling out his own phone, and sending a quick text off to Ryan.

_Bastard_

Ryan’s reply came a moment later, dripping with all the smugness Gavin knew he’d get later.

_Don’t pretend you didn’t like it_

Gavin felt himself pouting without really realizing it, looking down at his phone, reading the text over again, his face hot as he read it over a second time before he texted back.

_Cheeky_

_Always_

Gavin shook his head, smiling, and put his phone back in his pocket.

“So is this a new bank on the list then, after the disaster that was the last one?” Gavin asked casually.

“Geoff still wants to hit a bank, and with that last one out of the running, he’s looking for new ones that could work” Jack replied simply “We haven’t pulled a good old bank job in awhile, too much behind the scenes work for his taste I guess, I haven’t heard the end of it in weeks” she said fondly, shaking her head “Hopefully the spot Ryan checked out today does the trick and gets him to talk about literally anything else, I’m getting tired of him interrupting my bedtime reading with his complaining” she laughed, and Gavin longed for that casual sort of teasing, Geoff couldn’t even hear them and she was still so soft about his complaining, fond to the extreme. Gavin wanted that more than he had ever realized.

“Well, I supposed we’ll see what happens then” Gavin said simply, Jack smiled at him and leaned over, patting his knee softly.

“I suppose we shall” she replied.

-

An hour or so later, as it was getting towards noon, Geoff and Lindsay emerged from the office, looking satisfied with the beginning of their planning, Ryan trailing out behind them, looking quite happy to have helped.

Gavin cornered Lindsay on her way out, catching her just before she left and stepped out into the hall with her to have a word before she could leave.

“Do you remember anything from last night, other than Ryan and I getting home?” he asked, trying to remain casual. Lindsay, however, knowing him just as well as his Boi did, but perhaps a tad more perceptive when it came to matters of the heart, raised an eyebrow.

“If you need things kept quiet I certainly don’t remember more than you two coming home” she said with a wink, Gavin let out a soft sigh of relief at her words.

“It’s still new” he said softly, “We want some time for ourselves first” he explained, though he kept it quite simple. Lindsay winked at him and tapped the side of her nose twice, grinning.

“No need to explain, your secret is safe with me, Gav. Mum’s the word” she said, smiling brightly. Gavin patted her shoulder lightly and smiled in relief.

“I appreciate it Lindsay” he said simply.

“I’m happy to help” she replied, giving him a quick hug “I’ll see you guys later this week, take good care of him” she said conspiratorially, and Gavin smiled slightly, nodding.

“I certainly intend to” he replied.

“Alright, good” Lindsay said, turning to leave “I’ll see you later!” she said, and got in the elevator, she gave him a quick wave as the doors closed, and she left.

Gavin’s relief was palpable. He felt very strongly about Ryan, but they had agreed to keep things to themselves for a little while, and Gavin didn’t want anything they’d done by accident ruin that. Ryan deserved better than to have their business plastered around everywhere without his permission.

And, though it was a small factor, Gavin was selfish. He wanted this to just be theirs, just for a little while, just long enough to get to know each other better, to spend time, and do that job Geoff had offered up, and to just be themselves together.

Of course he wanted to tell the others, they were his family, and he wanted them to know. But for right now, he wanted to keep this just for them, for just a little longer. He knew it was selfish, and he knew that perhaps it wasn’t the best course of action, but until Ryan said something, until he felt comfortable, Gavin would try to keep things as quiet as they could.

With Lindsay gone he slipped back inside, and back into the afternoon’s action as Michael and Jeremy bickered over a film to watch on Netflix, and Jack playfully goaded them on, enjoying the ridiculous argument.

-

It was a day they all spent off the radar from the rest of the world, hanging around in the penthouse with no plans to go anywhere. Gavin was still quite tired after the thorough destruction of his sleep cycle, and with Geoff working up the plans for a new heist in the back of his mind, everyone had preferred to spend the day in relaxation at home, watching films and catching up on their TV shows, and occasionally one person or another would wander back to their bedroom for a time to take a nap or do something on their computer. It was a no work day, besides Ryan’s earlier run, and Lindsay and Geoff’s early morning meeting.

But unfortunately, that didn’t exactly leave Gavin and Ryan much time together.

Both were nervous of being too conspicuously absent at the same time, but had texted each other on and off most of the day, talking about the things they’d enjoyed the night before, and occasionally Ryan would slip in a compliment about this or that that would make Gavin flush pink. He had always loved being complimented, it made him quite smug to have others recognize the things he already knew were great about himself, but something about Ryan doing it made him flustered, perhaps because he’d never had particularly strong feelings for anyone who’d complimented him before like he did for Ryan, but whatever it was, something felt different about it, in a good way.

Eventually though, late into the afternoon, Gavin got tired. His sleep had been so bizarre and sporadic since he had started and finished his security project, he hadn’t quite managed to get himself back into a proper schedule, coupling that with having been out so late the night before with Ryan, he found himself quite exhausted. He stood from the couch, excused himself, and wandered back to his room, he closed his door softly behind him and collapsed onto his bed, curling up under his covers. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, intending to scroll through Twitter for a little while, but his brain wasn’t quite focused enough on remaining awake to even make it that far, and he dozed off.

-

He woke up an hour or so later to a soft knocking on his bedroom door, he pushed himself up on his elbow, rubbing a hand over his face, and called out that whoever it was could come in.

A moment later his door opened a little and Ryan slipped in, closing the door softly behind himself.

“Tired?” he asked softly, approaching his bed, he sat down on the edge of his bed, smiling slightly.

“Mhm” Gavin replied, yawning and rubbing his hands over his face, letting himself fall back against his pillows.

“Want me to leave? I didn’t know you were sleeping” Ryan said quickly. Gavin shook his head, and patted the empty space next to him.

“You don’t need to leave” he said softly “What’s up?” he asked, looking up at him, Ryan smiled slightly and leaned back against Gavin’s headboard, sitting up next to him.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you” he said, reaching over to run his fingers through Gavin’s hair.

“Yeah?” he asked, leaning into Ryan’s hand slightly.

“Yeah. I missed you today” he said softly, sliding down his headboard slightly, and pressed a kiss to his hair.

“You’ve been with me all day” Gavin said, his stomach flipping at Ryan’s softness and his proximity.

“Not how I wanted to be” Ryan said softly, stroking his thumb gently over Gavin’s cheekbone, tracing the smattering of freckles along his cheek, he was surprised Ryan noticed them, his skin was nearly the same colour as his freckles, dark enough it usually made them hard to notice.

But then, Ryan seemed to go out of his way to notice things about Gavin.

“And how’s that then?” Gavin asked, leaning into his hand.

“Just this” he replied softly, his thumb gently stroking up and down his cheekbone, Gavin closed his eyes. Ryan’s hands were cool, or perhaps Gavin was just overheated from his blankets and Ryan’s hands were a normal temperature, but he enjoyed the feeling none the less, there was something about Ryan’s soft touch, his calloused fingers and blunt nails, his hands large enough to cup most of Gavin’s face, there was something about the touch that made Gavin feel safe, something about it that made Gavin feel like if he could memorize the feeling of Ryan’s hands on him he would never feel lonely again, because he’d always have the reminder of Ryan’s affection.

“I think we should tell them” Gavin said softly.

“Yeah?” Ryan asked, and Gavin could hear the waver of nerves in his voice, though it didn’t show on his face.

“Yeah, I can’t take hiding this for much longer, I know it’s only been a few days, but I hate lying to Michael, I hate lying to _everybody_ , it feels wrong, and I don’t want to hide you, I don’t want you to feel like I’m ashamed of you, or of this, and I don’t want you to miss me while we’re in the same room” he said softly, and he could hear the edge of desperation in his voice.

“I don’t think you’re ashamed of me” Ryan said softly, gently stroking his thumb along Gavin’s cheekbone “I wanted to keep things quiet for a little just as much as you did, I wanted us to have time to just be us together before we said anything, to know each other better” he said, and Gavin was very aware, suddenly, of how close Ryan was to him. He chewed at his lip, not sure of how to respond, before Ryan spoke again.

“I know you aren’t ashamed of this, because if you were you wouldn’t say that you were nervous I might think so, if you were we wouldn’t have gone out last night where the whole world could see us, and we certainly wouldn’t have gone to a restaurant we’ve all been frequenting for years, I know you, Gavin, and I know you’d never do anything you thought might hurt me” he said softly, stroking Gavin’s bangs out of his face, leaning in closer “You’re wonderful, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you, cause God knows I haven’t done a single good thing in nearly a decade” he said softly.

Gavin looked up at him, feeling very vulnerable in that moment as Ryan stared down at him, his hand on his cheek, their faces inches apart.

“You saved my life” Gavin said simply, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth “I reckon that makes up for a whole lifetime of bad” he said softly, reaching up to gently twirl Ryan’s ponytail around his fingers, keeping eye contact with him.

“I did do that” Ryan replied, his voice just as soft, sliding his fingers up into his hair, leaning a little closer. Gavin’s eyes fluttered, lids half closing, and he moved forward just slightly to meet him. He glanced down at Ryan’s lips, chewing at his own for a moment, butterflies rushing into his stomach, sending a shock of nerves through him.

This was happening. Really happening, and everyone likely thought he was asleep so there’d be no interruptions this time.

He let his eyes drift closed, wanting to take in this moment, the silence in the air, Ryan’s breath on his lips.

And then Ryan was kissing him, and it was soft and yet insistent, desperate in a way that Gavin couldn’t have described if he wanted to, and he was kissing back, cupping Ryan’s face, drawing him closer, wanting to hold him to himself and never let go. His lips were soft and dry, parted just slightly as they kissed, his lips tasted like Diet Coke, something that didn’t surprise him, but felt deeply comfortable, familiar, so intrinsically Ryan that it made fresh butterflies burst in his stomach.

Ryan’s hands slid down, arms wrapping around his waist, pulling Gavin closer to him, tight against his body, clutching at his t-shirt, holding onto him for dear life, like if he let go of him Gavin might disappear into thin air, and Ryan would lose him. Gavin cupped his face a little tighter, pressing his lips a little harder against Ryan’s, wanting to give him the reassurance he so clearly needed, that he was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he was never going anywhere, not without him, ever again.

They stayed that way for a long moment, pressed close to each other, Ryan’s hands fisted in Gavin’s shirt, Gavin’s hands on his face, holding him close.

After a moment they pulled apart just slightly, and Ryan pressed his forehead against Gavin’s, a small, bashful smile tugging at the corners of his lips, avoiding his eyes. Gavin smiled, closing the gap again, and kissed him softly again before pulling away slightly, wanting to reassure him that the kiss was, in fact, very much wanted.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that” Ryan said softly, his eyes finally meeting Gavin’s again, both blue and green eyes blazing with affection that made Gavin’s stomach do a backflip.

“I reckon I might” he replied, smiling.

“I don’t think so” Ryan said, reaching up to brush Gavin’s hair out of his face “I’ve wanted to do that since I met you”

“Don’t lie” Gavin said, rolling his eyes playfully “I know I’m a right prat when I first meet people”

“I’m not!” Ryan said quickly “I’m not lying, it’s true, I was struck by you the first time I saw you, you and Michael came in with such a bang that I couldn’t help but be fixated, and then the first thing you did was offer to translate ASL for me, even though you know BLS and they’re not as similar as people want to think” he said, and his voice was so insistent that Gavin was inclined to believe him.

“Well, funnily enough, I stand by what I said” Gavin said simply.

“How so?” Ryan asked, raising a brow.

“Because I felt the same” he said, chewing on his lip “I was so embarrassed by what Michael said in front of you about my vanity, and I thought at first it was just because you were new and that was no way to meet us for the first time, but then I realized it was because I didn’t want you to hear Michael talk about me like that” he looked away from Ryan’s eyes, his cheeks flushing “Perhaps it took me awhile to realize that, but looking back I was the same.”

Ryan remained silent, and Gavin chanced a glance up at him, his face hot, and when he looked back up Ryan was grinning, and without a word he leaned down and kissed him again.

-

Hours later, after they had kissed for ages, and eventually dozed off, they emerged from Gavin’s room when Jack had called down the hall that dinner was ready.

They had both resolved to tell the others at dinner because it was simply the easiest time of day to ensure everyone was around to tell.

Gavin felt somewhat jittery as they left his room. Though he was confident the crew would be fine with all of this, he was nervous of the ribbing Ryan might receive on his behalf from Michael and Jeremy, of course they were all friends, but Michael and Jeremy, especially Michael, were quite protective of Gavin, and Ryan was likely to receive the “If you hurt him” threats within short order.

Ryan seemed to sense his nerves and reached out, grabbing his hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Telling them is the right thing to do” he said simply, giving Gavin’s hand a squeeze. Gavin nodded and smiled, squeezing Ryan’s hand back.

“I know” he said softly, smiling up at him, Ryan leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head as they walked down the hall towards the kitchen.

They entered hand in hand to find everyone else already in the kitchen, Jack and Geoff were already seated at the table, plates in front of them, chatting, Jeremy was still serving himself, as was Michael, but as the two of them entered Michael turned to say something to Gavin, but stopped short, his eyes flicking over them, narrowing as he caught sight of their twined hands, and just let out a loud sigh instead.

“Goddammit! I thought I had you this time!” He said, frustrated, aiming his words at Jack, who laughed loudly at his words.

“Not this time sweetheart! Maybe next one!” she replied as Michael mumbled profanity under his breath.

“What did you think you had her on?” Geoff asked, sounding very confused.

“We had a bet, babe” Jack said simply, grinning “On how long it’d take these two to figure their shit out, Michael said by next Christmas, and I said it’d be before the summer, and look who’s right!” she said, smug as she grinned at them “And now you, Michael Vincent, owe me two grand” she said.

“Fuckin bullshit” Michael said simply, shaking his head “I’ll get you tomorrow when I can get to the bank” he said, annoyed “I don’t have any fucking cash on me cause I thought I was finally gonna fucking _win_ for once, and you’re a smug fuckin bitch who refuses bank transfers”

“Why would I want a bank transfer when you can hand me a handful of hundreds, Betting Buddy? Where’s the fun in an email from my bank over a stack of cash?” she said, her voice teasing.

“You’re lucky I love you” Michael said begrudgingly as he sat down at the table, as far from Jack as he could get, she stuck her tongue out at him and laughed. Next to her, Geoff was shaking his head, chuckling.

“You better be good to him” Michael said simply, dark eyes boring a hole into Ryan “If I lost two grand just for you to break his heart I’m gonna fuckin break your knees”

“Michael!” Gavin admonished, squeezing Ryan’s hand.

“What? He needs to know these things!” Michael said defensively, snorting out a laugh “He should be aware, you’re my number one priority Boi, next to Lindsay, and Ryan needs to know that if he does anything to hurt you I’m gonna use that nice steel bat Geoff gave me for Christmas to break his fuckin knees” he said simply.

“Can you threaten Ryan for being Gav’s boyfriend _not_ at my dinner table?” Geoff asked, sounding exasperated “Can we please just have dinner without a fight for once?”

“Baby you know better than to ask that of us” Jack said, laying a hand on his forearm, laughing. Geoff let out a theatrically loud sigh as Jeremy finally joined the table, and Ryan and Gavin went to serve themselves.

Over the course of dinner they were hammered with questions, who asked who out, why they didn’t say anything before, and half a hundred other things neither of them was quite sure how to answer when the question was posed, but they did their best.

They stayed sat around the kitchen table ages after they’d all finished eating, asking question after question, until finally Jack shut it all down when she noticed Ryan had started to fidget uncomfortably under the scrutiny, and let him and Gavin leave, putting Michael and Jeremy on dinner clean up duty so they could escape.

Back out in the hall Ryan let out a long breath, his hands going to his hair, clearly a little more anxious than he’d been trying to let on.

“Hey” Gavin said softly, placing a hand on his arm “It’s okay”

“That was… It was just a lot” Ryan said, sounding strained “I wasn’t prepared for all of that” he said, and Gavin’s heart beat sped up, he’d put Ryan in a situation that was bound to upset him without a thought, he knew Ryan preferred to remain out of the spotlight, but Gavin’s gravity had pulled him in, summoning him from just outside the circle of light and into brightness.

“I’m sorry” he said softly, chewing at his lip “I should have known they’d be like that, we should have done it separately, told everyone one at a time” he said, going to pull his hand away, his first instinct always to flee. But Ryan had calmed already and was looking at him unwaveringly with those mismatched eyes, blond brows drawn together.  
“I agreed to it” he said simply, stepping closer to him, putting his hand on Gavin’s face, and Gavin’s stomach flipped at just how well Ryan could read him that he knew he was getting ready to run “I should’ve known that would happen, it isn’t you fault baby” he said gently, leaning down to put his face more on level with Gavin’s.

“You sure?” he asked softly, chewing on his lip, Ryan nodded, placed his thumb on Gavin’s chin and gently pulled his lip from between his teeth.

“Absolutely positive” he said softly “I’m into you, center of attention and all, I’ll get over it” he said, and leaned in, kissing him softly.

And Gavin wondered if there would ever be a time where Ryan’s kisses didn’t make his stomach do somersaults.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've got exams this coming week, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to post next week, as I don't write in advance and tend to start writing the next chapter after posting the previous, and because I've got three exams this week, two papers and some online posts due, I'm probably not going to have much time to write for myself. My last two are on the 19th of this month, so hopefully I'll have time to write and post before that, but if I don't post for a couple weeks don't worry, I'm just stuck in the hell that is academia.


	7. But If I'm a Thief than He Can Join the Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're far too rambunctious a bunch to stay quiet for long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back! After a month-long hiatus from this fic I'm finally back with chapter 7! I'm really sorry I was gone so long y'all, but April was a hella busy month, between school, work, and then exams I barely had time to be a human, let alone do some proper writing, but I am now firmly in the midst of summer vacation, so I'm gonna go back to trying to post at least once a week now that I've got the time to write again!  
> Hope this chapter was worth the wait, and thanks for sticking with me, and these boys!

Days and weeks passed by in relative peace. There were little jobs here and there, casings, stakeouts, little runs and meetings with contacts and allies in the city, but for the most part things were quiet, and the Fake AH Crew stayed off the radar and out of the eyes of the city at large.

But they were ostentatious people, drawn together by necessity, but bonded through a shared love of theatricality, and they couldn’t stay quiet for long. The heist that Geoff had begun formulating had spanned not only himself and Lindsay, but had also engulfed Trevor as well, and the next few weeks saw a near constant meeting of the three, occasionally joined by Jack, since she was Geoff’s right hand, as they puzzled everything out and put things slowly into motion.

It wasn’t necessarily meant to be a big job, but it was far bigger than anything else they’d done recently, and the area of town the bank lay in was a bit of a difficult spot to get in and out of as a large group, plenty of entrances and exits, but it didn’t lie very close to any of their preferred safehouses, and at least three of the streets nearby were busy one-ways which made things harder, and was just too close to the penthouse for comfort to head straight back. The getaway plan was to split into twos and meet up outside of town, Geoff and Jack had bought a cabin out near the base of Chiliad for little staycations ages ago, just to get out of the city, that worked quite well as a safehouse, though it was a bit of a drive from the heist spot, it was closer than any of their in-town safehouses, and a safer place to be than the penthouse.

Trevor and Lindsay would be in their ears on the comms from a distance, keeping them up to date about what was going on around them, and to give them an ETA for the LSPD when they eventually caught wind of the job, they would be separate from each other however, Lindsay in a car towards the back end of the bank, two streets up, and Trevor towards its front, a block or so up from the bank, keeping eyes out for anything and everything suspicious.

Gavin, however, was a bit nervous about it all.

He hadn’t felt nervous like this since his very first job with Geoff and Jack way back when he’d first joined them, because he had never been involved in a job like that, back in England he had only ever been a behind the scenes guy, he was never involved in large scale jobs, so that very first one as a member of the Fake AH Crew had been absolutely bloody terrifying. But these nerves weren’t quite like that, they were different, and they sat in his gut like a stone and would not move.   
He was scared for Ryan.

Ryan could get reckless on heists, he’d always been like that when he was boots on the ground instead of sniping, he would throw himself in front of anyone if he felt it was needed, and of course he wore his Kevlar, and of course in the years since joining them he’d updated his Vagabond mask to have some form of soft armour where he felt it necessary, but that didn’t help assuage Gavin’s fear at all. He didn’t want to see Ryan get hurt, not in any way he could possibly manage to get hurt, and it terrified him that Ryan was always so willing to take a bullet to save the people he loved.

He had only just gotten him, and he was absolutely terrified to lose him.

There was part of him that simply did not want to deal with all of this, that wanted to force the nerves out of his mind, and keep moving forward, but he knew that was a bad course of action.

So, the solution he knew would actually help was to talk with Jack or Geoff about how they dealt with the stress of it. Jack and Geoff had worked together so long, and had been in a romantic relationship with each other since nearly the beginning, so they would know how to deal with this type of nerves.

He caught them both the morning before the heist, sitting close together on the couch, going over the map of the area surrounding the bank, making any last minute updates before the heist briefing that evening after dinner.

He through himself down opposite them on the couch, biting his cheek.

“Can I ask you guys something?” he asked when they both looked up at him, nearly in sync.

“Sure, what’s up Gavver?” Geoff asked, rolling the map up and setting it down on the coffee table, giving Gavin his full attention.

“How do you guys deal with being scared for each other?” he asked softly, not quite looking either of them in the face.

“Well… There’s a lot of different ways” Jack started, and he could hear in her voice how concerned she was “Are you scared for Ryan honey?” she asked gently, Gavin met her eyes and nodded slightly.

“I’m so scared he’s going to get hurt, but I don’t want to back out, and I know he won’t, but I don’t know what to do about all this” he said, his words coming out somewhat rushed “And you’re the only people that can help me deal with this, because you know what it’s like!”

“Well…” Geoff started, placing his hand lightly on Jack’s thigh on reflex as he leaned a little closer to Gavin “You won’t ever stop being scared for him” he said softly, looking at Jack, before turning back to Gavin “It’s okay to be scared for him, but you can’t let it rule you in a setting like this”

“Sometimes bad things are going to happen to one of you, but it’s something you learn to deal with” Jack said softly, reaching up to wrap her hand softly around Geoff’s bicep, clutching to a spot Gavin knew held an old bullet wound from before his time with them “You need to prepare yourself for every eventuality, and sometimes the worst might happen, but you can’t let it get out of control” she said gently, glancing up at Geoff “This lifestyle is hard on relationships, and you’re both going to spend a lot of time doing work like this scared for each other, but you’re both grown, and you know what you’re doing, the best advice I can give is just to be aware of him when he’s on the ground, keep an eye on him as much as you can, it helps a lot with those nerves if you can keep him in your line of sight” she said, reaching out to pat Gavin’s hand lightly.

“She’s right Gavver, the best thing is just to try and keep eyes on him during the getaway, and make sure you find him first if you don’t end up in the same car, I’m sure he’ll be doing the same” Geoff said, his voice soft as he cast his eyes towards Jack, giving her thigh a light squeeze, Gavin nodded slightly, not sure exactly how to respond to all of that. Knowing that even Jack and Geoff were scared for each other on jobs made him feel a little better, but that edge of nerves still sat like a weight in his stomach.

“So, just keep my eyes on him?” he asked slowly, not sure what else to say.

“Be aware of him, I know we’ve put you guys on different teams for this job, so I’ll try to keep a lookout for you while we’re inside sweetie” Jack said, her voice taking on that comforting tone Gavin knew all too well, it was her Nursing Voice, the one she used when one of them was badly hurt and needed a lot of help, but was still conscious enough to hear her.

“I’d appreciate that” he said, smiling a bit, her offer helping to ease the nerves just a bit more.

“I’m happy to do it sweetie” she replied, smiling back at him “I’d do anything for you guys, you know I would” she said, and Gavin did know, she’d risked everything again and again for all of them, and he knew she’d do whatever she could to help.

“Thank you guys, for your advice” he said, moving to stand.

“Maybe you should have a chat with Ryan as well” Jack offered as Gavin stood “You know, let him know how you’re feeling, I’m sure he’d be glad to know” she said, Gavin nodded slightly.

“I will” he said smiling a bit “Thank you” he said, leaning down to peck Jack’s cheek lightly, before straightening, patting Geoff’s shoulder, and heading back towards Ryan’s room.

At the end of the hall, he paused just outside Ryan’s door. His door was slightly ajar, and his light was on, so he was clearly in there, Gavin took a deep breath and knocked softly before pushing his door open, poking his head in.

Ryan was sitting at his desk on his computer, monitoring the security feeds inside the bank. Gavin had patched Ryan’s computer as well as his own, and Geoff’s, into it so that either of them could check them whenever they felt the need to do so, they had been spending a lot of time hanging around in each other’s rooms, so it was just easier to have the same feeds he’d need also going into Ryan’s room.

When Ryan didn’t look up immediately Gavin cleared his throat, trying to get his attention, and watched as Ryan’s head cocked slightly, before spinning his computer chair around, his face creased into a frown until he registered it was Gavin at the door, and a smile split across his lips and his face softened.

“Hey baby” he said, beckoning Gavin into the room, Gavin stepped inside, and closed the door softly behind himself, going to sit down on Ryan’s bed.

“You okay?” he asked softly, his brows creasing again, Gavin felt his heart squeeze at Ryan’s concern, and he smiled a little.

“Yeah, I’m alright” he said, settling himself on the end of Ryan’s bed “I just wanted to talk to you about something” he said, trying to keep his voice light, but Ryan seemed to sense something was off, and pushed his chair closer to the bed, his brows pulling tighter together.

“What about? Did I do something, or…?” he asked, sounding a little nervous, and Gavin quickly reached out to him, laying his hand over Ryan’s softly, smiling a little.

“Nothing like that!” Gavin said quickly, giving his hand a squeeze “I just wanted to talk with you about the heist tomorrow, that’s all” he said, feeling a bit bad for scaring him “I’m just a bit nervous about it, that’s all”

Ryan let out a soft sigh of relief, his eyes closing.

“Okay, good” he said, his voice thick with relief.

“I’m sorry” Gavin said, giving him a nervous half smile, Ryan shook his head and leaned in, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, and Gavin flushed, casting his eyes down.

“It’s alright babe” he said softly, moving from his computer chair to the end of the bed, sitting next to Gavin. He settled onto the soft mattress and took his hand gently, turning to face him better “So, what about tomorrow did you want to talk about?” he asked.

“I just… I’m feeling quite nervous about it” he said, biting the inside of his cheek “It’s the first bigger job we’ve done since we got together, and I’m just caught on you getting hurt, and me not being able to do anything about it” he said. Ryan’s lovely, odd eyes searched over his face, before reaching up to cup his cheek gently, and Gavin leaned into the touch, needing the comfort.

“I’ve been worried too” Ryan admitted, leaning closer into him “It’s… weird, being this scared about another person’s well-being during a job. I mean, I’ve always been on high alert for you guys, but never quite like this” he said, stroking his thumb lightly along Gavin’s cheek.

“I just… I wish I knew a better way to deal with this” Gavin said “I know it’s not good to just shove the nerves into a corner and not acknowledge them, but I’m so scared for you that I wish I could just forget about it” he said. Ryan nodded slightly, and leaned in closer, pressing his forehead to Gavin’s.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Gavin” he said gently, catching Gavin’s eyes and holding them, not letting him look away.

“But what if you get targeted?” He said, finally giving voice to one of his greatest fears “They’re always trying to find you or Geoff or Jack first on jobs because they think you guys are the most dangerous or whatever, and I couldn’t bear it” he said, swallowing hard, chewing at his lip, moving back just enough to look down, away from his face. Ryan slid his hand down along his face, and gently slid his fingers under his chin, tipping his face back up again.

“I’ll be okay” he said gently “I promise” he leaned down, pressing his lips softly to Gavin’s. Gavin let his eyes flutter shut, shifting closer to him.

After a moment they pulled apart, and Gavin leaned into him, wrapping his arms around his waist, pressing his face into his neck.

“It’s okay baby” Ryan said, pressing his face into Gavin’s hair “Everyone is going to be alright, this isn’t a big deal job, we’ll be okay, I’ll be okay” he said, kissing his head lightly “Just make sure _you’re_ going to be okay” he said, holding Gavin tighter. Gavin nodded against his neck.

“I will, I promise”

-

The morning of the heist dawned warm and sunny, and after having spoken with him the day before Gavin felt much better about it all. He was still nervous, of course, but nowhere near as scared as he’d been before, things would be alright, his Ryan was smarter than letting himself get killed on a heist, they’d be fine, and afterwards he’d get a shower, they’d all order dinner from the traditional Chinese spot, watch a film, and he’d cuddle up on the couch with Ryan, and it’d be a lovely end to the day.

Everything was going to be fine, he couldn’t let his nerves get in the way of a well planned job.

So he did what he always did the morning of a heist, he got up, got dressed, and met the others for breakfast in the kitchen for a last minute confirmation of their plans.

He’d be going in with his Lads, going back to the vault, and grabbing as much cash as they could, while the Gents would stand as crowd control outside. Everyone would have comms, patched in with both Lindsay and Trevor as their lookouts, and they’d try to make things go as quickly as possible. The goal was at least ten to twenty grand, and to be out in ten minutes or less, not their most ambitious time, they’d once done a massive heist, over thirty thousand, and been in and out within five minutes, but still quite a feat.

It’d be a perfectly normal job, though Gavin knew he’d be on high alert the entire time, keeping his eyes on Ryan whenever he could, to make sure that he made it out alright. He may have felt better about it all, but he was still far more dedicated to making sure Ryan made it out alright than he was to anything else.

Gavin knew his way around a job, especially when he and his Lads were back in the vault, it was about the only time Jeremy and Michael really listened to him, because they knew that Gavin always knew the best way to get in and out if the worst were to happen, and were always willing to follow him into anything, he’d been working jobs like this with Jack and Geoff for years, he knew what he was doing.

His Lads believed in him, and he couldn’t let them down, he wouldn’t let them down.

It’d be a clean job, in and out, quick and easy, no problems, no big injuries, and absolutely no one was going to die, especially not Ryan.

-

They did a final briefing in the living room of the penthouse that afternoon before they went out, did a quick run over emergency hideaways, and wished each other luck in the least jinxing ways possible as they all headed out the door, into the elevator, and into their cars.

The Lads were travelling together, and the Gents were in a separate car as the other team. The Gents were to go in first, get the crowd under control, and then the Lads would follow them, moving back to the vault, so the Gents left the garage first, and Ryan in the backseat waved to Gavin, who sat shotgun in Michael’s car, Gavin in turn blew him a kiss, and then Geoff’s car had pulled out of the garage. The Lads waited a few moments before they followed, headed down a slightly different route to the Gents, trying to avoid being seen together before they pulled up outside the bank.

“You feelin’ okay Gav?” Michael asked, glancing over at Gavin.

“Yeah, just a little jittery” he said, shrugging a bit “Don’t worry, I’m fine” he said, smiling.

Jeremy popped his head up between the seats, giving Gavin a reassuring smile.

“It’ll be fine Gav” he said, grinning “Ryan’s not an idiot, he’ll be okay” he continued, clearly picking up on why Gavin seemed a little more nervous than usual.

“I know” Gavin replied, smiling at Jeremy “It’s just hard not feeling nervous” he said, shrugging a bit.

“Yeah, I get that, being attached is hard” Jeremy replied, nodding a bit “It’s scary to think you could lose someone like this, in a split second, but Ryan’s got a good head on his shoulders, he’ll be fine” he said, patting Gavin’s shoulder lightly “Don’t sweat it.”

Gavin nodded slightly, smiling at Jeremy a bit.

“You’re right” he said “It’s going to be fine, I shouldn’t be worrying so much”

“Just keep an eye out for him, and your head in the right space” Michael said a few minutes of silence later, as they turned onto the last street before the bank “He’ll be doing the same, and besides, he’s got Jack and Geoff with him, just like you’ve got us, you’re both gonna be fine” he said.

Michael was right, of course, neither of them was on their own, they had backup, everything would be just fine.

Gavin kept that in mind as Michael pulled up next to the bank and parked in one of those quick-stop fifteen minute or less spaces, and Gavin noted Geoff’s car, now empty, parked a few spaces up.

No turning back now.

The three Lads got out of Michael’s car, and jogged up the steps, pushed the door open, and found everything perfectly under control. The teller’s were pressed against the walls behind their tills, bank patrons on the floor with their hands on their heads, and Ryan holding his pistol pointed up towards the ceiling, ready to shoot a warning shot if anyone were to step out of line.

He winked at Gavin behind his mask as the Lads passed him and headed for the vault, and Gavin grinned back at him.

He really had no reason to be so worried, what an absurd thought in the first place, Ryan would be perfectly fine.

Gavin started barking orders to his boys, tossing a backpack at Michael as he passed by, headed for the safety deposit boxes at the back of the vault, this bank was a fancy one, real upscale, they’d likely have some good shit in the boxes.

Gavin pulled out his pistol, chose a box, and shot the lock off. He wouldn’t go through all of them, but a choice few would be fun. Inside the first box was an antique jewelry set that he decided to leave, they looked like someone’s Grandma’s pearls, and he couldn’t mess with that. The next box he shot open yielded less sentiment, a large-faced, diamond encrusted gold Rolex that he happily shoved in a bag tied at his hip, and a small handful of rings that looked like relatively new, but discarded, wedding and engagement rings, which he also grabbed. He glanced over his shoulder, back into the main vault, Jeremy and Michael seemed to be almost finished their task, so Gavin thought he could pick a few more. He shot two open in quick succession,  one simply held some documents that Gavin had no interest in, but the last box held a lovely silvery pink pistol with a diamond studded grip that’d make a lovely gift for Jack, and two different knives, one was a butterfly knife with the kind of blade metal that looked like an oil slick, and the other seemed to be a hand-made custom job with a beautiful design on the blade and a bone handle. Ryan would simply adore them. He slipped the gun and knives into the small bag, snapped it closed, and turned back to face his Lads just as Geoff’s voice crackled into his ear through the comms.

“Time to go boys” he said, sounding quite confident.

“I’ve got cops coming up from the backend” Lindsay’s voice replied quickly “Just flew past me, be quick”

“I’ve got cars from the front as well” Trevor chimed in “They circled my block and just passed me again, headed your way”

“Quick as bunnies then” Said Jack brightly. Gavin looked over at his Lads, gave them a quick nod as they did up their backpacks, and they moved out, headed back into the main room of the bank.

The three Gents stood by the door, Jack and Geoff next to the edges, Ryan in the middle, and the Lads paired off with them, Gavin sidled up behind Jack, Michael moved in next to Geoff, and Jeremy behind Ryan.

“Found you something lovely” Gavin muttered happily to Jack, and he could see the grin tug the side of her mouth up.

“Show me later sweetheart” she said, giving him a wink. They both looked up and over to Geoff, who did a quick 3-2-1 countdown on his fingers as a single to ready themselves, before giving his go ahead, and they burst out onto the front steps of the bank, guns raised.

Cop cars were already pulling up out front as they exited, but none were quite prepared for the formations of the six of them, and seemed to need a quick regroup before they attempted to detain them, Gavin noticed one speaking into the walkie on his shoulder, and decided to try and keep an eye on him, not trusting the overeager look in his eyes.

They headed down the steps, the Lads slowly falling back to cover the Gents’ backs as they headed towards their car.

The first cop let off a shot, it whizzed past Jeremy’s head, clipping the brim of his cowboy hat, but that cop hit the dirt a moment later when Michael retaliated with his minigun and sent the man sprawling.

The three Lads made their way forward, starting to split off from the Gents, headed towards their own car, when another shot rang out, then another, and another, and suddenly the escape turned from the cops attempting to block their way to a full on shoot out. Gavin glanced over towards Ryan, who had stopped in the middle of the street, covering Jack’s back as she helped Geoff back to his feet, there was a small, ragged hole in the back of his jacket where a bullet had pierced through and stuck in the Kevlar beneath it. The three Gents were so busy making sure Geoff could stand that none of them noticed the red spot lighting up on Ryan’s chest.

Gavin didn’t hesitate.

He broke from his Lads and sprinted flat out towards Ryan, screaming his name as he went, only aware he was producing the sound because he was ripping his throat raw with his screaming, he heard the sound of the sniper rifle letting off a shot, and seconds later he was tackling Ryan to the asphalt, his ears ringing.

The very worst had just nearly happened, and he was in a blind panic, blood roaring in his ears, eyes searching over Ryan’s face, making sure he was okay, that he hadn’t taken the bullet anyway.

Ryan’s mismatched eyes blazed up at him through the eyeholes of his mask, looking desperate, hands reaching up to cup Gavin’s face, his eyes searching him over, trying to check that he wasn’t hurt.

And then Ryan’s eyes went wide, and slowly through the blaze of adrenaline and shock Gavin registered a warm ooze over the tops of his shoulders, a horrific burning sensation, all too familiar after the first time, and he knew he’d been shot.

His arms shook where he held himself up over Ryan. Ryan let out a single strangled noise that stuck in his throat, and quickly got up, pulled Gavin into his arms, and got quickly into the back of the Gents’ car, where Jack and Geoff had now jumped in, and through the haze of shock Gavin could hear Ryan croak out a strangled “Fucking _move_ ” and the car peeled out of it’s parking spot.

Gavin was able to stay conscious for a little longer, Ryan’s head bent over him, muttering terrified apologies to him as Jack careened around corners and flew up streets, headed out of the city.

Just before Gavin dropped out from the shock of it all he reached up painfully to cup Ryan’s face, he was almost surprised when he found his hand was dripping in blood, and mumbled to him.

“Not your fault love, wanted you safe” and finally he shut his eyes, leaning his head on Ryan’s shoulder, and he was out.

-

It had taken them far too long to get to the safe house. It was only perhaps a half hour out of the way, but with Gavin in his lap, bleeding into Ryan’s own shirt, balled up and pressed to the wound across his shoulders, it felt like years.

When they finally got there Ryan had to be led inside, he was staring down at Gavin desperately, he was still breathing steadily, perhaps somewhat shallow, but that could also have been Ryan’s paranoia.

Once inside Jack sat him down in one of the bedrooms and very gently slid Gavin out of his arms to lie face down on the bed. Without a moment’s hesitation she took a knife from he pocket and cut the shirt off of him. She was speaking the whole time, but the blood roaring in Ryan’s ears was deafening him.

 _My fault, my fault, my fault_ he kept chanting in his head, staring down at Gavin’s still form on the bed, tears stinging his eyes.

He hadn’t been paying attention.

Geoff had been shot, and he’d fallen, and Ryan had been trying to cover him and Jack while he tried to get back to his feet, he’d been worried about them getting into the car, making sure that Geoff was alright.

He’d gotten careless.

And Gavin had gotten hurt.

Again.

Ryan had let him get hurt on his behalf again, and he was absolutely furious with himself.

The Lads had arrived shortly after the Gents and Gavin, but they had been forced out into the kitchen to make some tea before they could barrel into Gavin’s room to see if he was okay.

Jack had sterilized the wound, and stitched it up, and Ryan had sat on the edge of the bed, still wearing his mask and leather jacket, but no shirt because he’d ripped it off to try and put pressure on the wound.

“It’s superficial at best” Jack had told him as she’d been stitching him up “Yes it’s a big wound length wise, but it skimmed his shoulders and didn’t do a terrible lot of real damage” she said “Maybe chipped his shoulder blade at worst, but he’ll be okay.” She had assured him, and Ryan had nodded mechanically. He had already been faced with the idea of losing Gavin once, and being forced to stand on that edge again terrified him, he couldn’t imagine life without Gavin, without his Golden Boy, Gavin was the first person to make him feel truly at home with the Fakes, the first to make him feel like he was truly welcome. Of course Jack had saved his life, she had been a Godsend and Ryan loved her dearly for it, but Gavin had looked him in the face, and without hesitation had asked how he could help him, Gavin had barely known him and was offering to translate his signs to the rest of the crew.

Gavin, with his bright green eyes, his quick smile and snarky tongue, Ryan had no idea what he’d do without him.

Hearing him scream out his name like that before Gavin had tackled him to the ground had ripped his heart to pieces.

It was the sound of absolute terror.

Gavin had been so scared for him that he’d risked his own life to save Ryan’s, and Gavin might never comprehend just how many times he had done that, not just during the heist, but over and over again over the years. Gavin was a lifeline, and watching him lay still on the bed, breathing shallowly, broke his heart.

Hours passed, and still he sat there on the edge of the bed. At some point he had taken Gavin’s hand in his, needing the anchor, needing to feel Gavin’s pulse beneath his finger tips, needing to know that his heart was still beating, he was still alive. He watched as Gavin’s back rose and fell with slow deep breaths, completely out of it thanks to Jack’s pain medications, and with each slow, steady breath Ryan felt somewhat more settled, the assurance that Gavin was alive, that he was still breathing, helped more than he might have imagined.

Eventually, Gavin roused for just a moment, his eyes sliding open slowly. He gave Ryan’s hand a squeeze, and closed his eyes again.

“Mask’s still on love” he’d mumbled, his voice rough but cheeky, and finally Ryan felt like he could breathe again. He pushed the mask off, tossing it to the floor, and settled next to Gavin again, a little closer, still holding his hand.

Gavin would be okay.

And that was all that mattered really.


	8. But I Stay, When it's Hard, or it's Wrong, or We're Making Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of yet another gunshot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm out of school now and I was away all last week so me actually sitting down to write has been hectic at best, and just non-existent at worst, I'll try to stay consistent and post at least once a week or so, and at least once every two weeks, so please, bear with me!  
> And sorry this chapter is a little shorter, it's mostly a little filler to let y'all know the aftermath before we get back into main story stuff! BUT it's absolutely adorable, so I hope that makes up for it

Ryan couldn’t sleep that night. He spent the entire night sitting up next to Gavin on the bed, keeping watch over him.

And thinking.

Going over everything that had happened, everything that had gone wrong during the job. He thought he’d be able to do this, to be with Gavin and be able to go about their lives and their work without problem.

Ryan had never done this, never let himself get close to others he worked with like this. The Fakes were different, had always been different, he’d been friends with others before that he’d worked with on and off, Meg was the only one he was still in contact with though. But the Fake AH Crew was like a family, the family he never really got to experience growing up, they were a necessity, a lifeline. And Gavin, in particular, was practically a necessity; Ryan needed him almost as badly as he needed air, almost as badly as he needed water, or food, Gavin was everything to him, he gave Ryan’s world meaning again, his bright demeanor and brighter clothes made colours more vibrant again, made the world seem less awful, made Ryan _himself_ feel less awful in his own humanity. Gavin was a thin thread binding Ryan to his own sanity, to the man that was Ryan Haywood, and he knew how badly he needed Gavin in his life, how much Gavin meant to him.

And the idea of possibly losing him again was completely and utterly terrifying.

So he stayed by his side all night, contemplating the options. Perhaps he and Gavin needed to have a conversation about boundaries? Perhaps maybe they needed a break? Or maybe it was simply better off that they weren’t together at all.

And at one point, near on three am, he had almost convinced himself that breaking things off with Gavin would be for the best.

 But then, Gavin had shifted closer to him, pressed his face lightly against Ryan’s side, and mumbled his name softly, the tension releasing from his shoulders as he took in the scent of Ryan’s skin, and Ryan threw that plan completely out the window. Gavin had been tense on and off nearly all night, clearly frightened and in pain, but every time he shifted closer to Ryan that tension had released from his shoulders, the creases in his forehead smoothing out, and Ryan knew he couldn’t do that to him, and he absolutely couldn’t do it to himself. The pain leaving Gavin would cause him would be unbearable, but knowing that Gavin would be in just as much pain made him rethink the entire idea, and immediately the plan was no longer even a thought. Ryan could have taken the pain himself, but he could never do it to Gavin.

Eventually, as the sun was rising and the quiet sounds of nature turned from the hum of bugs and the occasional call of a larger predator to the soft singing of the morning birds, and a general hush fell over the little cottage, was Ryan finally able to sleep.

Gavin had woken briefly, bright green eyes soft and bleary, he looked up at Ryan, furrowed his blond brows, pulling taut the little notched scar in the edge of the left one, before he closed his eyes again and pressed closer, wrapping his arm, slowly and clearly painfully, around Ryan’s hips.

“Sleep love” he mumbled against Ryan’s side, nuzzling his face against his ribs, before he drifted back out again.

And with Gavin’s permission, Ryan slid down carefully, ran his fingers through Gavin’s hair, and closed his eyes. It took ages for him to fall asleep, but eventually he did, if a bit fitfully. But sleep did come.

-

Hours later Ryan woke up to the sound of Jack moving around the room, humming softly to herself. There was a cold cloth over his eyes, and Gavin’s warm body tucked against his side. He took the cloth off his eyes and opened them, sitting up. Jack was across the room at the dresser, wearing latex gloves, her hair tucked up into a messy bun on the crown of her head, still wearing her pajamas and her soft fluffy slippers.

“Jack?” he asked softly. She started a little and turned to look at him, clearly not expecting him to be awake.

“Morning sweetheart” she said softly, walking over to the bed, being careful to keep her gloves sterile.

“Why was there a cloth on my face?” he said simply, starting with the least concerning of his questions.

“Your eyes were swollen” she said simply, leaning over to gently pull the bandages off of Gavin’s shoulders to check the wound and change dressings.

“What?” he asked, confused, Jack glanced up at him from Gavin’s bullet wound, her brows furrowed.

“You were up half the night honey, and I know you were, you’ve been asleep for less than two hours, and I know you were up for nearly a full day as of getting here, your eyes were swollen from being up for so long, so when I came in the check Gav’s stitches and change his dressings I put a cloth on your eyes” she said simply, gently prodding at the area around Gavin’s wound, checking for early signs of infection, checking that her rather emergency stitches had come out straight enough, checking for ragged edges and frightening furrows in the stitching. When she had decided that things looked alright she applied an anti-septic ointment to the wound before she straightened up and laid a fresh strip of gauze along the length of the wound, she smoothed it down gently and started to properly wrap him up now that the worst was over.

“He’s going to be okay, right?” Ryan asked softly as Jack was securing down the end of bandage.

“He will be” she replied, looking up at him as she stripped off her gloves “We got him back here with plenty of time to keep him alive, he’ll be in a bit of pain, but honestly it was mostly superficial, not even deep enough to nick his shoulder blades, and he’s so thin you’d think it would have” she said simply, dropping the gloves in the little garbage can by the bed “He’ll be just fine, that’s to you” she said “If you hadn’t gotten him in the car and put pressure on the wound we might not have made it back in time, or he might have lost too much blood”

Ryan shook his head slightly, sighing heavily.

“If it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place” he said simply.

“James Ryan Haywood.” Jack said, her voice low and serious, and Ryan’s head snapped up “You listen to me right now, young man” she said, hands on hips.

“We’re the same age” Ryan said, the snarky remark weaker than he’d wanted it to be.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m the one with authority here sir” she said simply, her tone playfully scolding before she turned serious again “You don’t know how good you are for him” she said simply as she tucked the blankets back up around Gavin’s shoulders “Having you around, not just to look out for him, but for him to look out for you, has helped him so much, even before you two started seeing each other” she came around to sit on the edge of the bed in front of Ryan, trying not to upset Gavin’s sleep.

“When Michael joined us he and Gavin got on like a house on fire” she started, glancing over at Gavin, a familiar maternal fondness in her eyes “Quite literally like a house on fire, they would have burned Los Santos to the ground for each other, no matter the consequence” she smiled, reaching out to gently stroke Gavin’s hair out of his face “With Jeremy it was protectiveness, he’d kill anyone for Jeremy, and Jeremy would kill anyone for him” she smiled, shaking her head a bit “But you” she looked up from Gavin’s sleeping face and fixed Ryan with a very serious look “You he’d die for” she said simply, looking back down at Gavin “He’d take a bullet for any of us if he thought it’d keep us safe on a job, but for you? He’d put his life on the line in a million different ways to make sure you made it out alive, he’d take a bullet, a knife, hell, if he thought it’d keep you safe and alive he’d probably kill himself to make sure you lived” she said simply, her voice soft and serious “I’ve seen the way he looks at you Ryan” she said, looking away from Gavin again, glancing at Ryan’s mask on the bedside table, a smeared bloody handprint dried on it’s cheek, his bloodied t-shirt half hanging out of the garbage can, before she looked back up at him, eyes sweeping critically over his jeans and leather jacket, and his Kevlar, all of which he’d fallen asleep in, she looked on the verge of scolding him, but held off.

“He looks at you in a way I’ve never seen him look at anyone, he looks at Michael and Jeremy with pride and protectiveness, and he looks to me and Geoff with fondness and trust, but you?” she paused, laughing a little bit “He looks at you the same way you boys say Geoff looks at me” she said, shaking her head “Like you hung the moon and put the stars in the sky, like you’re the Earth and he’s been caught in your orbit in awe of you, he looks at you like he’d move heaven and earth just to see you smile, to hear you laugh” she glanced back at Gavin, reaching out to cup his cheek, stroke her thumb over his cheekbone, fiercely maternal and infinitely gentle “He looks at you like you’re everything to him”

Ryan followed Jack’s gaze, fixating on Gavin’s face, features soft in his drug induced sleep, and the soft light of early morning danced on his skin, lighting up the soft dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks, something you couldn’t see very well in regular lighting because there was barely a contrast between his freckles and the soft tan of his skin.

“And you look at him the same way.” Jack said simply, and Ryan’s head whipped around, startled to find that she was looking at him again, and she laughed softly at his startled expression “I don’t just mean right now” she clarified, smiling “I mean all the time, he walks into a room and you light up, your eyes track him as he moves around, I’ve watched you go from extremely tense to as relaxed as possible the moment he sits next to you, no matter what was going on before, you gravitate towards him in any room your both in no matter what” she smiled, and patted his knee lightly “It’s precious, and you’re both good for each other, it’s good that you’ve got each other” she said softly before standing, and moving to leave.

“I’m glad for your support” Ryan said softly as Jack had opened the door.

“What can I say, honey? I want my boys to be happy, and if that means that you and Gavin are happiest together, than who am I to stand in the way” she smiled, shrugging one shoulder slightly “Though if you were to ever hurt him on purpose you must know I wouldn’t hesitate” she said, leaving her words hanging.

“I wouldn’t expect any less, in fact if I ever did that I wouldn’t want you to hesitate” he said simply, inclining his head to her.

“Fair enough” she said, smiling “Get some rest Ry, and take off your Kevlar for Christ’s sake, we’re safe here” she said, and then she stepped out the door, closing it softly behind her, leaving Ryan with his thoughts in the silent room, waiting for Gavin to rouse again.

-

Hours passed, dawn slowly faded into morning, and as morning was beginning to fade into afternoon Gavin woke.

Ryan had finally managed to pull himself from Gavin’s side, knowing for a fact that he needed to shower, and if Gavin woke before he got the chance to do so he’d likely never hear the end of it for not paying attention to his own self-care.

When he came back into the room from it’s attached bathroom, a towel wrapped around his hips, and one in his hand, wringing the excess water out of his hair, Gavin was sitting up a bit in bed, he’d rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows.

“You’re awake” Ryan said, somewhat startled, he hadn’t expected Gavin to be awake just yet.

“I am” he said groggily, and Ryan rushed towards him, dropping the towel he’d been drying his hair with on the floor as he moved quickly to the bed, kneeling on the mattress to gently press his lips to Gavin’s.

He was so relieved to see him awake he had no idea what to do with himself, but kissing him seemed to be the most sensible thing to do.

Gavin let out a soft noise of surprise against his lips before he melted into him, slowly and stiffly reaching up to cup Ryan’s face gently, his slim, soft hands catching on the rough patches of the beard Ryan hadn’t bothered to shave, his thumbs stroked softly over Ryan’s cheeks as he kissed him back, clearly feeling a similar relief to Ryan’s own.

When he pulled away a moment later he pressed his forehead against Gavin’s, searching over his face, feeling somewhat desperate.

“I’m so glad you’re okay” he said softly, his eyes sliding shut. Gavin wrapped his arms gently around his shoulders, being careful of his stitches, and Ryan pressed a little closer in, trying to keep him from straining himself “I thought I was going to lose you” he said, his voice breaking slightly.

“Knew I’d be fine” Gavin mumbled, pressing his face against Ryan’s neck, gently pulling him closer, laying back down, letting out a soft hiss of discomfort as he laid on his wound in an odd position against the pillows. Without a second thought Ryan wrapped his arms gently around Gavin’s waist and rolled over, pulling him up and over so that Gavin lay sprawled across him on his stomach.

“Please be more careful, for my sake” Ryan said softly once Gavin had settled against him.

“You could have died” Gavin said softly, propping his chin up on Ryan’s chest so he could look him in the face.

“I’d rather die than see you get hurt again on my behalf” Ryan said softly, and Gavin frowned at him, looking upset.

“Don’t say that Love” he said softly, his brows furrowed.

“Why?” Ryan asked softly, stroking his hair out of his face “I’m not lying”

“I know you’re not” Gavin said softly “But I don’t want you to die for me, I couldn’t bear watching you get hurt for my sake” he said, burying his face in Ryan’s neck. Ryan held him tightly, pressing his face against Gavin’s hair.

“Than you understand how I feel” he said quietly, not meaning to scold him, but Gavin went stiff in his arms.

“A sniper was poised to pick you off in the middle of the street, what was I to do? Let him kill you? Not after I’ve just got you, not on your bloody life Ryan” he said, and though his voice was still weak there was a fierceness in it that Ryan couldn’t have ignored if he wanted to.

“You can’t put your life on the line like that every time I could get hurt baby” he said softly, kissing the top of his head. Gavin let out a loud, disgruntled huff of air, and Ryan frowned.

“Tell me you wouldn’t do the same.” He said simply.

“Pardon?”

“Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me and I’ll stop it” he repeated, explaining more this time, and the protest died on Ryan’s lips.

Because he couldn’t tell Gavin that,

He’d kill for Gavin, he’d take a bullet for him, a knife, a bomb blast, shrapnel, he’d die a slow, painful death if it meant ensuring Gavin’s safety.

A moment passed in silence before Gavin let out a soft snort, sort of half-laughing.

“That’s what I thought” he said softly, pressing his face tighter against Ryan’s neck “I won’t stop putting myself on the line for you, because I know you’d do the same, and who am I to take that from you with nothing in return?”

“You don’t need to repay me anything baby” Ryan said softly, his lips brushing lightly across Gavin’s hair, forcing a shiver down his spine.

“I know that love” he said softly, and Ryan could feel him smiling against his pulse point “But why would I be with you and not give you the same consideration you’d give me” he reached up slowly, his hand sliding lightly up Ryan’s chest, to wrap around his neck “And if you truly feel awful you can make it up to me later” he said, the cheeky, teasing tone in his voice making him sound almost normal.

“And how would I go about that?” Ryan asked, taking the bait of his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Mm, well, you’ll just have to owe me one, won’t you Love?” Gavin said, finally looking back up at him, he gave Ryan a saucy little wink before settling back down “I’m sure I’ll think of something we’ll both enjoy”

-

They spent most of the day curled up together in the bed, there was a TV mounted on the wall across from the bed, so they spent ages watching films and crap daytime TV before they finally deemed it necessary to turn on the news to see what their local channel had to say about the previous day’s job.

The first story after they flicked to the news was about their job.

“Police are still looking for the infamous Fake AH Crew after their attack on a Wells Fargo banking building in the downtown area of Lost Santos, at least two members are thought to be seriously injured, the gang’s leader, known only as The King, was shot in the back as they were fleeing the scene, and the gang’s Golden Boy seems to have received a serious gunshot wound after pushing the Vagabond out of the way of a sniper shot. The six-person operation is wanted for grand larceny, assault on an officer of the law, theft with a deadly weapon, and numerous other smaller charges, if you have any information on their whereabouts you can call the LSPD at their non-emergency line”  

“Grand larceny always sounds so fancy” Gavin said, smiling, Ryan shook his head and laughed.

“It really does, huh?” Ryan said, carding his fingers through Gavin’s hair.

“Oh! That reminds me!” Gavin said, and quickly tried to push himself up off the bed, before his arms gave out at the sudden shock of pain.

“Okay, no” Ryan said quickly, his eyes wide with fear “Let me get it, what was it you wanted?”

“My little hip pouch that I had for the heist” Gavin said, sounding a little breathless after the shock he’d given himself “I found something for you in the bank, I’d totally forgotten” he said, rubbing his hands over his face.

Ryan stood, and walked over to the dresser, where they’d put Gavin’s gun and his little bag, and opened it up. There were a few things jangling around inside, some rings and a very fancy watch, a pistol he’d never seen that must’ve been for Jack, and in the bottom if the bag, two knives. He reached in and pulled them both out. They were beautiful knives, both seemed to have been custom made, he flicked open the bone-handled lockblade and looked it over. The bone of the handle had been detailed with a great deal of care, and so had the acid cuttings of the design on the blade, they were intricate, and looked perhaps Celtic in some way, he pushed the blade back down into place and picked up the butterfly knife. The person who had made this for the person who’d hidden it away had put himself at great risk, butterfly knives were an illegal weapon that were quite hard to obtain, and even more difficult to produce in custom shops. Ryan would know; he had three.

He opened the knife and stared at the thin blade, watching the oil slick of the metal shift in the light, and absent-mindedly started playing with the knife the way his old mentor had taught him once upon a time, holding one end of the handle as he flipped the other side of the handle and the blade around with the ease of years. It was such a new blade it was still somewhat stiff as he flipped it around, he was quite unused to a stiff blade like this, each of his were so well used they moved easily, the hinges loose from wear, though he made sure to tighten the bolts occasionally to make sure they were still in working order should he need them for a job.

“They’re beautiful” he said as he turned to face Gavin again, who was looking at him with pure awe.

“You’re beautiful” he said simply, leaning his forearms on his knees as he watched him. Ryan flushed up to his ears and shook his head, unable to keep from smiling, and made his way back over to the bed, sitting next to him again. He leaned over and kissed him softly, smiling.

“Thank you babe” he said softly when he pulled away “They’ll be my go-tos from now on” he said, grinning. Gavin smiled brightly back and reached out to brush Ryan’s hair back out of his face.

“I’m glad you like them” Gavin said, his grin wide “They were the last thing I grabbed before we left, those and the pistol, but that’s for Jack” he said “But I know how interested you are in knives, so I couldn’t just leave them there”

“I appreciate them” Ryan said, leaning in for another kiss.

“Well I appreciate you” Gavin replied, his tone cheeky, as he kissed him back.

Ryan couldn’t say he’d ever felt more at home in a place, but in that moment, in Jack and Geoff’s little cottage, with Gavin tucked up and injured in bed, but still just as cheeky as ever, and the police after them for somewhere near the millionth time since Ryan had joined, he truly felt at home. His thoughts from early that morning, of leaving, of letting go of Gavin and never looking back, now seemed so far-fetched he’d never be able to think about that realistically again.

Gavin was home, no matter what, through the difficult times, when things went wrong or they made mistakes, Gavin was his home, a comfort in the worst of times, and Ryan wouldn’t, no, couldn’t have traded that for anything in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also uh, fun life fact about me for anyone who actually reads these notes, since the last time I posted I got a boyfriend, so uh, that's fucking something, huh? We're both big oblivious dweebs, but it's fine because he's wonderful and I'm like ecstatically happy


End file.
